Lewe ek nog?

Ek het Commitment Issues...ja, daar is dit nou uit. Ten minse weet ek dis een van my probleme. Maar hoe anders gemaak? Na meer as 'n dekade van my alie af probeer om iets te maak werk stap mens mos nie net blindelings in 'n ding in nie. Wat help ondervinding wat deur pyn en leiding opgedoen is as jy dit nie gaan gebruik nie? Ek het myself belowe (en regtig gehoop) dat as ek weer in 'n verhouding is dit anders sal wees. Ek is beslis anders. Ek het myself regtig in de laaste paar jare gevind en eerlik om te besef dis 2 jaar sedert my laast post...wow....maar ek het goeie vordering gemaak. Hel, ek was tot vir 0.00003sec in die eweigheid van veraltyd actually gelukkig. Ek klou aan daardie vlietende oomblik vir lewe en dood party dae. Want die lewe gebeur en buiten die eks alkoholis het ek nog 'n paar ander wat ek nie so maklik kan skei nie. Een daarvan my pa - maar dis regtig 'n storie vir 'n ander dag en die ander een my baas wat quite frankly seker die pot aan die kook hou so ek is nie altyd so gewillig om die hand te byt wat my voer nie. Maar dit vat nogal 'n hele paar "How important isit?-s" en "Breathe-s" per dag. En dit is uitputtend.

Maar die hoof Knersis is my verhouding. My vriend is wonderlik. Hy werk hard daaraan om aandag te gee aan my gevoelens. Hy het sy eie kruiwaentjie vol strooi om saam te sloeg so ek probeer om nie te veeleisend te wees nie. Maar dit gese - daar bly so 'n lee ou gat in my wat net nie wil vol nie. Elke keer as ek dink ek beweeg emosioneel nader aan hom, se hy iets soos hoe baie hy sy vryheid geniet en onmiddelik spiraal ek terug in my ou manier van dink....mmmm waar pas ek in die prentjie in?

Ek wil net belangrik wees vir iemand. Enige iemand op die stadium. Ek wil iemand he wat uit sy pad gaan vir my, net soms. Miskien is die oplossing dat ek minder uit my pad gaan. Dan sal ek dalk nie so te na gekom voel wanneer ek dit nie terug kry nie. Miskien is die antwoord wel dat die antwoord bietjie meer gereeld NEE moet wees.

Ek het geen begeerte aan 'n Joneses lewe met 'n huis, 'n kar en 'n boom en 3 hieper goed opgevoede orrelpyp kindertjies en 'n gemoedelike man aan wie ek baie 'na' is nie. Nee, ek wil net nie alleen eet en elke aand alleen gaan slaap nie. Ek wil he my kind moet inpas in my nuwe verhouding. Want meer as enigiets is ek haar mamma. Ek het harde klippe gekou om haar uit 'n situasie te haal waar ons in vrees en onsekerheid gelewe het en ek sal nooit daarvoor om verskoning vra nie. Dis waarskynlik die enigste regte besluit wat ek in die laaste dekade geneem het. Maar iets omtrent my nuwe verhouding steek my dwars in die krop. Dis 'n daaglikse keuse tussen hom en my kind. Miskien is dit nie Commitment Issues nie maar 'n gesonde begrip vir wanneer iets op 'n dealbreaker afstuur. Ek gaan nooit "nie" 'n ma wees nie. Dis tog nie nuwe nuus nie? Hoe kan ek my toekomstige geluk baseer op 'n plan wat haar nie insluit nie? So nou nog sowat 10 jaar van eintlik alleen wees - om dan wat? ...weg te gaan? Ja oor 10 jaar is sy 18 en dalk bly om van my onslae te wees. Maar ek kan nie saam met iemand wees en terselfdertyd nie saam met iemand wees nie. Ek is 'n package deal. Ek dink dit pas hom goed, want hy hoef tot absoluut niks te commit nie. Hy deal net met die lekker. Want as mens mekaar eventualy gesien kry, probeer jy hard om nie onsmaaklik te wees nie. Maar dan terug in die regte lewe is eknog net so alleen, dra ek nog net so eensaam aan my individuele las.

Miskien is my verwagtinge te hoog, maar selfs emosineel gestremde mensie soos ek moet bieg g'n mens is gemaak vir alleen wees. Ons is veronderstel om saam nie sakke sout te eet. Almal wil by iemand anders huis he. Ek wil behoort. By iemand. Baie graag.

Ek wens die moeilike vra het makliekr antwoorde gehad. Maar dit het nie. En dit gaan nie verander nie. Al wat ek weet is dat ek nie weer my drome gaan uitstel of begrawe vir 'n ander persoon nie. "My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else's decisions, even if it is someone I dearly love".

Ek weet nie. Miskien wil ek al die goed ook net hardop se. Dit help al klaar.

noose photo: NOOSE noose.jpg 

What bull shit! No strings attached? Can someone please explain to me how you have any form of relationship with anyone and not have strings attached? Is this what society boils down to? Meaningless, attachment-less, empty acquaintances?

The STBX has been harassing me lately about 'just looking'. I need to somehow commit, but not commit to trying to see how he has changed, but I don't have to do anything. WTF? Seriously? Its like standing next to a rotary blade to see how it works and sticking your hand in it! How can you commit to something and not really commit? Obviously (well to me), if I agree to see how he has changed, that implies that I am interested in what is happening or has happened in his life? Frankly I am not, at all. So please, correct me if I am wrong, but I smell a rat trap...it reeks of manipulation.
It's too late. I know people keep saying 'it's never to late', but I sincerely beg to differ. There are just some situations and relationships that cannot be remedied. I don't want to have any from of relationship with him apart from being civil when attending to matters of our daughter. Why can he not understand that I am done. That I have a right to be done. That regardless of what he and society generally believe to be right or wrong about divorce etc, I don't have to agree or follow the norm. I have sorted my decision with God. And just because I believe different than he does, does not neccesarily make either of us wrong or right.
It took me years to get his foot out the door, fuck I had to get a new door! How stupid does he think I am? With him it's not "strings attached' more like a noose...

My friend and I have been taking things slow. It works. Sort off. But once again, it feels like a rather pointless exercise. Due to all the uncertainty there will be no attaching. It's just too high risk. What is THAT? How do you try a new relationship but you are so paralyzed by fear that you just cause more damage? Is the mature option not rather backing off then? Why am I the only person on this godforsaken planet that still believes in all or nothing? You cannot be HALF my friend and if being a whole friend is high maintenance or demanding, then obviously you do not have the energy to remotely come close to fulfilling a single one of my needs. I have wasted enough time on people not willing to love. (Note all the aggression...not really a good week.)

I have grown so fond of my friends in Alanon. I would walk through fire for them. How do you survive a war and not have strings attach? How do you share so many common joys and pains and not be attached? You can't.

There are strings attached to everyone that crosses your path. We are all somehow entwined even if it just through our need to survive. There is always strings attached, whether we like it or not.


quotes on freedom photo: be free be-free-fill-the-freedom.jpgThis past Friday (Good Friday) I was asked to share at the 2013 Convention. I could not decide what to really speak about. I don't like my story or telling it. I never feel as if it makes a difference. Has any meaning.
I decided to stick to what Alanon has meant to me. The self-worth I have gained. The fact that I have learned and accepted that it's ok to ask for help sometimes. I did not have to go through anything alone anymore. Someone asked where my daughter was and I said I left her with a friend because "they where too involved in playing". How have I missed this in my life. Laughing, happiness, spontaneity, fun! Having your heart soar and knowing you are worth something to someone.
Our "How Alanon Works" book has a share in the back and it has my favorite part: " there is something so healing about being treated as if you matter".
My life has been grey, dull and mostly on hold for the last decade, waiting for the alcoholic to make a decision. I eventually made my own. My life is too important to waste waiting for someone elses decisions - even if it is someone I dearly love.
What struck me was the response of the people afterwards. Somehow my story gives hope to so many and I can only thank my Higher Power that in some off and weird and sad way there was method in the madness. Maybe if I can only save one person, give hope to one mother, spare one child this life, I have accomplished something. My life and my story get's meaning.

My friend and I had a serious discussion and the fact that I am not formally divorced yet has wedged us apart. With reason I suspect. It made me so angry. For 12 years my life was on hold waiting to feel loved and wanted and the alcoholic made it impossible. And somehow even separated and emotionally being divorced for almost 2 years, he still controls what happens. But after moping for a day I know it's not anger. It's sadness. For the things I cannot change and the lost lives of so many because of this disease. It's so much bigger than a new boyfriend.
I can only pray that I will stay involved with playing and share my message of hope with those in need. To be of service and give what I have so generously received in the Rooms. By sharing my experience, strength and hope I may be happy, joyous and free.

" Sometimes you have to lose your mind to be free" Anonymous