Journey to Sobriety

Letting go of the illusion

2012-01-26T02:57:00.000-08:00

Al-Anon Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable

I cannot change the fact that someone else’s drinking has had a profound effect on my life.

I did not want my husband to be an alcoholic. Hell, nobody wants that. My father’s drinking had a huge effect on my life even though I only realised it years later when the problems in my own marriage started. I woke up one morning and I had turned into my mother.

Fact is, I cannot change who my parents are, and I cannot undo the fact that I married my husband.

These people played a huge part in my life up to now. It is done. My life was affected by them in profound ways and my husband behaviour devastated me. I have to admit that. It feels like it ruined my life, stole my opportunities and smashed my dreams. Their drinking did affect my life and it will forever remain an undeniable fact and a part of my past.

I cannot change anyone else’s behaviour and attitude.

We confuse love with interference. Cannot show love other than manipulating people, situations. Trying to get them to do what we think would make them happy.

It took me years to realise that no matter how good a cook I am, how much I “put out”, how much money I make, how many things I buy him, how hard I study, how agreeable I am, how many children we have – It will never change my husband’s attitude. Nothing I did or did not do, could make him content of happy. He would not stop behaving the way he did towards me. He might change it temporarily to manipulate more of the above out of me, but there would be no permanent change.

Trying to change his behaviour and attitude turned me into a scared, insecure, people pleaser. My entire existence revolved around keeping the alcoholic happy so that he would react different or behave different

Our misplaced concern for others becomes intrusive, meddling, resented, and doomed to failure.

Terrified of letting others do as they wish.

It is hard for me to read these negative words and know they apply to me. I had meddled and I was intrusive. I did not allow my husband to be the man of the house. I controlled his finance, I controlled who he may see and when. And yes, eventually the – “you are trying to change me” resentments did start flying. My husband did act out because I treated him like a child. I wanted him to stop drinking – but yes, it was doomed, because I went about it in all the wrong ways.

I was terrified of letting him do as he wishes, because I believed he would spend us into financial ruin. I was scared he would hurt himself or me. Because I believed he did not care for me, I did not believe that he would act in both our best interest if I let he do as he pleases. In retrospect I never gave him a chance to grow up. I thought I was keeping him happy, but really I was reading his mail, going through his cupboard, checking his mail and phone. I had no idea of boundraries or respect for privacy. He didn’t have to take responsibility or learn what our best interests are, because I took care of everything. I have so many reasons to justify my behaviour, but ultimately I robbed my husband of his dignity as a grown man and the ability to fend for himself and provide for his family. I had destroyed his self-esteem and controlled is money and his life. This also spared him the consequences of decision he made, which took away any opportunity for him to learn and postponed rock bottom for him. I thought for long that I was doing the right thing (helping him), but I was postponing the inevitable and doing no one any favours.

Our preoccupation with others distracts us from our responsibilities to attend to our own physical, emotional and spiritual health, we suffer.

This one goes way back. I spent a huge amount of my young adult life trying to get my father’s approval and ultimately his love. I had to be the best at everything, not because he said so, but because I thought if I could make him proud he would spend more time with me and be more open with his emotions. It did not work. I was well into my twenties when I stopped seeking my father’s approval. It took a huge weight off my shoulders and I could finally focus on who I am and what was good enough for me.

Then I met my husband. He had so many dreams and aspirations. He dreamed well, but acted seldom. I wanted his approval and I wanted his dreams to come true, so I started realising them. When he decided we need to buy a house I was scared, but eventually I took care of everything. Now, here at the end he only contributes one quarter of what is needed to keep the house, all of the gain, very little of the pain.

I did not look after myself. I had no hobbies, no friends, no colour, and no life! All I did was try to please the alcoholic. We ate what he wanted to eat, we went where he wanted to go, we holidayed where he wanted (I always financed it and hated it because where ever we went it consisted mostly of sitting and drinking). So I never relaxed, I was always anticipating the other shoe to drop. My life was insane and mentally I was walking on a tight rope. I lost so much weight people started asking me if so I was ill. I developed a stomach ulcer and at one point could not make a day without 2 kinds of antidepressants, sleeping pills and tranquilisers. I was moody, tired, and unhealthy and it started to affect my ability to be a mother as well as my work.

When I finally realised that my preoccupation with keeping the alcoholic happy was causing all these problems and I stopped a new world opened for me. I still take it one day at a time discovering myself and looking after my needs, but I have learned to evaluate why I do thins and what influences my decisions.

We did not cause it, we cannot control it, and we cannot cure it.

It is an illness. As hard as that concept for me is to accept and understand – because seriously, if you have been sober for months and then relapse, that constitutes a choice in my mind. Apparently, it’s not that simple, not for them. By the time they pick up a drink the sickness had already been eating at their thoughts and mind for months. Drinking comes right at the end.

No matter how well I plan, how many steps I think I am ahead of the alcoholic I cannot control what he does or how much he drinks. And it will never be cured. I have to decide whether or not I am willing to live with the alcoholic, knowing he could start drinking any day.

Let go of the losing battle we are waging. Redefine what we believe about others, ourselves and our relationship.

To be able to redefine what I believe about others, I first have to know what I believe now.

Honestly – I don’t believe my husband loves us. He has no love to give. I don’t think he cares about our needs on any level. I believed for a long time that there is no hope for our relationship to ever change. I did not believe I had a choice in what happens. I was doomed to ride along because I said “I do – for better and worse”. I believed it is better for children to have both parents around even if one is dysfunctional. I believed that love could cure my husband. If he had a loving family, unlike his childhood he would want to be different. I believed it would get better.

Let go of the illusion to move in a more positive, productive and rewarding direction. Move toward hope.

I had given up on hope a long time ago. I stopped hoping my husband would stop drinking. I focused on getting through the day without rummaging through the neighbour’s rubbish and not being impatient with my daughter. I spent most of my energy to keep up my happy face and pretending to love my husband when I knew that every last bit of compassion I had had, was gone and that I only have resentments and pity left. But finally, finally I have let go of the illusion of the happy family I believed we could be. I had stopped hoping that he would want to stop drinking. I now focus on being as functional as possible under the new circumstances. I am doing the things I have to do for my sanity. I am getting divorced and staying on my own. I am hoping now, to someday, I will have only one chaos day per week.

Blessings

2012-01-19T00:42:00.000-08:00

So one blessing is, it's not that hard this time. Practice makes perfect I suppose. My daughter told me this morning that she is very sad about her dad, but at least we are together and we just need to stick it out, "like last time".
Sad when I think one of my motivations for trying again was that maybe it would be better for her if we sort out our marriage and she does not come from a broken home. I think what I am putting her through now is even worse. It's been broken for a long time.
I have been looking for a place to stay. I really shot myself in the foot this time. My husband won't move from our house so there is no way I can go back there. I am currently staying with my sister, which funny enough is better than staying at home, with him.
I'm not sad this time, I just feel really stupid. I have lost all hope and I am not sad about that. Hope keeps getting me into trouble. At least now I know nothing works. Every fibre in my being has now been convinced. I consider that a blessing. Finally, finally time to move on...

Egg on my face

2012-01-16T12:50:00.000-08:00

So guess what? No, seriously, guess.
Yup, spot on, the fucktard is drinking again. So, I've been suspicious for a while, but I really thought it was just the devil whispering in my ear and the past holding me back. Turns out I was right. I sooooo hate being right.
I made a deal with God years ago that if He kept me in the loop I would do what He asked, no questions. I'm sort of regretting it now. Perhaps it would be better if I didn't know. Ignorance is bliss. I would give anything to be an idiot. Well, so what next God?

To the woman on my Journey

2012-01-12T21:35:00.001-08:00

The Women On My Journey

Rev. Melissa M. Bowers

To the women on my journey
Who showed me the ways to go and ways not to go,
Whose strength and compassion held up a torch of light
and beckoned me to follow,
Whose weakness and ignorance darkened the path and encouraged me
to turn another way.

To the women on my journey
Who showed me how to love and how not to live,
Whose grace, success and gratitude lifted me into the fullness
of surrender to God,
Whose bitterness, envy and wasted gifts warned me away
from the emptiness of self-will

To the women on my journey
Who showed me what I am and what I am not,
Whose love, encouragement and confidence held me tenderly
and nudged me gently,
Whose judgement, disappointment and lack of faith called me
to deeper levels of commitment and resolve.

To the women on my journey who taught me love
by means of both darkness and light.

To these women I say bless you and thank you from the
depths of my heart,
for I have been healed and set free
through your joy and through your sacrifice.

Time heals all

2012-01-08T22:44:00.000-08:00

It's sthe second week of January and I have avoided blogging for a while. Firstly in December for the simple reason I needed a technology detox. Blackberries beeping and dual mail accounts tinking at all hours of the day started to consume me. The fact that I work on a computer all day does not help. I just needed a good dose of silence, natural light and non-virtual activities. It helped.
Then came January and all the changes with it. I don't like the new year mostly because it forces one into serious reflection, necessary, but not always kind. 2011 had taken it's toll on me and I keep going back to January 2011 and the chaos assosiated with it. The year just didn't start off well.
So this year I am determeined to really do things differrently. I have to start being honest. Really honest. With myself and the people dear to me.
So here goes:
1. I am not an alcoholic. Staying sober is not the issue for me. Co-dependece and kee I
Iping my husband sober was a major factor in my drinking and not-drinking. I haven't even considered drinking since he left. I don't miss it, even though I have had a glass of wine with my sister, it's much more fun drinking tea on the stoep. I have to stop hammering myself about alcohol. I don't want it, I don't need it. For years I was sure that if I lived a sober life he would stop drinking. He didn't. I still choose my sober life over the past and still work the steps, maybe now just more from an Alanon perspective.
2. I love my husband. Dear God how I have wished, prayed and begged that I didn't. But I do. And even though in some aspects my love may be perceived as conditional, it's not. I love him regardless of whether he is drinking or not. But I can only live with him if he is sober. And right now, he is. I have forgiven him and invited him back home. I am happy about my decision even though alot of people in my life don't share my enthusiasm. I can understand this too. I am taking it one day at a time, as I should. I put him in God's hands a long time ago, and I have no intention of taking back responsibility for him.
3. I like my life. I like myself. There is always room forr improvement and nothing is set in stone. For years I didn't touch onions, but now I can eat them when they are cooked. People change. I changed. I am going to be true to myself, keep my boundaries adjustable. I don't need to live up to other peoples expectations, only my own. That is a hard thing for me to do, but practice makes perfect.
I am happy. I am responsible to keep myself happy. And that's really all there is to it.

A very late night

2011-12-14T22:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday turned out to be a very very long day. I ended up working until 12 at night. Thiings where made slightly worse by my daughter phoning in tears that I had to come fetch her from the sleep over. Obviously I couldn't, so I phoned my stbx husband to fetch her and stay with her at home until I got home. He ended up sleeping on the couch and we had coffee together this morning for the first time in months. It didn't feel normal.

He celebrrated 90 days sobriety last night. It still amazes me, but I am grateful on his behalf and for my daughters sake that he has gained some sanity and is working on living a semi normal life. He is a good person and he deserves some happiness after all he has been through. If there was some prize in sobriety for effert, he sure deserves it.

Only one day left at work and even though I am severely sleep deprivved I am excited. It's almost overr and then some R&R. I honestly can not wait!

Today

2011-12-13T23:19:00.000-08:00

It's a rainy, overcast day in Gauteng. The traffic is starting to calm down to a trickle and it feels like driving through a ghost town to work each day. This is the only time of year I love being in Gauteng. Ample parking, you can cross a traffic light in on cycle, and you are on time when you leave 10 minutes late.

There's also the downside of the season. The shops hardly ever have enough of everything and in a province where anything is always available, having to drive to more then one store looking for fresh blueberries is an issue - although less traffic helps :-). I should plant a blueberry bush next year.

My mother left for her annual visit to my father in Malawi yesterday. I am babysitting her basset hound and two geriatric poodles. I have a small house and average lawn - five dogs tend to make things slightly cramped. Plus the constant marking of territory between the basset and Mollie, the hobo dog that recently joined my family, it's a bit to get used to. Plus the sleeping arrangements is a bit of a mess. Last night there was a huge thunderstorm and I ended up in between my 5 year old daughter, Softy the Corgi and Mollie. All shivering with fright. My insomnia was worsened by the poodles snoring and the basset's bad dream. I am tired today.

I had to bury one of my chickens yesterday. The basset likes playing with chickens, unfortunately he doesn't realise the chicken isn't playing along so much. R.I.P Kiepie. Kandas really misses you and so do I. I'm sorry I could not save you. Kandas has now taken to breeding for solice. I should probably take the eggs away. I don't have the heart, but I also don't have a rooster.

I only have 2 days left at work. This is really something to look forward to. A welcome break to regroup. I spent allot of time getting everyone perfect Christmas gifts this year, but find myself crying allot about the idea of spending Christmas alone with my daughter anyway. I should consider making the trip down to Bloemfontein. I suppose my mother is right. It's only Christmas. It never bothered me before, but this year was different. Silly I suppose...ho ho ho.

My daughter turned 5 on Monday. She is so proud of her age and can't wait to start loosing her baby teeth. She wakes up every morning convinced one of her teeth are loose. Don't wish to grow up my dear. Childhood is bliss, yours perhaps a little less of late. I love you and I am proud to be your mom.

I am home alone tonight. My daughter is sleeping over at her niece. I should really make it count for my soul. Today may just turn out to be an average fine day. I cannot wish for more.

What the...?

2011-12-08T23:06:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a wake up call! I moved to this new company mainly because I was convinced by one person that this would be a great place to work. As expected the first 3 months went well. Now all the masks have fallen to the floor. The true colors are all over the place and it's not a rainbow people.

I have always heard of people having this terrible boss, a person who is unreasonable and treats you like crap, never in my life could I have imagined that I would one day work for one. I had always thought I was good at summing up people - shit was I wrong about this one.

Without going into too much detail, we had a wiring job to do on a site. My direct manager sent one of the junior guys to go do it. I volunteered to go with thinking the exposure would be good for me. So they said I could do some telemetry tests once the wiring is done. By 15:00 my manager phoned and said I could go home. I asked the guy I went with if he would be okay if I left and he assured me he would (I mean our manager did originally send him alone). So I stayed until 16:00 and then left, since may manager and another programmer - who would do the telemetry tests, where on their way and since I had to fetch my daughter form school.

Next morning I was crapped out because I had left the guy alone there with a new client on a deadline (both of which we're facts I did not know). He attacked me when walking into the office, in front of everyone.

My question: should he not be angry at my manager for sending just the one guy to begin with and grateful that I did go with voluntarily? Could he not have called me into his office yesterday, explained why he thought it was wrong that I left and we could have calmly talked about it? Am I wrong about this?

I went to speak to him this morning in the hope that we can clear the air. I was told in no uncertain terms that I am wrong, it's his company and he has no intention of treating me any different. (I asked to be treated with respect) I was shocked. It is unbelievable how mean and cruel other people can be. I really feel terrible.

Anyway, I probably have to WORK now...Thank God it's Friday.

Miscommunication

2011-12-08T00:51:00.000-08:00

This day really started off terrible!

First when walking throught the door at the office my boss started crapping me out about a situation he was hugely misinformed about. It wasn't so bad getting shouted at over nothing, it was being shouted at over nothing in front of other people and then getting no apology.

Then my baby sister emailed me. A vicious, basically stay out of my life email. Which really is fine and well, expected from her. The problem is, now my mom is upset because my sister won't speak to me (again), I don't understand why not, so I am having a difficult time fixing it. Usually I know what I did wrong, but really this time I'm innocent.
I looked forward to my moms visit so much and now my mom doesn't want to come anymore because of the "feud" between me and my sister. O my God I can't stand other people.

I'm considering becoming a recluse. I am also considering going back to my old job. Here, the job is very nice, the people, not so nice. At my old job, the work was really boring, but the people where nice. Catch 22. Lesser of 2 evils - boring job, great people.

I have not title

2011-12-06T03:25:00.000-08:00

I just received a call from my mom telling me a dear friend and namesake of mine is dying from cervical cancer. She is 26 years old. Five months ago she had he son by Cesarean and they found a lump. She was diagnosed with aggressive cervical cancer. She has been for numerous operations since and undergoing chemo. She does not see her baby because she is too weak most of the times.
She didn't smoke, drink or use drugs. She has a husband that loves her more than anything.
She was one of the bravest people I know. A short coloured girl from the farm who walked into a mainstream school in the city and became the first person of colour to stay in our schools dorm. She was my room mate. She stayed no matter what the odds and how she was treated. She won over the entire dorm and became one of the most popular girls in our school. Somehow this doesn't seem fair. It true: only the good die young.
Lord may you grant my friend a single Christmas with her boy and a last with her husband. Carry them all.

Inner Peace

2011-12-05T22:23:00.000-08:00

I have felt an improvement in my life on spiritual and mental levels every day. I am glad to finally feel like I am moving forward. It's been a while.
It's my daughters 5th birthday this weekend. It's hard to believe it's already been five years. Luckily I don't have my usual "and nothing has changed" add-on to that. It has been five years, and now everything has changed for the better. I look forward to a new year with new challenges and opportunities. I really am thankful that God had given me the courage and strength to get through the last couple of months and I know that He will guide me through what lies ahead.
I really want to have a good relationship with my STBX, it's hard because he wants more than just a friendship. I am absolutely not ready for that. My heart is still broken. Only God can mend a broken heart. But my soul is still and quiet and filled with something very unfamiliar. Something I can only describe as peace.
I looked forward to Christmas this year, still do, but little less. I had so much spirit and for the fist time in years got everyone a gift, just something small. And now I will probably be spending the day alone with my daughter. My sisters all made their own plans and my mother and father are in Malawi, and my family has shrunk to only 2. It's a little sad, but I am grateful that it will be and alcohol and hurt free Christmas. That in itself will be a welcome change.

Scared, Frustrated

2011-12-02T00:25:00.000-08:00

My husband decided to leave rehab a bit early. He would have finished 13 December which would have given him ample time to still look for a place to stay etc. But, unfortunately, after an incident he decided not to go back to rehab and stayed in his car, a b&b and has now turned the guilt on flat out.

I am not going to let him stay with us. I am divorcing the man! What part of "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" is so difficult to understand. Does he maybe think divorce is something easily done and undone? That I made the decision during a passing tantrum?

If only he had been witness to what I went through the last 3 months. First, the shock, the disappointment of being replaceable, to realise maybe I never even featured. After crying about that, I had to get a grip of firstly myself, then my life all the while being strong for my daughter. I was forced to face all my demons. I had no one to solve my problems, calm me down or give advice. It was just me and God. And it scared the Hell out of me. Literally. It has been the most exhausting 3 months of my life. At the same time, it was liberating. I finally made decisions I should have made years ago. I felt like I got a second chance. I could finally break the cycle and learn how to 'live". Does my husband think, for one second, that I would declare all of this experience NULL and VOID and just go back to being his slave, slut and door mat? Not in this lifetime.

I am strong. I am determined. I will not tolerate being harassed into submission.

Thank you God for the strength you give me everyday. Always just enough to make me do what I need to do. I depend upon you today for calm, an open mind, a soft tongue and deliberate intention.

Being Rescued

2011-11-28T23:03:00.000-08:00

My husband signed the divorce papers a day later. I was relieved. It was finally over. The anxiety of waiting, not knowing what reaction to expect. I know he doesn't understand, but I have to cut myself off from the past to move forward.

I went away this past weekend on a spiritual retreat. It was bliss. Fresh vegetarian food, water, green tea, sleep, hiking, yoga, Thai chi, meditation, more sleep, and more than anything - quiet. Did I mention it was bliss? I really needed it and I feel so great. It cleared my head and strengthened my spirit. I feel like I can do another mile.

I rescued a stray dog yesterday. Seems to be a problem with me. I'll upload a picture of him. The family named him Mollie. Sight for sore eyes. He is currently having his hair or carpet done in the doggy salon. I probably won't be able to recognise him!

My heart is light, life goes on.

The idea of time is a convention of thought and language, a social agreement. Here is the deeper truth: we have only this moment.

The Guest House

2011-11-27T22:09:00.001-08:00

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

It's over but only one of us knows it

2011-11-16T22:12:00.000-08:00

He didn't sign.....

Nobody wins anymore

2011-11-15T23:23:00.000-08:00

I've been really busy trying to cope with my life. I still have not managed to balance things.

Mys husband had his birthday on 11/11. For me it was just another day that started with a small pang of guilt because I did not give him a present and I knew it would be a very bad day for him. See, his birthday used to be a huge event. Usually all at my cost, financially and emotionally. So I have to admit I felt a slight pang of satisfaction that this year it would suck. Cruel, I know.

The weekend was a good one. My garden is finally getting to a point where only maintenance is needed and I had a wonderful afternoon with two good friends who really mean well. It was fun.

On Sunday I had tea with my STBX husband at rehab and allowed my daughter to stay 30 minutes longer than usual. I don't want to be mean or punish my husband, but I know him. The slightest kindness from me looks like a foot in the door to him. So I have to be very strict with enforcing my boundaries. Or the chaos will be back before you know it.

Yesterday I finalised the divorce agreement with the attorney. My husband did not put up a fight. He was very co-operative and amicable. I am very grateful for this. We are signing the final document today. I thought about the weight of this event last night and realised that I am more sure of this decision that I was about the one to marry my husband. Still, the finality of it all is scary. There is some relief though.

In my daughters school they teach the kids that there are no winners and no losers as long as you participate. Perhaps nobody wins in this situation, but according to my upbringing, if no one wins, everybody looses. I think it safe to say it applies here.

I have started doing yoga again to help me sleep at night. It adds to my drive for stability. At least I can also add to the physical now. Emotionally it's still running riot, but my mind gets exhausted, so there are some periods of calm. I appreciate them.

I am looking forward to Christmas for some reason. I will probably only be spending it with my youngest sister and the kids, but this year will be special. I just have a feeling...

Thank you God for calm in my storm.
Thank you God that you provide in all my needs.
Thank you God for my sharp mind, however uncontrollable.
Take the lead today. I lost my map.

Try to say THANK YOU sometimes

2011-11-09T01:45:00.000-08:00

I thought allot about my miserable state of mind and also the effect my stinking thinking has on it.
This morning I got an email from a very good friend I haven't seen in months, maybe even years! She's going to have baby. She's going to be a wonderful mother. We decided to meet up for lunch some time next week. When looking at my diary I realised how much I have to be grateful for. I am almost fully booked every weekend until the end of the year. I have a University Alumni function to attend, a weekend away on my own booked and payed, my darling daughter's ballet exam, high tea with my two best friends, lunch with a dear friend I am dying to see and my new wonderful boss gave me two weeks leave over December - no payback needed - even though I have no leave! My life is actually starting to look like the life I had imagined. Filled with things I want to do and not always have to do because I feel guilty or to keep the peace. I have friends who want to see me! I no longer have to worry about how other people will behave or how embarrassed I might be. I know I can stay as long as I want because nothing is interfering with any one's drinking time.
It seems I have been filling the GAP already, I was just too ungrateful to see it. I moved the mountain and I am saying THANK YOU and walking towards a brand new horizon. Thank you God!

GAP!

2011-11-08T01:48:00.000-08:00

I am having a GAP day.

Let me start with last week. On Monday evening I was informed my STBX was served with the divorce papers. Should be a relief right? And Yes, to some extent it was a step forward. With this confirmed I started packing up his stuff and loading it into his car. Easy right - not easy. I felt terrible. The whole exercise of going through all our stuff and splitting it up, accumulating his entire life into one car shredded me. I just went numb, got a severe migraine and I am not even going to elaborate on the spastic colon. Needless to say I was in no condition to go to work, which ended in 4 days sick leave and an emotionally crippling sick note. I was so embarrassed!
At least both my bosses where darlings and assured me they understand. (I really hope they where honest).
Now, all this moving and shaking (literally) left a massive GAP. There is a GAP in his closet, his financial file and I still have to do the garage. There is a GAP where there should be someone to help decide about the birthday party, gift, place, cake, upcoming Christmas and all the other very important events that used to rule our household this time of the year. But there is no-one. Just the GAP. I am excited, but have no one to share it with. I look forward to my daughters delighted face and the pictures after all has passed, but I know that in these very same pictures there will be the GAP that I will now have to get accustomed to.
I don't like the GAP much and I need to fill it with something. Any suggestions?
Another GAP I am experiencing is the GAP where my heart used to be. Everyone keeps saying "I know you must be feeling so and so..." and honestly I don't feel so and so. People saying "o, you are really doing well under the circumstances". What the hell do they know? No offence, I know the mean well, but seriously, you have no idea what it feels like to explain over and over the biggest failure and disappointment of my entire life. To discuss my daughters well being without feeling like the worst mother on the planet, to discuss the divorce without feeling acutely lonely. So next time you ask how I am doing and I answer "OK thanks" please don't screw it up by adding "under the circumstances that's really great". Don't call me brave, don't congratulate me, and for Pete's sake don't even think about lecturing me. I might just lend you my shoes so you can have mile in them...and we'll see how well you do "under the circumstances."

On Love

2011-10-26T22:31:00.001-07:00

“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.”
― Paulo Coelho

Bittersweet weekend

2011-10-24T00:22:00.000-07:00

I had a emotionally draining weekend. I used to hate weekends because of my husbands excessive drinking - now it's the rehab visits. My husband had his first "day out" for completing Step 5. I invited him to a function at my daughter's school. Huge mistake. She was crying and clingy all day. He was weird and kept staring at me. He says it's because he just wanted to see me, because he knows what he had lost. It was creepy. Upsetting, unsettling.
I had a throbbing headache by the time we got home, and my daughter and I had a nap. I then spent most of the rest of the weekend trying to get her to calm down and stop being so emotionally draining. I honestly don't know what to do. Do I keep her away form him? Do I change my attitude and suck it up and ruin every weekend for the next two months and might I add keep giving him false hope that I will take him back. Because that's what he reads into it. He thinks he still has a chance. I am really at my limits. I can feel the pressure building up and I know I am at risk of blowing. Worst, I will probably blow at my daughter who seems to be in the firing line all the time. I really don't know how to handle this situation. I am at wits end.
I did some homey things this weekend to make myself feel better (normal). I preserved beetroot and tried a new recipe for a dessert. It all turned out great. I cooked Sunday lunch with all the South African trimmings and invited my sister and her friend over - not that her mood contributed to the overall situation. I just felt relieved last night when my daughter was finally asleep and I could sit on my back porch, smoking a cigarette, having a cup of sweet tea and breathing a sigh of relief. But it felt so wrong to be relieved that the weekend is over. I should enjoy weekends, not fear them.
At least I've made a decision. I'm not seeing my husband again and I am not taking my daughter to visit for the next 4 weekends. I just really need a break. So I will be meeting with the social worker at the rehab today, and my husband's councillor to inform them of my intentions.
My husband probably won't take it well, but well, that is his problem to deal with. As they say, a decision without action really means you haven't decided.
It's Monday now and I will just have to get through this week one day at a time as usual, dealing with one challenge at a time. There simply is no workable alternative.

Just for fun I'm adding the recipe for the dessert - try it, it's worth it!

Ingredients

1 large jam roll
200g fresh strawberries, halved, leaves removed
15 ml suger
30 ml gelatine
30 ml cold water
250 ml custard
250 ml cream
75 ml warm apricot jam
Extra straweberries to dip in melted chocolate for decoration.

Slice the jam roll into 5mm slices and line a round mixingbowl with volume of 1 litre with the slices. Place them as close together as possible.
Mix the strawberries with the sugar and leave in the freezer for about 30min.
Mix the gelatine and the cold water. Heat in the microwave for 10 seconds to disolve the gelatine.
Wisk the cream until stiff, soft and pointy. Mix the custard and gelatine well and slowly fold the cream in.
Place 2 thirds of the mixture in the caked bowel.
Mix the strawberries with the last third of the mixture and pour into the caked bowl before it starts setting. Top off with more cake slices so it's completely sealed.
Leave in the fridge for atleast 2 hours to set before turning it out.
After turning it out, coat with melted apricot jam and decorate with choclate dipped strawberries.

Supposedly enough for 6 people - but you won't be willing to share!

Nightmares

2011-10-20T00:11:00.000-07:00

I had a very weird dream last night. I dreamt I was a visitor in my own home. I was serving all the people coming in and out of the house. I could feel that some important occasion was coming, that's what everyone was there for, and I realised the occasion was my STBX husband being discharged from rehab.
My father-in-law was organising everything. Fretting about nonsense in his hyper guilty way. He was fertilizing all the weeds in the garden and trying to make them look like they belonged by covering the ground around them with sand from my daughter's sand pit. I tried to explain to him that they where weeds, but he couldn't hear me, even when I started screaming. He wanted to barbecue a fish and I took it from him, to start preparing it, because they where drinking and I was hungry and knew they would not get around to cooking the food. He came into the kitchen and kept telling me what to do. I was furious and yelled "I know how to prepare a fish". (But really I don't). So I screwed it up badly and the fish ended up in a heap of tinfoil soaking in the washbasin.
A very dear friend of ours was there, I was so happy and relieved to see him. Believing he would understand my frustration. When I walked up to him, he was standing with the AA Big Book in his hand, rolling his eyes and saying: " Thank God I don't know any of these stupid people!" and he chucked the book onto the table, looking me up and down in disgust and walking away. I felt so frustrated and betrayed!
Throughout the dream I felt like no one understood, everyone was so angry at me. I didn't want to make them understand, I wanted them to leave. I wanted my father-in-law to stop acting like he owned my house and stop making changes and oredering everyone around.

I woke up feeling sad this morning. Wondering what the real nightmare is. I am taking my daughter for playtherapy just to make sure I'm not missing something with her. She's doing okay, but it's obvious that there has to be some things she can't deal with and I want to help her and be there for her through all of this. Make sure she knows she can count on me.

I got myself som sleeping pills. I need to start somewhere and a healthy sleeping pattern is a good place I quess. Small steps, one day at a time. Curing the insanity, calling a weed a weed and doing some serious weeding.

It finally rained. Everything looked a little cleaner and brighter today. Thank you God for second chances and waking up from nightmares.

O holy crap, it's me!

2011-10-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had "one-of-those-days". I just could not face the world. So I called in sick with some lame excuse and moped around all day. My daughter has been acting up again and I really feel it's my fault. I am so depressed and tired all the time I hardly pay any attention to her and when I do it's usually in the form of me being impatient and mean - I dare say.
I have been really having a pity party! I feel so sorry for myself. I even got into an argument with my mother. I'm actually causing my own chaos. I keep having panic attacks about my husband being discharged from rehab and it's still 2 months off. I am so scared that he's going to come out and not have anywhere to go and then start his begging, stalking and emotional draining again. I know this is not something I can control and all I can do is just get myself sorted and ready, but I just wish it was all over. I am procrastinating and hiding. Fear is running my life right now. So here's what I've realised:
1. I am all my daughter has - I need to pull it together.
2. I cannot live in fear for the rest of my life - I need to deal with the stuff that scares me.
3. I cannot let this situation interfere with my job anymore. I have to kill the old pattern.
4. I have to accept the things I cannot change and focus on solving the problems that I have some control over.
5. The relationship is more important than the issue.
6. I have to stop sabotaging myself.

I need to get through this week. One day at a time.

Moving forward

2011-10-13T22:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a bumpy ride. The week felt long and draining. We had another family counseling session at the rehab my husband is attending and I had my stomach in a knot all week. I never know what to expect from him. One thing I am certain of is that I usually don't like what I hear. As predicted he tried to convince me of why I should be walking the path with him. I should come to more sessions with the counsellor etc. I explained to him very clearly (I hope), that I am getting help. That I am seeing my sponsor and attending Al-Anon regularly. I also tried to explain to him why it is impossible for me to continue with our marriage. He keeps telling me he just wants to come home and have everything as it was. Now that, dear friends is a scary thought. Going back to the way it was. I simply can't! I explained that nothing about that life was true. The bad parts where really bad and the good parts where my imagination. My marriage did not really exist and all I though I had built was only a pipe-dream. I have awakened to that reality, accepting it for what it is and am now trying to figure out how to keep moving forward regardless of what the day produces.
I am trying very hard to get my life back into balance, emotionally, spiritually and physically. It amazed me how easily alcoholics make it about them. My husband feels my newly found direction is a direct rejection of him as a person. Well, it's not. I reject chaos and madness and thus by default everyone causing or associating with it. He chose his path, I am now choosing mine. I have finally realised I am worthy and I refuse to be treated badly.
I am looking forward to the weekend. Jabulani is coming and we have some cement work to do. My daughter has a friends birthday party and on Sunday a dear friend I haven't seen in months is popping in.
I have some mosaic work I want to do and want to make a trip to the warehouse over lunch time. My garden is really getting there, and I am happy that the winter is finally over.

Reflection

2011-10-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

One thing I like about blogging, is you can actually go back to previous posts and read what you where thinking a year ago. I did just that today - not really a year back, but the time around my husband’s birthday last year. Some history - he had lost his job, had been home for about 2 months, drinking, obviously, when I asked him to please go visit/stay with his father for a couple of weeks. I couldn't stand it anymore. He was so needy it suffocated me.
Anyway, he came back, "sober" one week and full of promises and expectations. I on the other hand had no expectations. In fact I knew I was getting the one over. I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.
Thinking about what has transpired between 12 Nov 2010 and this day, I am filled with grief and resentment. I cannot believe that I actually stuck it out another year. I am so anxious for the divorce to start proceeding and I pray every day that it will be over quickly, not to avoid the pain, but to reach some sort of "It's done". This off course is entirely wishful thinking.
My husband phoned last night (his 10min twice a week phone call) and asked me to please reconsider. He is still basing his entire recovery upon the misguided fact that I will be there waiting for him when he gets out. And everything will be "normal". Whatever the hell that is. What he fails to understand is that nothing from our past life together holds any nostalgic value for me. I don't want to do any of it over or have anything in my life from here on to resemble anything from that time. I do not need any reminders; it's hard enough to forget.
The trouble is - he still does not want to accept, it's over. He still longs for a life that never really existed. Our life together was a sham held together by brute force and a crapload of hope and perseverance. The minute I let go it shattered. Nothing remained. I am done picking through the rubble for something valuable that might have stayed intact. There is nothing.
In Al-Anon we discussed the question: “If you knew before you got married what your life would be like - would you still get married and live that life again for the sake of the love you have for the person?" My answer: a definite NO. I felt a little guilty and weak for not being able to "survive" it again. I'm just not a martyr. I was not born to willingly sacrifice myself and my daughter on a daily basis for all eternity for a single human being who's only interest is to suck the life out of me.
I have way more to give than that.

Choices

2011-10-11T00:11:00.000-07:00

Hopeless

2011-10-07T01:03:00.000-07:00

It's Friday. I should be excited, but really - I'm not. I received an emailfrom my attorney (not the divorce one) regarding a matter about a womanscrewing me out of R150 000 three years ago. There is still no progress on thematter even though it has already cost me another R30 000. When is this goingto stop? I really need to close the chapter. I know if I stop now all the moneyI've already paid will be lost, but sometimes we need to know when to cut ourlosses. It really feels like I have reached that stage.
My emotions are going crazy. Half the time I function like a robot, barelygetting through yet another physically and emotionally painful day. The otherhalf I cry. In between there are bouts of excitement for what the future holds,then the fear and the anger and lastly...the hopelessness.
I received another email from an online support group on divorce thatencouraged me to "Embrace my Singleness". It's hard. I know that mymarriage is over. I know I have to get divorced - not just for me, but also formy husband. He needs to deal with the full consequence of what he had done. Ineed to be free and learn to live again. But it's really hard staying in themoment, when every cell in your body just needs for it to be over.
I've been struggling with my own sobriety as well. I suppose it's thedesperate drive for pain relief that gets me down. Some days I will do anythingto not have to feel the day. I consider drinking, and then I considerthat drinking is what got me here to begin with. I'm also lonely - somethingthat really scares me. I've always loved my own company, but lately I'm souncomfortable with myself. It’s a bad feeling.
Anyway, I don't really have a choice. I have to keep moving forward, buttoday it will be one minute at a time.
"For some people things don'twork out as they might have hoped. Hope is a strange thing. A currency forpeople who know they are losing. The more familiar you are with hope, the less beautifulit becomes." - Frankie, 16 Years of Alcohol.

It hurts

2011-10-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

I told my husband on Monday about the divorce. He had a rather unexpected reaction. He was fine with it. He said he had been expecting it and did not want to cause me any more pain. That he will try to work with me to sort it out as soon as possible. It was a relief, but also very sad that it had come to this. It is now final. Almost over.
So with my foot situation and the immobility that comes with it, I have had a lot of couch time. Crying, pleading, reasoning, thanking and other irrational outbursts towards God and myself. It felt good to finally come to a standstill (forcibly) and start dealing with what's happening. I need to start planning my 'perfect' future. Decide where I want things to go and then start working towards it. I need vision.
Sitting in my silent house I can hear God's voice for the first time in months. My head is quieting down. What's left of my ego, backing off. I cannot describe my feelings, it just hurts mostly. I feel hopeful though. It cannot last forever.
My daughter phoned last night. She's having so much fun on holiday with grandpa and grandma. I'm glad. I just want her to enjoy her childhood. Be happy and carefree before the world chews you up and spits you out. What I wouldn't trade for one day as a 4 year old...bliss. I miss my mother.

“I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.”
Unknown

D day

2011-10-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was a bit of an interesting day. Firstly it poured! The result was that Jabulani did not come to work. I phoned him to tell him it would really be a day wasted.
I then proceeded to do some drilling of holes myself. Due to the rain, slipped of the ladder and tore all the ligaments in my left ankle.
But wait, that's not all. The director of the rehab my STBX husband is attending, phoned to ask me not to inform my STBX that he will in fact be an ex very soon. So I actually had no reason to go visit, but felt guilty!!! and went. It was weird, but a confirmation (like I needed one) that I am doing the right thing. The rest of the day was spent in the emergency room having my foot checked out because by that time I couldn't walk on it anymore.
So now...today is D-day. We have a "family counselling session" today where I can tell him of his soon to be divorced status.
I am home alone, crippled, still severely sleep deprived, emotionally completely unbalanced and spiritually bankrupt. I want to just to sleep and when I wake up - realise it was all just a really long, really bad dream.

A less than great day

2011-09-29T23:22:00.000-07:00

I am severely sleep deprived. I keep having the worst nightmares, waking up at 2am unable to fall asleep again. I've tried sleeping pills, but they don't prevent the nightmares (seems to only keep me in them longer) and they make me feel drowsy the next day.
I've tried not getting up, lying still, drinking warm milk and honey, water, breathing exercises. Nothing works. I'm so tired breathing feels like an impossible task. And I am scared and sad and angry and I don't want to be sitting at my desk. I want to be crying, crying and crying until there is nothing left to cry about.
I want to have control back over my emotions. I want it to be easy, just for once.

Woman

2011-09-28T01:39:00.000-07:00

I read one of my older posts this morning and came across a very true piece about what every woman should know. It was in Afrikaans so I decided to translate it. It's just worth another read.

Every woman should know she cannot do much about the length of her legs, the width of her hips or the nature of het parents.

Every woman should know her childhood may not have been perfect... but it's over...

Every woman should decide what excactly she is willing to do, or not do, for love

She should know how to stay on her own even if she doesn't like it.
She should know who to trust and why not to take everything personal.

Every woman should know where to go to refresh her soul, whether it's the kitchen of an old freind or an upmarket spa in the mountains.

Every woman should know what she is able to achieve in one day...
One month...
One year...
Ane what she is unable to achieve.

Every woman should have at least one or two friends and be able to laugh, dance and sing for no reason at all.

Accept what is

2011-09-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

In once sense, accepting what if is a given. What is - the reality of the moment - can't be otherwise, so why fight it? But acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It's also an invitation to dig deeper. That's where we strike gold. Beneath appearances lies a more nuanced level of reality. It's like looking at someones face and seeing the story behind it. Everything is precious once we know how to look - Book of days October

I came upon this piece on a very low day. It got me thinking. It is so true. My life right now scares me some days, but mostly it excites me. The possibilities are endless. I have to calm myself down to prevent myself from attempting a million things at once thus creating my own chaos!
I hired a gardener this weekend. What an angel! A handyman of note with a soft demeanor and a glorious sense of humor. A kind young man with respect for nature and other human beings. I think Jabulani and I will walk together for a while.
With Jabulani I made a lot of progress getting my garden back to a tolerable state. There are so many things that needs fixing and mending, most of all my heart. But for now I am focusing on accepting, truly believing, that what is, is. I could not have changed anything. I could not have altered my current reality had I done more, less or differently. It just is. And it really isn't that bad. It's just new.
My daughter is getting better everyday. Less and less outbursts and anger. We are having fun conversations on some weird topics and sometimes seeing things through her eyes really simplifies it. Parents should pay attention to what their children say. They don't sugarcoat things. I feel like I am getting closer to her.
I attended my homegroup Al-anon meeting last night. It was good to be surrounded with so much love and understanding. It really never is easy to do the right thing. One of the girls fiancee had his firs AA birthday. It left me with a bit of despair. How I prayed for that to be my husband. I am happy for them, but what is is.

A life disintegrating

2011-09-22T22:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was tough. Really tough. I felt empty. I sat opposite the attorney, giving all my personal details. It felt like applying for at passport. I had to give the two major reasons I want the divorce. It was easy. I am scared of my husband and I do not trust him near my daughter. I was completely void of emotion. That is what bothered me. Thinking back on the drive home I could see the little bits and pieces of my life that had crumbled away over the past decade. I harly recognised myself. It hurt. I felt so acutely powerless, that I became angry. Then I cried. I cried about the "what ifs", the "it happened's", the "could have's" and the million unanswered "why's".
I feel better today. I feel a little bit lost. This whole situation is unchartered territory. I've taken the day off from the journey. I'm just going to regroup, resupply and re-energise myself today. I have done as much as I can do, for now.

Powerlessness and beyond

2011-09-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

Step one teaches us that we are powerless over alcohol. Indeed the truth, whether it is your own drinking or that of someone else. I have given my power to God regarding my own drinking and it has been liberating. It seems though, that when it comes to the Al-Anon side of it - I struggle. I have tried everything to control my husbands drinking, from controlling his finances in the early days, to home breathalyzer kits in the end, to doing absolutely nothing except playing the martyr every time he acted out. Nothing worked - as can be expected. So I have put him in God's hands. I pray that his eyes will open an that he will realise that he has already lost me and that even sobriety at this point cannot turn back the hands of the clock. O, that dear clock. The very same one I had attempted to force into reverse so many times. Spilled milk, that's what it is. No amount of begging, crying, bargaining or any length of sobriety can turn back the time. The sooner we let go, the easier and the faster we move forward.
Which brings me to my point today. I am powerless over my husbands drinking. There are however things I do have power over.
1. I am allowed to refuse to let the chaos back into my life. I have power over my boundaries.
2. I am allowed and expected to make better choices for myself.
3. I do not have to believe that my husband's intentions are pure to forgive him. I have the power to let go.
4. I do not have to stay in a destructive relationship because I am a christian.
5. I am not a failure because I could not "fix" my marriage.
6. I am not weak because I am human.
7. It's never too late to make the right decision and see it through. I have the power to do what I say.
8. I can control how I react to the situations arising from my decisions. I have the power to be kind, even though I feel hurt.
9. I am able to forgive someone without allowing them back in to my life. I have the power to forgive.
10. It's not selfish to choose the light. I have the power to choose.

Today I am doing something I should have done a long time ago. Accepting that I cannot change my husband. I have no power over the alcohol that controls him. I am starting divorce proceedings today. It's time. There really are no more chances or love left, in fact, love doesn't really have anything to do with it. I will not be visiting him in rehab, not yet. I am also not ready to tell him whats coming. He might decide there's no point in sticking to rehab then. Believe it or not, I want him to get better, even if it's just to make it easier to divorce him.

I am by no means in a good place today, but I am in a place. It's up to me to choose the best route out of this place. I have the power to move forward. Isn't that really all we need to do?

I am only one;
but still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
but I can do something.
I will not refuse to do
the something I can do.
- Helen Keller

So when it actually happens

2011-09-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

So it happened. My husband hit rock bottom. Long story short he was arrested for drunk driving on Sunday, tried to lie about it on Monday, in rehab on Tuesday.
I am so grateful for Al-Anon today. If I had not started attending Al-Anon and learned how to detach with love, my week would look very different so far. I would have been bailing him out at 2:00am on Monday morning, let him stay with me because I felt sorry (taking a day off) and I would have been left with the bill for rehab - that's if we went that route!
Instead I had a good nights rest on Sunday, told him to not make his problems mine on Monday and had his father pay the rehab bill on Tuesday.
I felt guilty last night. And very sad. It flt like I had deserted him. But I know, thanks to Al-Anon, that he is exactly where he should be and so am I.
God has been very good to me. I am very sad. I think it's normal because my heart is broken, but I have so much peace. It's finally over. Weather he recovers or not, for me the chaos is over. He will be locked up for 3 months with no way to contact me. Finally some real peace and quiet. Finally.
I will pray for him everyday and I will have a moments silence for him everyday. But that is it.
My new job is turning out to be very challenging and busy. I love it. I feel renewed, my self esteem has skyrocketed and I am taking care of myself. In between all the sadness a little glimmer of happiness keeps poking it's head out. I have some major resentments to work through, but I am getting there, one day at a time. Best part, through all of this I had managed to stay sober, because I did not want to or need to drink. I could find solutions that actually worked. I survived. Now I just need to live.
Today I'm not closing the book, I'm turning the page. It's time for a new chapter.

Thought...

2011-09-08T22:09:00.001-07:00

The stronger that I become, the more glaring and unacceptable my weakness are to me.

The upside of anger

2011-09-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

It's been one week since my husband moved out and one week since I started my new job. The job is great, still not as busy as I would like, but getting there.
I have been a bit more busy than intended, so I have not really started sorting out the things that matter in my life. Feels like it's a daily struggle to just get by. I go through my routines and get very angry when they are disturbed. I shouldn't get so angry but I do. I have such an intense fear and dislike of chaos that anything remotely resembling it infuriates me. But there is and upside. The anger drives me. It gets me to get up in the morning and give all I have to reclaim my life. It gives me the courage to say "NO" when I need to. It makes me persistent to get myself heard and to no allow anyone or anything to divert me from my main purpose - to heal. I will get better.
I have cried only once. I'm having trouble sleeping. My mind keeps going into overdrive thinking of everyting that needs attention and doing. So I made a list and I am attempting one thing at a time and focussing on being patient. Somewhere along the line I seriously misplaced my patience.
The first thing - and I think most important thing right now is getting well rested. So I'm going to bed at 8:30 every night (taking a sleeping pill if I have to) so that I can think clearly. After my husband left I just felt so tired. Suddenly the struggle and tension was gone and I felt 3 years of exhaustion just claiming it's toll. So yes, my anger had an upside. It had kept me going. Now it's time to say good bye to anger and welcome peace.

Honest Living

2011-09-06T02:27:00.000-07:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

New Beginnings

2011-09-01T23:47:00.000-07:00

Today is day 2 at my new job. Still not much to do except a huge amount of reading. I already got a very nice project, can't wait to get coding.
My husband mved out yesterday. I tried really hard not to think about it. I have so many emotions that it's hard to feel anything at this stage. I really feel sad and cheated, that makes me angry because I had no say in what was happening. I had to take control of my life and that forced me to make decision I otherwise wouldn't have. It made my life something I did not expect. But I am trying to regroup. Gather up what I still have and work with it.
It's spring, I have a new job and I have a real chance at serenity. How Blessed am I?

Permission

2011-08-22T00:09:00.000-07:00

Unconditional Love

2011-08-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

Today I am faced with a bit of a catch 22. I love my husband. My experiences as an alcoholic gives me unparallelled compassion for his situation. I want to help him, support him and care for him as I promised when I married him. This however, places me at a place where the only way to do these things is to do something perceived as a hateful thing to do. I have to let him go. I don't want to. I don't need to (not that much, I'll probably be okay in time), but I have to. I know that if I let him stay it would be so easy to go back to his old ways. I should have left 3 years ago, but no crying over spilled milk. I have the opportunity to make things different now.
Why do we love our alcoholic spouses so much? Even when we have received no benefit, felt unloved, where abused, emotionally marred to point where we do not recognize ourselves, we still love. Why? I was brought up to "turn the other cheek" according to my religion. Yet my mother always preached that we should never allow anyone to turn us into dependents (she should have added anything...). I know that I deserve a sober, fulfilled life, some serenity and the occasional peace. I know I have something to give to this life. A part to play. But so does my husband. As much as I want to be part of his life, I cannot be in the way of him doing his part. We have been so bad for each other. I know I have to do things differently this time, but that makes my love feel so conditional.
I know that in time he will thank me. I know I am doing the right thing allowing him to life his own life. Even though he does not perceive it as an opportunity right now, it might just be the moment that changed his life.
Knowing things and doing things are so much different. It's so easy to do something you know you shouldn't, but bordering impossible to do something you should/have to.
I choose to be brave.

A promise of rain

2011-08-15T02:40:00.000-07:00

The weather is miserable today. Cold, cloudy with thunder that keeps reminding you it might rain today. No rain yet.
My daughter has become unmanageable. She has shut herself off emotionally, refuses to eat and everything gets challenged and mostly ends in temper tantrums and resentments directed at me. Her father doesn't think his drinking has anything to do with it.
I tried to remember why I wanted to stop drinking. I felt terrible every day, physically and emotionally. I felt guilty about everything. My life was dull, unemotional, I had no control over my child, my work or my household. I did not want control anymore. I lost my fighting spirit and my vision. I wanted to die. On some levels I did die. I struggled for three years. Three very long years to stay sober. I finally made it to 70 days, then relapsed, then 90 days and relapsed and now, here I am at 20 weeks, still sober wondering what changed. I changed. Alcohol does not offer an escape anymore. It does not seem inviting, relaxing or fun to drink anymore. I am still too scared to think about tomorrow, but I am sober every day. Sober, not just NOT-DRINKING. That is what changed.
My husband will be leaving at the end of the month. Still 15 more "one-day-at-a-time"s away. It's better for everyone. His journey has become destructive, disruptive, mind-numbing, spirit-crushing and I refuse to remain involved. I am sure that once he is gone, and the clouds clear, I will have an emotion on this subject.
For now I have to accept that the clouds that have loomed may have had promise of rain, but it won't rain. Not today anyway.

Simple Pleasures

2011-08-11T05:03:00.000-07:00

I have simple tastes, I am easy to please. Today I will not pound my fist on the table of life demanding more from it than I am willing to give to it. When I can take pleasure in ordinary things and joy from everyday experience, life fills me, feels satisfying. This attitude allows me to use what I have. I recognize that it is not what I have but how I value and enjoy it that generates happiness.

Daily meditation 11/08/11 ITR

Dysfunction

2011-08-10T00:45:00.000-07:00

I had a lovely weekend. I was depressed as hell and no matter how hard my mom and sister tried, I was just unable to feel better. I am still depressed. My daughter is now staying with my mom till the weekend, to visit with both her grandparents. So she will be okay. I really wished she could stay longer. I don't know what to tell her anymore.
I just can't handle having to deal with my husband on a daily basis anymore. It hurts like hell. I have every intention of saying nothing and then I get so angry that I become mean. Then I feel bad about myself. I just hate the whole situation. I wish he would just leave. I wish it would just end. I feel like I could explode any moment, yet I am completely empty. I feel like such a failure and at the same time know that there really was nothing I could do. On one side I understand alcoholism and what it does/how it works and on the other hand I can't understand how he could do this to me again. It's a mess. It's the final peak of dysfunction. A dysfunction that since my childhood had become a normality. One I am no longer willing to accept nor force upon my daughter.
When I got home last night I was greeted by an up-heaved garden, dinner I didn't want, more begging and crying. I just felt so tired. I still feel tired. I feel lonely and hopeless. I can already feel myself considering just letting him do what he wants so all the emotional abuse can just STOP. But I know I can't. I know this time I have to stick it out. If not for me, then for my daughter. Life is just to short to allow a very sick person to ruin it. They say one alcoholic directly affects the lives of at least 8 people negatively. Right now I am painfully aware of two. I should just cry and let it go. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This is the saddest I have ever been. This has been the biggest disappointment of my life. I started wondering if sobriety is worth it and attended a meeting. I know it is. I am worth it. I am allowed a happy, peaceful live. I deserve as much as anyone, no more, no less. And I am still sober. And will remain sober for the rest of this day.

Remeber

2011-08-05T00:22:00.000-07:00

The most useless thing to do_______WORRY
The greatest joy is in___________GIVING
The greatest loss is the___LOSS of SELF-RESPECT
The most satisfying work______HELPING OTHERS
The ugliest personality trait____SELFISHNESS
The greatest thief of time________PROCRASTINATION
The most endangered species________DEDICATED LEADERS
The greatest shot in the arm__________ENCOURAGEMENT
The greatest problem to overcome_______F-E-A-R
The most effective sleeping pill_______PEACE of MIND
The most crippling failure disease___EXCUSES
The greatest teacher _________ OUR MISTAKES
The most powerful force in life_____L-O-V-E
The most dangerous pariah___________A GOSSIPER
The softest pillow is _______ A CLEAR CONSCIENCE
Th biggest room ________ THE ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
The worlds most incredible computer____The BRAIN
The worst thing to be without__________H-O-P-E
The deadliest weapon________________THE TONGUE
The two most power-filled words___I CAN
The greatest asset______________F-A-I-T-H
The most terrible human emotion___JEALOUSY*
The most worthless emotion__________SELF-PITY
The most prized possession____________INTEGRITY
The most beautiful attire_________________A SMILE
The most contagious spirit________________ENTHUSIASM
The most powerful channel of communication__PRAYER
The most important thing in life is_____G-O-D.
"Source unknown"
* this line was added from BB p82 Into Action.
# Contempt prior to investigation will keep us
in everlasting ignorance...Anex.to BB

TODAY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY IN MY LIFE.

Spiritual Intellegence (SQ)

2011-08-04T01:48:00.000-07:00

1. Self-Awareness

What we believe, value and what motivates us deeply

2. Spontaneity

Living in the moment; being responsive to the moment.

3. Vision and Value-led

Acting form principles and deep beliefs.

4 Holism

Seeing larger parts, relationships and connections. Having a sense of belonging.

5. Compassion

“Feeling with”, and deep empathy.

6. Celebrating diversity

Value others and their difference, and not despite it.

7. Field independence

Standing against a crowd and having one’s own conviction.

8. Humility

Having the sense of being a player in a large drama of one’s true place in the world.

9.Tendency to ask fundamental “why” questions

Needing to understand things and getting to the bottom of them.

10. Ability to re-frame

Stand back from a situation/problem, and see the bigger picture.

11. Positive use of adversity

Learning and growing from mistakes, suffering and setbacks.

12. Sense of vocation

Feeling called upon to serve and to give something back.

Say what you mean and mean what you say....

2011-08-04T00:08:00.000-07:00

The lady had a point....

Healthy boundries and detachment

2011-08-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

A quick recap. My husband has been sober for almost 90 days when he decided that he does not think he is an alcoholic and can control his drinking. This happened during a time I was slightly more focused on my life with a huge decision I had to make and I was down with the flu. Anyway, you can imagine my reaction....

It is that reaction that has been bothering me. I went back to a book I was reading on Co-dependency and we had a discussion in Al-Anon on healthy boundaries. I realized that my reaction was in anger and hate and it was a tell tale sign of how much I still want to control my husband's drinking. I also realized that the past 3 months was not really the perfect progress I so desperately wanted to believe. I was just working extra hard to make sure he was happy so that he had absolutely no reason to drink and so that when he did decide to drink - I could absolve myself of any responsibility. Which really is insane! It is impossible to make and alcoholic happy.

So really what I have realized is this - I am most at fault here. I still have absolutely no healthy boundaries. Because my husband believes that he can do nothing without me and I have entertained the smothering, because I did not want to upset him. He also pleaded wildly and desperately that I should not divorce him. A tactic that he is convinced if carried out long enough will yield the results he hopes for. (And sad to say up to now have worked like clockwork) I did however suggest that we could separate for a year to allow him to sort out his life, make his own decisions and learn to live without my constant assistance. He does not want to. Leaving me with the unfortunate decision of having to do what what I said 3 month ago I would do - divorce him if he ever drank again. His defense is that it only happened once (also translated as I was only caught once), the unfortunate part is I don't believe it and because I cannot be 100% sure that it is the truth, I cannot accept it and allow this cycle to repeat itself.
It is very hard for me to detach emotionally and not involve myself with someone living with me in my own home, sleeping in the same bed. Someone desperately wanting me to "just forget" what happened and continue like nothing has changed. I look at him and I feel absolutely nothing but contempt and sudden bouts of hate. How am I ever supposed to heal and look after myself an my daughter living with this person forcing himself, his problem and his life upon us mercilessly? Answer is I can't.

Decision time. There are 3 things I need to stop doing immediately.

1. Taking care of others at the expense of myself (whether emotionally or physically)
2. Active or passive obsession with controlling another person’s behavior (right now pretty active)
3. Doing for others that which they could and should do for themselves

Since there is only one functioning adult in our marriage, I will have to make the decision. Not everybody is going to be happy with that decision....

Got it.

2011-08-01T01:24:00.000-07:00

Past

2011-07-29T01:26:00.000-07:00

Over the past years I have become accustomed to the feeling of dragging something along when something is not right. I always sense when things are happening behind my back. It is frustrating and hard to ignore, but also difficult to solve due to lack of proof. But I know, you know?, how you just know?
Well, Ive been down the last couple of weeks blaming everything else - I had the flu, I'm changing jobs, I've been busy etc etc. But I know - it's the depression, built up from uncertainty and being lied to. It's the past tapping on my shoulder and the fear of looking back and realizing it's not over. Accepting it never will be. The disappointment, the angst, the surrender, having to give up because you know there is nothing else left to do. Not being able to understand why. But still I know, that makes me responsible to act.

The other people

2011-07-28T03:20:00.000-07:00

On Monday a disturbing thing happened to me on my home from work. I haven't really told anyone and don't quite know how to categorize it, but it hasn't left me so it's difficult to just shrug it off.
I stopped by the groceries store on my home and upon leaving I had to cross a 3 way stop intersection, I waited for a man who had right of way. He could not move because a lady in a large land rover was happily dreaming away halfway into the intersection. So he indicated I should go which I the did. What I did not pay attention to was the young man in the car behind me. The minute I pulled away he started hooting profusely signalling the most vivid private and personal profanities at me. He screeched past me continuing his sign language. I still don't know what I did to provoke him. Perhaps I took too long being courteous to the other drivers, I really don't know.

However, the ill mannered, substandardly educated young man-person was not my concern. The battered looking young lady sitting in the passenger seat being forced to witness this display of primal revenge stuck in my head. She looked beaten, lifeless, unaffected. Her reaction indicated that the behavior was neither new, unfamiliar or entirely unacceptable.

It shocked me. I don't know why. I mean it's not like I live in a bubble. I live in South Africa's crime capital. I have seen and read the worst of human behavior. I guess it just reminded me that bad things, evil if you will and bad people are still there. There are still people acting out in pain and anger in ways less proper. There are still young girls falling for men of this nature setting themselves and their unfortunate children up for years of distress, abuse, emptiness, disappointment, lies and hardship.

Or...maybe the fucker just had a really bad day.

Ghost of Christmas passed

2011-07-25T23:32:00.000-07:00

It really hits me sometimes how quickly time passes. It's scary, yet comforting. There is so much I would still like to do and see in my life, yet life keeps interferring.
I have been sick with the flu for almost a week and I am realizing that I am not 20 anymore. It really knocked me out this year. I will have to start taking better care of myself physically.
We went to Bloemfontein to visit my father in law over the weekend. It really shook me up. Having to deal with an active alcoholic on a daily basis again after months of not dealing with any alcoholic behavior had an unexpected taxing effect. I felt so drained. And I was petrified. Maybe the fact that he pretended not to drink - but was obviously sloshed by 5 is what got me the most. Alcoholics are really stupid - seriously - thinking no one will notice. That's just insane! I never drank secretly or hid alcohol, but my husband did. The deception really got me the most. But I suppose I did some stupid things myself back in the day. I was just so scared that everything my husband and I had built up, would be torn down because of familiarity.
I'm just happy to be home.
I attended a meeting again for the first time in weeks. I really shouldn't stay away so long. I really needed the meeting and we had a very fitting discussion about resentment.
My cat has disappeared. I am praying she'll show up some time today. I really love that cat.

Good trade

2011-07-14T06:34:00.001-07:00

THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old Woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said,
'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.'

Climbing my mountain

2011-07-13T03:06:00.000-07:00

Staying sober has not been easy. This is the longest sober run I have ever had. I've started neglecting meetings and I am beginning to feel the strain. My husband and I have been systematically working through our issues and it's not always easy. I still get angry allot. I'm not always sure if I am angry at him or at myself for wasting so much time before drawing the line. I realise I only have the 'now' and I have to make the most of it.

My sponsor emailed me a wonderful piece about continuing to change. It really hit a nerve. When you reach a place you have been struggling for years to get to, it is human nature to want to say - I've made it, change done. But there is always room for improvement. After the ordeal with my husband and setting myself free of responsibility for him I have had allot of time for introspection. I was procrastinating (stuck) in my own life. I had stopped climbing my mountain to keep him from falling down his. I resigned from my current job and I am starting at a smaller company 4km from home in September. My confidence has risen and I am excited. But I have noticed lately that guilt has been hampering me again. Guilt over not spending enough time with my husband, not being intimate enough, not doing this, doing too much of that etc. And its amazing how fast you lose focus and I got depressed. I have been struggling to get out of my hole for 2 weeks now.

My feud with my sister, or well, her feud with me, shook me back to life. I am so tired of that kind of behavior having had to deal with it for 10 years. I am not jumping off that ledge again. And here is where Koos's mail made the biggest impact: There is a board on Everest with the words "He died while he was climbing". I will keep climbing this emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical mountain, I will make progress...or die trying.

Sibling rivalry

2011-07-11T23:04:00.000-07:00

For the life of me I don't think my baby sister and I will EVER get along. And I don't get it. She hates me with such absolute coldness and passion that she had become in-penetrable. Some history:

Mys sister is 3 years younger than me. She had been full of resentment and hate for our family since she was 12. Life with her was a roller coaster of drinking, drugs, psychological disorders, suicide attempts and never ending feuds. She always had some or other war running with someone. Still has. She does something wrong - and by wrong I really mean wrong - and if you try to point out to her that maybe that was not the most moral thing to do - you get the next fued.

One thing that has been a constant in my sisters life is - if she needs you, she will make you believe she has changed, she gets along with you, hell, sometimes I even start believing she loves me. And then it starts. She milks you dry. Emotionally, physically and of course financially. Then she moves on. And this is the part where I crack, because she literally chews you up and spits you out.

It was easy to deal with this behavior when I did not recognize it. When I couldn't call a spade a spade. I know I have judged her terribly in the past and I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Especially now that I am sober. But I have now finally decided that my sister needs to go on the "people I do not need in my life ever" - list. Some relationships just cannot work. Even if you are siblings. This is one of them.

I don't get why she screws up and I end up feeling bad? This happens every single time.

Anyway, enough bitching. That's done.

Unfinished business

2011-06-30T02:52:00.000-07:00

I feel troubled today. I don't know. Just got that "something isn't right" feeling at the pit of my stomach. I can't imagine why. I have pondered every single possible cause and come up with nothing. I can't focus at work because I still need to finalize my contract with the new place. I really have trust issues.

For the most part I am fine though. Winter and my ruined garden is really getting me down, but he rat issue in the chicken coop seem to be sorted. That helps. It really freaked me out. I've been knitting my head off. It really makes me feel better. I guess it's because it is something I can actually complete. The bathroom renovation has been stagnating for weeks now. My husband says we should get a contractor to finish up - but that seems to be impossible. So I've been staring at my stripped bathroom walls for eternity. I hate unfinished things.

We are visiting my father in law in Bloem this weekend - so looking forward to freezing my but off. NOT. But it will be nice to see him again. Been some time. My dad is also coming home from Malawi for a visit. Missed him.

Just really actually want this week to end.

My latest knitting project completed!

90 Days and counting...

2011-06-28T00:38:00.000-07:00

I stopped counting my sober days months back. On previous attempts I felt so much pressure and lived in the future too much, forgetting to take it one day at a time. Now I am at 90 days. I feel blessed, I feel lucky that I am making a difference in my own life and I am proud of myself for sticking it out.
My husband has now been sober for almost 2 months. Some days he looks very unhappy and deep in thought. I sometimes wonder if he will ever find his inner peace. Forgiving yourself for your past wrongs is one of the hardest things to do once you sober up. But I know, one day at a time you create a new you that makes you so proud you cannot comprehend that you where actually the drunkard behind those horrific acts that haunt you so. It becomes like scenes from a movie. Something someone else did that horrifies you to the point of staying sober at all cost. Well at least that is how it is for me.

As the Big Book says: ""We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."

Today I am greatfull that I am sober.
I am grateful for patience.
I am grateful that I have my family.

I am grateful for warm clothes and a cozy house.

I am grateful for my dog, my cat, chickens and my ducks.

I am grateful for my ability to learn.

I am grateful for the privilage of being a mother.

I am grateful that I have a job that I am good at.

I am grateful for the selfless souls of AA and Alanon.

I am grateful that my sisters are closeby.

I am grateful for a second chance at my marriage.

I am grateful that I am alive.

Courage does not always Roar

2011-06-27T04:53:00.000-07:00

Courage does not always roar
by Bobi Seredich

When life gets you down and the problems you face
are certainly more than your share..
When you run out of strength and you want to give up
because it's just too much to bear...

I want to remind you, my precious friend,
that you have what it takes inside...
extraordinary courage that may not ROAR
but it doesn't cower and hide.

It's the quiet voice inside you that says,
"Tomorrow I'll try again."
It's the courage to keep on going...
to see things through to the end.

You are not defined by this moment in time,
You are not what has happened to you.
It's the way that you choose to respond that matters
and what you decide to do.

Courage is not the absence of fear,
but a powerful choice we make.
It's the choice to move forward with a PURPOSE and joy,
regardless of what it takes.

It's the courage that's found in ordinary people
who are HEROES in their own way...
exhibiting strength and fortitude
in life's challenges every day...

Valiant people of exceptional courage
with enduring power to cope...
taking each problem one day at a time
and never giving up HOPE.

These brave hearted people have great resilience
and they lift each other as well...
bonded by a common understanding
each with a story to tell.

As honesty stands...

2011-06-23T03:46:00.000-07:00

I came across a blog of an alcoholics wife while trying to figure out exactly how I currently feel about my husband. He is sober and everything I have been praying for has finally happened. Yet, I find it hard to believe, mostly because I am still very angry.

This lady describes "WHY?" perfectly. "tiredwife" - I get you. Hope ya don't mind the quote:

I already hit publish, but you know what? I’m not done. I promised honesty, so lets go all the way. I hate him as much as I love him. I hate him for being weak. I hate him for putting me and our children through this. I hate him when he’s drunk and I hate him for the uncertainty. I hate him for getting my hopes up and then dashing them to the ground. I hate that I brag about him not drinking and that I’m proud of him and then he makes an ass out of himself. I hate him for ruining holidays and special days with his drinking. I hate him (and myself) for being so fixated on it that I allow it to over run all of my waking thoughts. I hate him for ruining the person I once was, before I got involved with an alcoholic. I was full of hope. I laughed, I was carefree. I didn’t have to worry about my home burning down because of a forgotten cigarette. I didn’t have to worry about how my kids are going to grow up. I didn’t have to tip toe around until I ascertained what mood someone was in. I was happy damn it. I was a 16 year old girl who got in over her head. 11 years later I am a bitter, pissed off 27 year old who is still in over her head. I’ve had to deal with suicide attempts. I’ve sat up all night listening to him breathe because I’m scared he’s poisoned himself with alcohol. I’ve poured out bottles, cried, cursed and turned into a harpy. I’ve watched him embarrass himself in front of friends and family. I’ve made excuses and cleaned up messes. I’ve ignored the issues, addressed the issues, delivered ultimatums and bared my heart. And he still drinks. And I hate him for it.

Now imagined dealing with ALL of that AND staying sober yourself...?

Support and other things to get used to

2011-06-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

So I have finally admitted that I do need other people. Not only because of my dependency issues, but also because of my co-dependency issues. I'm making use of the support I get and I'm not feeling guilty anymore when I have to ask for help. I have set healthy boundaries and I do not shy away from telling others when they are crossing over them.

I'm getting used to being able to decide to have a good day. That I have some say in the happiness matter. I'm exercising, getting enough sleep, practicing my hobbies and have found some calm and balance.

Balance - now that is a strange thing to achieve (oh and by the way it's possible though fleeting - imagine that). Then off course I woke up this morning and I felt like drinking. I didn't even drink in the mornings on my worst days! Anyway, the day just sort of went downhill from there. So I've decided to take a leap - to the other side of the scale...no way this scale is tipping to the bad side. I've finally got it going on.

I sure can get use to being happy just because I am. Not because someone did something, or I got something or something happened. I just am, because I want to be. It's addictive :-)

So thanks all the people out there on www.intherooms.com and www.dailystrength.org. I felt very lonely, but your support got me through it. ((((Burning Desire = OFF))))

The KNOTS Prayer

2011-06-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
Please untie the knots that are in my mind, my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots, the can nots, and the do nots that I have in my mind.
Erase the will nots, may nots, might nots that may find a home in my heart.
Release me from the could nots, would nots and should nots that obstruct my life.
And most of all, Dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart and my life all of the 'am nots' that I have allowed to hold me back, especially the thought that I am not good enough.
Amen

Feeling Alive

2011-06-20T02:13:00.000-07:00

It was with absolute surprise that I noted today that I have almost been sober for 85 days. Now, for most people that really is a drop in the bucket - and really it is - but it has been 85 really hard days despite which I am still sober. That's the great part. In the past I would have given up or excused myself a long time ago. This time round I haven't needed to. And finally my husband (sober or not) has absolutely no impact on my sobriety. I have actually crossed that bridge. Not necessarily unscathed, but still, I am ALIVE and most importantly - SOBER.

I have allowed my soul to grow. I now look at experiences (good or bad) as just part of the teachings of life. Things happen. Sometimes repeatedly. Sometimes in greater magnitude than we can ever imagine ourselves coping with. Sometimes they happen in the form of silly little have-to-be-dealt-with issues more annoying that terrifying. Fact is - life happens. You either learn from it and allow your soul to grow, or you suffer. Your choice.

My latest have-to-be-dealt-with issue is a rat in my chicken coop. Can you imagine? It actually chews on my chickens while they are asleep. It's like it's saving some for later. It's disturbing. More disturbing is that I know some people who are like that. Still don't know what I'm going to do because poison is no option. I'm too scared one of my other pets might get hold of it and die accidentally. So I'll probably have to catch the little scavenger.

My sister dragged me out of bed at 5am this morning to go walking - power walking, not insane lets stroll while it's dark walking, no, insane marching like crazy people to fight the flab. I really hope it works. Once you're all warmed up it's kinda fun, but getting your over sized but out of bed at 5, well fun is not quite the word I'd use.

I went to the interview on Wednesday and what was supposed to be an informal "let's chat about it", turned into a full blown interview. I only got home past six-thirty. Things are really looking positive and I have made up my mind - pending their accepting of my salary requirements. So today its all about not trying to control, accepting, being grateful and really living. On the edge mostly - and finally not because I'm being pushed over it, but because I love the rush!

It's the little things that count

2011-06-15T02:12:00.000-07:00

I have been extremely busy at work. To the extend that I have to keep reminding myself of my favorite Helen Keller: "I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do."
I have applied this little verse to so many areas of my life. Right now it's helpful in stopping me from standing - back against the wall - terror stricken by the growing amount of work on my desk. Somewhere between being employed in 2007 to the current time I have managed to move from screwdriver yielding techie to project managing "your on your own". I'm not quite sure how that happened. I'm not quite sure I'm all that happy with it.
I saved a little brain dead task for today. Just to remind me where I came from. How much pleasure and peace there is in completing simple, yet important tasks. How to do even the mundane well. I seem to have forgotten that every little thing counts. I have become so swamped that I hardly sit back and still take pride in what I do. Plus I am sick of all the unavoidable paperwork.

Perhaps being offered a job with one of my suppliers had something to do with getting me to regroup. I have always secretly wondered what it would be like to work at this particular company. Tonight I am going to find out. So perhaps some serious moves in the near future.

On the home front there is calm and co-operation. Feeling-wise I'm still on one day at a time. Thanking God constantly for small favours and appreciating the things that do go right. I am praying very hard for my husbands recovery. When he is sober it's always so encouraging and uplifting to see the person he is when he is sober. He really is a wonderful man. It's hard to reconcile the man I live with now with what he becomes when he's drinking. I am hopeful I suppose that this time it will last. Alas, no guarantees.

I am still sober. Strangely it has posed very little challenge - so far - this time. I was forced into severe mental and emotional research with my current situation and got a firm hold of myself again. I will not behave unacceptably nor will I accept unacceptable behavior from others. There are some things you just cannot change. I've started knitting again and I am building a 1000 piece puzzle. It's strange how these little hobbies keep me calm an patient. I have to keep reminding myself that Rome wasn't built in a day.

And my daughter is so so much happier.

Small favors, big impacts. Thank you God.

Below a little piece that got me through the week:

Being A Contender

Today I am a contender. Whatever the outcome of this race, I have shown that I have what it takes to be a winner. No matter what happens around me, I will use the noise, the chaos, the tension to spur me on into greater aspects of myself. Neck and neck for me is just a barometer of what's out there, triggering in me the excitement for movement, for risking and reaching. Today I will experience the vitality that issues from the one, the energy that is living, the wonders of the race. I am here and it is enough. It's good to be alive. It's good to be a contender.

I am already a winner.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never seek to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.
John Donne

Boundaries and limitiations

2011-06-02T00:47:00.000-07:00

I have realised a long time ago that I am incapable of setting boundaries. I allow people to abuse me. I allow people to use me to a point where I loose myself.

Recently I started practising setting appropriate boundaries with newcomers to my life. That is fairly easy. The problems start when you have to move old cemented boundaries to widen your space. Or when you have to entrench certain boundaries that people keep crossing. Then its Hiroshima, headbutting, name calling and in some cases complete loss of relationship rendering the boundary obsolete. But I have realised that setting boundaries does not necesarily involve negotiation.

Which ever way, I am systematically covering my bases. I am creating a safe acceptable space around myself to breath, relax and be good to myself as well as others. I am only human. I am not perfect - although I did give it a bloody good shot :-)

I get more and more happy and comfortable in my own skin. I don't beat myself up about my limitations or incapability anymore. I am who I am. And I am really not that bad.

I will keep chiseling away and plastering up. I don't think we are ever done. Life really is not that bad. Depends on the decision mostly. It's a happy thought to know I get to influence my day - even just one bit.

Hurricane season - the eye of the storm

2011-05-30T03:10:00.000-07:00

So it's been chaos. After posting last week I asked my husband to leave. I didn't really care where he went. I simply could not get myself to do the "let's pretend thing". He left.
I had for all intensive purposes asked him to please just leave me ALONE - just for 2 weeks. Just so I could calm down, think things through and maybe find some forgiveness, inner peace. He didn't. The pleading, emotional and verbal abuse and the nagging (really don't think you can call it anything else) did not stop.
I went to Barberton this weekend and it was a really good weekend. Except of course for my husband phoning........
Then of course guess who awaits me at home? No come on guess? Seriously you can't guess? Let me give you a hint. It's a deaf man, who can't see beyond himself and his own pathetic earthly needs. Still don't get it? OK fine, it was my husband.
He now occupies the guest room. He is determined to within the next 21 days prove to me that he has miraculously changed into a perfect being. On asking why 21 days - he replied it seemed like a good number. Now seriously - is it just me? Or does anyone else find this...I don't know, somewhat off? He attempted to anoint me and my daughter last night. I stopped him because I believe that he has no idea what he is doing messing around in the spiritual world on that level, pretending to do God's will. Just so you know Pete - I read my Bible, unfortunately the "end of time" does not provide a particularly immediate solution to my severe situation.
I can understand why women and children are murdered by fathers and husbands and boyfriends. They don't have the law to help them - I mean like a piece of paper is really going to stop him from coming near you. They really get hammered by their families who cannot understand why they don't just do something. I have done plenty of things - none of them worked. Plus I can't just leave, I have to consider my daughter in all this as well.
Today I find myself in the eye of this storm. I see the crazy blizzard of friends, family, my husband and colleagues with all their best intentions, motives and opinions flying by. And I don't care. I don't. I hate the subject, I hate being forced to decide. I hate the fact that I have no control over any of this. I hate the fact that I am so numb with fear that I believe I have no options. I am angry. I am sad. And I know the next step forward will be out of the eye - and straight into hurricane season. Perhaps I'll hang around here for just a bit longer. I need to get my strength up. The time for being nice have now officially passed.

Will it ever end

2011-05-23T03:41:00.000-07:00

After 2 weeks of the usual agonising hell when I try to get my husband to leave me alone, I am now staying with him in our family home again. Before you sigh - here a the reasons.

He guilt's me about my daughter constantly. This wears me down to a level I cannot explain.

He was kicked out by the friend he stayed with because of a money issue. Understand that I knew from the get go that my husband couldn't possibly rely on that man's help long term - since he drinks brandy and coke from a draft glass. He buys his alcohol in bulk and rarely buys groceries. He is in his forties and his mother still bails him out every time he wrecks a car etc etc. I was hoping that my husband would start looking for a permanent solution while in the interim staying there - apparently not. He was just waiting for me to crack, which now subsequently happened.

So after staying with my sister for the weekend - completely disrupting my tranquil weekend plans, spending valuable time begging him on the phone to actually THINK and make other arrangements - ask his father, anything!, I realised I will not win. I couldn't stay on at my sisters because our youngest sister is staying there and she does not really want me there - made it abundantly clear as well, and I really don't want to cause my older sister any grief. I looked forward to her moving back to SA so much and now all of this.

So at the end of an exhausting weekend I am back home. With him. Either keeping quiet or pretending all is well. What else can I do? If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I am too tired to think. Right now I want to close my eyes and just die.

How can one person be so self absorbed? So disturbed? So mean and cruel that he could try to force the love and respect of someone else by emotionally, verbally and physically torturing them into submission? I love him, but I hate him. Just haven't figured out which is the most. O God I need this to end.

On top of this, my mother has now decided to make things worse. she believes for him - but she has no idea how much of it I will have to bear. Plus I have to go see her and my father this weekend for his birthday.

I think I should just get divorced. No discussing it. No explaining. No nothing. I should just turn around and leave. And never look back. Trying to do this the amicable way has just not worked out for me. I don't even know where to start anymore.

Adjusting

2011-05-19T05:40:00.000-07:00

So it's official. My husband and I are temporarily separated. We are living apart while he is undergoing treatment of all sorts, attending meetings and generally sorting out his messed up life.
But that's all his business.

Now here I am. Stuck in the silence. Some days it feels so good that I want to stay right here where I am and bathe in the peacefulness and chaos-lessness that has suddenly become an everyday occurrence. I want to drink in my me time. My watch stops ticking in the friendly silence. It's bliss.

Other days, like today, the silence is disturbed by echos of the past. The have not's, why not's, should haves and refusals of 10 years of anarchy. I hate these days. They are quiet enough to fool you. The whispers barely audible. But its there. The voices. The self-doubt, guilt, insecurity. I woke up this morning and I just felt cheated and irretated. Angry as hell.

Don't get me wrong. I know what I did was the very best thing for me and my husband. I'm just not always so sure about my daughter. She's 4 and I'm sure she'll be fine. At least she won't have to deal with the dissapointments of active alcoholic parents for the rest of her life. She actually has a chance to have anormal life. My decision has everything to do with it.

Yesterday she told me she had dreamt that she lost her dad. I woke up this morning and wondered, what if we really did? What if temprary becomes permanent? What if I never trust my husband again? What if he doesn't change?

I am so incredibly greatful today that I don't have to answer even a single one of any of the questions spinning through my head today. I only have to deal with what's relevant today. And that is not alot.

I am going to go home to peace and quit. Undevided time and attention for my daughter. I am going to cook dinner and lavish the food with love. I will walk the dog and feed the chickens. I will enjoy my bath and I will have tea in my favourite spot. I will go to bed early, read my inspirations and sleep soundly. For I am in Gods hands. The only reason it hurts is because He is making some adjustments.

Living today

2011-05-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

Its Monday again and I am really looking forward to the week ahead. I took some time yesterday to just calm down from the chaos of separation, my family and all the other "need to be dones". I spent a quiet morning in my garden, fixing the fountain and cleaning the chicken coop. I had tea in my peace garden and spoke to God.

I know what I am expected to do. It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it.
I gave God all the negative feelings that I am feeling. Anger, resentment, abandonment, disappointment, not feeling loved, feeling used and cheated. I feel lighter today and I know it will get better. My happiness does not depend on a person, but in God I will find peace, love and happiness.

My life has changed so much in the last 3 years since finding AA and now Alanon. I have so much already to be thankful for. I will count my blessings today and thank God for never leaving my side and for being here at the beginning of a new phase in my journey. Looking back is a good reflection, but I just want to deal with today. I will live today to the best of my ability. If I cannot help, I will not harm. I will attend to issues as they arise. I will love unconditionally. I will trust God, smile and I stay sober.

Just today.

Lewe

2011-05-11T01:05:00.000-07:00

'n Mens sou dink na jare se teleurstellings en vals hoop dat wanneer die dag aanbreek wat alles tot 'n punt kom, die hoof emosie verligting sou wees. Dit is nie. My hart is so seer ek kan skaars asemhaal. My oe brand soos kole vuur vanmore en ek lyk soos 'n slagoffer van huismoles soos ek getjank het. My diafragma is in hel soos ek geruk en snik het. Hartseer is nie 'n emosie nie, dis regtig 'n fisiese pyn. Ek voel of ek op die randtjie van major cardiac arrest staan.

Wanneer gaan dit verby wees? Hierdie diep telerustelling wat my so lamgele het? Hoe staan mens op en vertrou die wereld weer met jou siel? Waar ek vandag staan met my rug teen die muur en my arms in die lug kan ek nie sien dat die son weer sal skyn nie. Hoe kan alkohol mens se lewe so verwoes? Hoe kan dit so 'n houvas op jou lewe kry dat jy alles en almal wat saak maak sal vertrap vir 'n high? Ek was so seker dinge is beter, soooo deksels seker. En nou staan ek met lee hande en 'n pap gedrukte hart en wonder hoekom. Hoekom ek? Hoekom nou? Hoekom weer?

Ek is so dankbaar vir Alanon vandag. Dat ek geleer het ek kan bid: "Here, genoeg." Dat ek geleer het dis nie my skuld nie. Dat ek weet dat ek my man vir God kan gee. Dat ek myself vir God kan gee. Dat ek my kind, vir God kan gee. Dat ten spyte van hoe dit voel ek die regte ding doen: "The kindest thing you can do is to be unkind." Ek is so dankbaar dat ek vandag nugter is. Dat die chaos verby is en dat ek nie meer onaanvaarbare gedrag hoef te aanvaar nie.

Ek het gekies om te lewe, niemand het gese dit gaan maklik wees nie, en eerlikwaar, as ek een groooot hartseer (van verbygaande aard) moet verduur om 'n einde te maak aan 'n dekade lange konstante hartseer, huil ek my vandag met blydskap pap.

Problem found between screen and chair

2011-05-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

I have had to deal with my husband lying to me on many occasions. I can identify a justification fable from miles away. I use to listen to him repeating the same made up story, carefully trying not to mix up the made up facts. Repeating it and repeating it and repeating it as if that would eventually make it believable. Perhaps so that he can remember it on a later occasion..? This would infuriate me because really - do I look like you need to repeat things to me 10 times? But I have also learned to listen very carefully. A web of lies usually has some missing stitches. And if I listen long enough I can see the holes in the story. I always know when my husband is lying. I am myself after all, a very good teller of lies. Shouldn't I be able to identify one?

Anyway, here's the gripe.

Yesterday was mother’s day. My sister and I took our mother to an afternoon high tea. Smashing! This of course called the need for our husbands to watch the kids. When my husband came to pick me up, he reeked of alcohol. When I confronted him he immediately started making excuses like "when was I supposed to have the time to drink?" What BS. He also did the "I'm so shocked that you would think that" - face. Then eventually came the story he had drank a sachet (or no, it was two sachets) of Bioplus. On a previous occasion he had used mouth wash as an excuse (this is now banned) and obviously brought up the preservative in the flu meds I give him...

I couldn't do it. The 3 hour marathon “I didn’t do it”. Because you see, the previous weekend we went to wedding - where he did drink because he felt morally obligated. The next day he bought non-alcoholic beer because he felt like the taste of beer.

I can't help wondering today exactly how long I am going to suffer this - because really it is suffering. Things have been going so well. I was once again duped into believing that change is an actual possibility if not genuine reality.

Now, I'm just wondering if anyone has some ideas on how I can remove the words "Gullible, Stupid, Idiot" that is obviously written in BOLD in my forehead......

Life's a party

2011-05-05T23:50:00.000-07:00

Thinking about all that has transpired it's hard to believe it's been only two weeks since I last blogged.

I shared at my home group on 18 April and I felt stupid. Don't know why. I don't really like hearing my own story anymore. Having been in and out of AA and sobriety I think the whole yo-yo thing makes me sick. I don't even always believe my own story. Why should anyone else? Perhaps what gets to me is the complexity of it all. When I start talking about my life, all the drunks in it and the mess left behind I feel suffocated and cheated. And that makes me a little angry and resentful. Why could my life not just be a little easier?

My husband and I when for our counseling session and had somewhat of a breakthrough. The feeling of relief and enthusiasm didn't last very long. Now I am trying to keep the momentum, but life keeps getting in the way. Plus I have suffered another disappointment or two. I know disappointment is part of life, but I have lost any and all capability to deal with my husband disappointing me. I automatically go into shutdown mode and then it feels like it takes forever to cold start my hart again. Periodically I allow myself to believe that things can be different and then daydream about how life would be when all this is behind us. Reality always pulls me to a grinding halt of realization that this is it. This is my life and most of it's my fault anyway.

It's been great having my sister around. Things have really changed. We've gotten old-ish. There's the husbands and the children. The washing and cooking. No more tequila shots till 2 in the morning and covering for each other with mom. We've really grown up and I kind of like it. I like the new dynamic of our relationship. It feels more real.

On the sobriety side - yes, I am still sober. And happy about it. I'm really mastering the one day at a time thing. I don't worry about not drinking so much anymore. The urge has left and I stopped counting. Being honest with myself and others really helps. I became so sick and tired of myself that I really have a zero tolerance for my own bullshit. That really helps. I am a bit concerned about my relationship with God though. I'm a littel angry. I'm sure it will get better. Just temporarily lost my peace.

My mom is coming tomorrow. Looking forward to surprise her on mother's day. I also have a childrens party to attend. Eventfull weekend.

Awesomeness

2011-04-19T05:28:00.000-07:00

No really..it's Monday

2011-04-18T01:20:00.000-07:00

So the weekend is over. Again. It was unnaturally cold and rainy for this time of the year in the highveld. Plus, we are not exactly used to mist, drizzle and dullness. Usually rain is synonym with electric sparks and thunderous row. Not his weekend. It was London - the SA way. And it sucked. Plus - we are upgrading our TV and the time transition between the old one leaving and the new one arriving was well, severely misjudged. Hence no TV. This is probably a good thing, because I did some serious napping and even more serious reading, which all lead to amazing relaxing.
But still, it's Monday. It always eventually becomes Monday. And on this one we have our "together" counseling session and tonight I have to share. Think I'm gonna have some more coffee to emotionally brace myself.

The Indigo Soul

2011-04-15T03:25:00.000-07:00

On Monday I have to share my story at my home meeting. I have shared on one or two occasions, both times at a different place in my sobriety. Often not as honest as I maybe would have like to be. I have struggled to sty sober. Talking is not always the best medicine for me, but in writing I find perspective and an ability to be honest. Writing to me is evidence of my evolution.

So today I want to have ago at it. My story as it stands today.

I grew up in a loving christian home. Hardworking, strict father and a stay at home mom who lavished us with attention. We did not see our dad often during the week, but my mom was around all the time. She pushed us, beyond our limits sometimes, to always be the best. She defended us in public and called us to order in private. I remember being scared of my dad and a deep desire to please him.

Growing up was happy days. I was clever and performed well in sports. I did not have a lot of friends, but did manage to gather a handful of priceless ones I can thankfully still name amongst my friends today.
I had to all accounts a happy childhood.

On reaching my teens things started going pear shaped. My mother changed, my father was invisible and money was tight. We where sent of to boarding school and I hated every second of it. I started living a double life. Deputy head girl, Best Athlete, First Team netball player since grade 9, Top 20 Academic performance during the week, promiscuous rebel during the weekend. I was on face value any parents dream. But on weekends at home away from the rules and regulations of school I had boyfriends that where too old, I had sex with anything that paid attention and I mostly drank to forget. I wanted to be cool. Accepted. Mostly I just wanted to avoid my very sad mother and my heavily drinking angry father.

We moved to the Freestate just before my first year of study. Studying engineering meant mostly men in all my classes (the one or two girls sex was questionable). Getting accepted this time was easy, drink like a man. My academic ability also made me a valuable ally before exams after binge drinking most of the semester. So, yes, my behaviour was largely acceptable and encouraged.

During this time my parents divorced and all the hell that came with it. My father is an alcoholic. I don't remember my mother ever warning me about my behaviour. Today I realise she was too busy with her primary alkie to pay too much attention to what I was doing. Plus she trusted me and the upbringing she gave me enough to probably hope it will blow over.

Then in final year I met my husband. A heavy drinker. The first couple of years just blurred by. We got married and did all the happy family things. Celebrating life to death. His father is also a heavy drinker.

Live slurred and blurred by. My daughter was born and shortly after her 1st birthday it started dawning on me that I could not live the way I was living. I prayed to God for a solution and I knew I had to stop drinking.
My mother asking me politely over the phone if I would not consider to quit drink probably also had something to do with it.

Me being sober caused huge problems for my marriage and it would take 3 years to finally reach the point I am at now.

Sober, regardless.

I once asked God why, if I grew up in such a home, did I have to be and alcoholic and to make matters worse marry one that came from one? Is there for me only life and death in alcohol? God made it abundantly clear that He had chosen me.

For what I had no idea. Recently I discovered that I am an Indigo Soul. My main purpose for living is to educate and bring upon change. I realise that to be a good teacher you need to teach from experience. You need to believe in what you teach. You should not be the solution, but lead by example.

These are hard things for me to understand, nevermind accept, but I know today, that in sobriety I find the key to what God intended with my life. To make things better for others, by bettering myself.
My father has decided to stop drinking during my quest for sobriety and thankfully my husband is sober - today.
I have no primary goal to change the world, but if my staying sober impacts on others while helping me finally fit in, then I know I am in the right place.
I wasn't born to stay on the hamster wheel. I was born to open the cage door.

From Koos

2011-04-15T02:50:00.000-07:00

Hi Sanna

Ek sien jy gebruik metafore...die twee karre en olie.

Let me change to English...for the sake of our Fellow Friend - Ricon.

You use metaphors like the cars and oil. You are a smoker and buy your brand at different places/shops/supermarkets etc.

You also say in today's blog that if a project at your work does not work it get stopped - period.

Should you go to the same shop daily and buy your smokes/favourite brand and do not get what you want for 3 consecutive days, what will you do?. Speak nicely to the manager/owner to stock your brand because you are his client and not only buy your smokes there but also the daily needs like bread, newspaper, milk, sweats etc etc. If this man/lady does not adhere to your request after the 3rd time, what do you do - go and buy somewhere else. He/she loses not only you as a client for smokes but the rest as well. You lost faith in the person - make a decision and move on - period.

You might have lost faith in that specific shop owner - but you did not loose faith in the manufactures of your brand... you can still buy at another shop.

Margret Thatcher once said..." If you want something done, give it to a busy women."... Koos once said.." If you are to busy to go to AA meetings, you are to busy."

Have a little faith Sannie, Have a little faith !! Shout it out !!

Easy does - Have you decided and believe it that YOU are worth it.

Blessings - K

When God Speaks

2011-04-13T22:52:00.000-07:00

So here is what happened yesterday...

I had decided that I had now given up on my situation. On me ever staying sober, my marriage ever working out. I had given up on God and stopped believing in His willingness and ability to change my situation.

Then the answer came. In the form of a friend from Al-Anon (yes, I have to go there as well having been surrounded by drunks my whole life). She advised I stick to my priorities in the correct order:

1. My own sobriety
2. My daughter
2. and only then my marriage

and keep praying to my Higher Power, listen and do what I am told.

On getting home I read from my Daily reflections (AA) and Hope for Today (Al-Anon ) and forgive me for reproducing or publishing AA literature, but I have to post these today.

Hope for Today 13 April

Before I came to Al-Anon , my attitudes were based of fear. I cast all my doubts and feelings of unworthiness onto other people. I set myself up as a victim. I always acted upon my anxiety, form of blaming, running, freezing. When I blamed others, I didn't have to feel my deep sense of shame. I ran because facing my fear and hurt seemed too difficult. I froze because frozen hearts cannot feel pain.
Al-Anon has given me a fresh way to view my life. I no longer choose to be a victim. Now I choose to take responsibility for my actions. I choose how I act, how I think, and how I feel about any situation that arises. I can choose fear, or I can choose love. Fear keeps me shut off and unhealed. Love opens me up and heals me. Today I choose love.
Choosing love means I stay away from physically, emotionally, or spiritually unhealthy situations. I no longer accept unacceptable behaviour. I love myself and care about myself enough to walk away from hurtful people and relationships. I look at my part in situations, own my mistakes, and change my behaviour. Choosing love means I accept and embrace my humanity and that of others. Then, with my Higher Power's help, I can see defects and weaknesses with compassion, which brings me release, joy and serenity.

Daily Reflections 13 April
The false comfort of self-pity

Self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects that we know. It is a bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of it's inordinate demands for attention and sympathy. It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can ill afford. (As Bill sees it, p.23)

The false comfort of self-pity screens me from reality only momentarily and then demands, like a drug, that I take an even bigger dose. If I succumb to this it could lead to a relapse into drinking. What can I do? One certain antidote is to turn my attention, however slightly at first, toward others who are genuinely less fortunate than I, preferably other alcoholics. In the same degree that I actively demonstrate my empathy with them, I will lessen my own exaggerated suffering.

Wow, turns out it had nothing to do with God's willingness or ability. Well I never...

Have a blessed sober day.

The dedicated drinker...

2011-04-13T06:18:00.001-07:00

As mens jou geloof verloor

2011-04-12T23:39:00.000-07:00

Hebreers 11:1 Om te glo is om seker te wees van die dinge wat ons hoop, om oortuig te wees van die dinge wat ons nie sien nie.

Dis fantasties. Want dan, per definisie, is ek my geloof kwyt. Hoop. Ja daai vier letter woordtjie wat my al soveel keer teleurgesteld gelaat het. Ek het seker hoop en geloof verloor. Hoe hoop mens vir iets wat jy nie meer sal herken as dit gebeur nie? Hoe is mens seker van iets waarop jy nie kan hoop nie?

Eintlik is dit nie 'n geloofsaak of 'n hoop-issue nie, dis 'n tyd vraag. Hoe lank nog? In my werk as 'n projek nie gaan lewer wat verwag word nie, word dit gestop. As mens deur jou lys van eksperimente is en die produk voldoen nie aan die vereistes nie - koop jy dit nie weer nie. Hoe dan gemaak in hierdie lewe? Hoe lank is die proses van verandering, verbetering, vergifnis en verdraagsaamheid voor dat 'n mens mag se: "Dit is nou genoeg"? Hoe kan 'n liefdevolle God verwag dat een mens so bitter seer moet aanhou kry as gevolg van 'n ander se onwilligheid on die realiteit van die saak te sien? Mooi woorde, lee beloftes en al die frustrasie wat saam met kom, dit gaan alles ook net so ver.

Ek wil nie meer hoor, hoop en glo alles gaan verander nie. ek wil he dit moet verander. Ek wil he dit moet ophou. ek wil vir 'n verandering sien dit verander. En nie net die oppervlakkige dingetjies nie.

Ek is vandag so gatvol ek kan skree.

En o ja, the moral of the storie....leer jou les die eerste keer. Die lewe is nie 'n dekselse kleedrepitisie nie.

The Workshop

2011-04-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

There are two cars parked in a workshop. Both have a huge dependency on oil. They are both drivable, but constantly have to stop at fuel stations to top up oil. This is costly in time, money and energy. A fairly simple leisurely trip to their favourite holiday stopping point, had now become a tiresome hassle.
So the first car realizes it needs to have it's rings replaced. It's a long process, it hurts and it's very uncomfortable, not to mention messy. But once it's done the little car is no longer dependent on oil to complete it's journey. It's eager to get out of the dirty, smelly workshop and on tho the road into the fresh air. It wants to reach the place where it will be able to stop and enjoy peace.
The second car also realizes it needs its rings to be replaced. But he doesn't really want to go through the hassle. He keeps asking the unprofessional mechanic to just top up the oil it used. It wants to continue on its journey immediately and does not want to wait to be fully repaired. He does not want to take the time.
The two cars continue on their journey, the second constantly forcing the first to stop and wait for it to top up oil.
Finally they both return to the workshop. While the second car now starts to realize he will have to take the time to be properly fixed, the first car wait impatiently, already backed out of the workshop half way.
It's tired of being held back. Tired of the polluted environment. It wants to be free of it's travelling companion.
The second car now realizes it should have had it's rings fixed as soon as he realized they where worn. He is now filled with regret, for the first car is speeding down the high way, to freedom and it's too late to catch up.

Stay tuned for the moral of the story....

The last LAST chance

2011-04-11T02:29:00.000-07:00

So here I am, back from a week with the family, almost 2 weeks since I last blog. I turned 31, feel older and wiser (hahaha). I feel refreshed.

Why? Well mainly because I decided. I did allot of meditating while I was in the Lowveldt and prayed about my situation allot. I payed close attention to what people around me was saying and then I wrote down what I could change, what I couldn't, how to change what I could and started considering accepting the rest.

So I came up with the following regarding my marriage. I cannot change my husband. I cannot force him to stop drinking or feel as strongly about sobriety as me. (actually known this one for a while, just haven't exactly accepted it)
I am not perfect. I am in no position to judge. I hold the ability to change my attitude towards my husband. I am not obliged to allow him to keep disappointing me should he stick to his old ways. I do not have to remain a victim of my marriage.

So upon returning home I gave my husband 3 choices:
1. Long term marriage counselling (which I really am not looking forward to - but I am praying really hard that God will help me give 110%)
2. Short term separation (minimum 6 months to each sort ourselves out and redefine our marriage boundaries)
3. Well. divorce of course - what else is there?

I've really though about the subject of a happy marriage allot (over-thinked I think) and I have come to a couple of conclusions about mine. Firstly, I am very stubborn and unforgiving when it comes to my husband. I don't easily admit when I am wrong. This really has not changed, but I can change it.
I like playing the martyr. I'm not going to any more. I need to take responsibility for my own actions and stop reacting to my husband. I don't have to be a victim.

My husband also opted for counceling - so here goes. Perhaps this time will actually be different. At least I am still sober. That helps.

Stuck on Step 1: A Repost - I am still the orange fish

2011-03-30T01:01:00.000-07:00

This morning I am wondering about something else: What if I get happy? What if I don’t feel miserable 99% of the day? What if my husband is sober? What if I have no crisis, no issue and no hassle? What if all of this turns out the way I want it and I hate it?

I wonder how much I will laugh at myself when I go back on these writings a year from now. “How crazy you where” I would probably think.

I went out with my husband last night to chat and have a coffee. It was really strange, I am really happy that he contacted AA and that he is going to a meeting and that he has forgiven me for my part in the fiasco we call our marriage. But I sat there last night, wondering how I got there. Suddenly all I could imagine was a glass of wine in front of me. I imagined myself ordering it, anticipating it, taking that first sip. I didn’t, but I just sat there most of the evening, not really knowing what to say. What do you say when you recognise nothing around you? What do you say to someone who essentially has become a stranger? I am not unwilling to save my marriage. I still love my husband. But I am slow. I am scared that I am too slow for him. I am scared that he might me too fast for himself.

I just don’t see the quick fix. I don’t get how talking about is helps. I have an overwhelming need for silence. It feels like I can’t think. The things my husband say has no impact. I can actually see the words coming out of his mouth, recognising them as words I have longed to hear, but they disappear. They float away in the air like they where never spoken. I don’t believe. I can’t trust, because I don’t care. I care, but I don’t care. Does that even make sense? What I mean is, I want everything to be better, but RIGHT NOW, I don’t care. He can go have a revenge cheat for all I care; there’s just nothing left to loose for me. He wants me to speak to him honestly about how I feel, but how do you say that to someone without it making everything worse - I'm just not there yet.

I keep thinking I have passed step 1, really passed it and moved on. And then something happens like last night. I sat there torn between the unknown and the insane feeling that I really don’t want things to change and knowing that if they didn’t I would die. Step 1 requires me to admit that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable. Somehow I thought that it would become more manageable after admitting that. It hasn’t. So many great things have happened. My father and I had such a great time sober. He looks so determined to stay sober. My husband is trying and I am still sober, why am I still not managing – even a little better that almost 2 weeks ago?
Maybe I have admitted I am powerless but not accepted that I cannot control everything. Today I will do nothing except ACCEPT.

King Alcohol and his Prime Minister

2011-03-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

Yup, so that didn't last long....

I fell of the wagon. Or should I state it more correctly: I hit my my bathroom floor on 27 March with such a force Hiroshima would have seemed like a Christmas cracker. My insides exploded repeatedly and while praying to die, I could feel my will to live leaving me with every alcohol induced convulsion. Plainly put, I puked my guts out after binging on 2 bottles of red wine.

55 days. 55 days of irritation, questioning, loneliness, despair, hope. 55 bloody days and nothing. Why am I doing this? Who am I doing this for? Why even in the midst of my desperation and confusion do I feel so strongly that I need to sober up. It's a matter of life and death, yet I seem to more often than not opt for dying. What in my life, this life can be so terrible that it makes staying sober and living rather that coping so unbearable?

Sad thing is, I know the answer to all these questions. I know I want to be sober. I know I like myself better. I know I'm not alone. But truth be told, AA is not going to save me, Koos is not going to save me, non of my friends could bare the effort, my mother's had enough and quite frankly I don't think my husband gets it, so by default doesn't make the list. I have to save myself. Somehow I have to pull the sad sack of stubbornness, unwillingness and rebellion I call my mind together and get on with it.

Every time I think I have hit rock bottom I surprise myself by going even lower. Every time I think "this is it" I seem to find a way to make it worse.

I'm stepping back. Taking the week off. Taking off from life. I have had as much as I can suffer.

Alcohol: Cunning, baffling, powerful

2011-03-25T03:44:00.000-07:00

I have been having a less than sober week. No, I haven't been drinking, but I have been thinking about it. Planning it, making excuses for it, trying to convince myself I'm cured. It's been a busy week in my mind. I even considered secretly doing it and seeing if I can hide it from my husband to avoid encouraging him to start up again. Wow.

I remember when I was still drinking and other times when I would try to stop, that it was around this time (60 odd days) that I started thinking about it. I start to loose focus and question everything about my life, the program and people around me. Somehow it starts getting too tough.

I would stop going to meetings and start by limiting my drinking - you know only one bottle of wine - and I would have the one. Savouring it, relishing it, because I did not know when I would be able to make another excuse or dream up another event or occasion for me to drink another bottle. Then the time between events would become shorter. I would have my well thought out permissions and excuses ready. Then all time would disappear. I start falling. Deeper and deeper into the nothingness of carelessness. Because really that's the only way I can continue drinking - if I don't care.

At first it seems easier. My husband and I get along, my problems are distant and I feel happy and reacquainted with my old best friend. Eventually, it always starts going pear shaped. First, I start feeling cranky, tired...hungover. I start loosing the will to get up. Depression. Guilt. Then the emotional tug of war. I want to stop, but it will upset everything and everyone who likes me drunk - including me. Maybe I can just try to drink less again? That never works. Maybe I should just stop and not say anything? The temptation of alcohol being served up is just always too much.

And then it happens. I find the strength to claw my way to freedom and into an AA meeting.

I have been around this block more times than I care to count.

I don't want to go around the block anymore. I want to go where I please. Free from the circus I called "life".
I know I can. I know I want to. I know I should. And just for today, I will. Not because I have to, not because I can and not because I want to, but simply because I am worth it.

P.S. I thank God for Koos (sponsor) every day.

Aaaargh....

2011-03-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

Today I feel a little bit of resentment. I am lonely and my sponsor is unavailable. I really need to talk or cry or read something that helps. I've been scanning through some blogs, which really are great, but nothing speaks to me. I feel too young, inexperienced or naive to even begin to contemplate what all the 40 something sober bloggers are talking about.
I don't know what to do to differently so I can feel better.
I don't want to keep trying to feel better.
I'm tired and I'm lonely. So lonely it is a physical ache in every bone in my body. My insides feel like there's a soft "help" floating around in empty nothingness, echoing.

And today was supposed to be better. This week was supposed to be fun, but I don't feel anything. I'm beginning to think I'm incapable of feeling anything and that I should just stop trying. That I should get used to having the emotional capacity of a zombie. The only emotion remotely stirring any change in my bloodrate is pure Anger. This happens often, followed by shame, regret, frustration, hate and an intense desire to give up.

I should have chosen differently.

Time-out

2011-03-22T06:29:00.000-07:00

It's 3 o'clock already. My watch went and died on me - not that it causes particular chaos this week, since I am kid free for 10 whole glorious days!! Now I know, this sounds terrible. But it only happens once a year, which means I still have 355 other days to be an excellent mother. Now, I'm just being a good one - letting my kid stay at Ouma's for more than a week - and rejoicing over it!!

My daugter loves visiting her Gran. She usually doesn't want to come home - but let's face it - horse riding, swimming in rivers, sleepovers on farms, chickens, frogs, monkeys, biking, hiking, cousins, fresh fruit and actual...wait for it...real ...fresh air!! - can't possibly beat what I have to offer, which is school, routine, 4 walls, boring quick fix supper and TV.
So I can do what I feel like for 10 days. Well, not 10 days entirely. My sister is moving back to SA after 10 years in London and I'm the hal;fway house. So I have some serious preperation to do. I can't wait!!! plus it's a good excuse to finally spring clean. This annual excersize just did not seem that important in Spring. The fact that at that particular time I had been more interested in lounging outside getting pissed, might have something to do with it. I don't know.

Maybe my urge to clean stems from the fact that I was househunting for my sister last week and had the privilage (?) of seeing how others live. Some people really do not care. I was in the house of a woman who had 3 domestic workers working simultaneously and yet I could barely find a spot on the floor not covered by dog poop or peep. She kept apologizing for the mess and I kept on wondering "wwwhhhyyyy??? would you let people come to your house in this condition? Whyyyyyy?" Perhaps for her it would have been a good idea to have started cleaning in, I don't know, Spring 2001. Gross.

So I did feel a little better about the breadcrubs I did not sweep up that morning - it really did not seem that bad anymore - but it made me look. And I knew it was time for some therapy of the mop kind.

But I will make some me time. I have to. Even if it's just one bath longer that 15min, an actual soak. My, would I be able to live with that.

Day 44 - A repost and some perspective

2011-03-14T22:55:00.000-07:00

Acceptance is when a person agrees to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit.

It's strange how once things start looking up for a recovering addict, we start gravitating towards obsessing over something else. Well, at least I do.

The more my life changes and the more comfortable being sober feels, the more I obsess about the what ifs of the future. I am really scared that I won't make the next 60 odd years of my life sober. What will happen if I don't? What can I put in place to prevent myself from relapsing?

And then I realise that I have to accept that I have little or no control over anything except not taking the first drink - today. I have to trust God to keep me sober. So today I have decided that I will agree to experience sobriety, one day at a time as it may be. I am going to allow myself to heal and grow.

It's been 44 days.

What you read above is what I posted on 22 June 2010. God, what a difference some time and experience makes. Today happens to be 44 days. I woke up this morning and wondered what I felt like on 44 days the previous time. I read it and I feel sad for the immature scared person I was little less than a year ago. I am not afraid anymore. And God knows life forces you to grow up. I am not intimidated by the possibility of drinking again - I am free. I am blessed and I am on my way to being the person I was not only meant to be, but the person I want to be. And that makes all the diffenrence. Doing something because you know maybe it's the right thing or doing it to manipulate someone else into doing something or doing something for what ever reason other than for yourself - is a giant waste of time. I crave my sover life and the peace that comes with it. In the middle of every storm I now quietly look on as perspective and my Higher power calms the waves. What a glorius feeling to finally make up your mind. What peace awaits in deciding!

Today I am thankful for this blog I started because it allows me to revisit the past exactly as I experienced it, to teach me, assure me and to remind me - it does get better. And isn't that all we are really trying to do? We know we will never be perfect, but when we know we are moving forward and getting better at it, we can rest assured - it's worth it.

It has not been only 44 days - it's been 44 opportunities, 44 blessings, 44 rebirths and 44 thank you's since my last drink.

Surprises

2011-03-10T21:44:00.001-08:00

Quote

2011-03-10T05:33:00.001-08:00

My tears erased "I love you" from the blackboard of my life....

Living with an alcoholic - courtesy www.womanspassion.com

2011-03-09T02:02:00.000-08:00

I love a person, addicted to alcohol. When he’s sober - this is a wonderful lover, husband, father, partner. A question of treatment is no longer relevant, we discussed it lots of times.

He’s a doctor himself - it’s impossible to persuade him or cure, we tried. Should I keep relations or it’s better to quit them, until it’s not too late? Recurring drunkenness, fear for myself and child, shame, and everything good we have, I wrote about before. Who faced this problem and which decision was made?”
Life with alcoholic is like a love triangle - you, he, and his addiction. Your partner’s dangerous habit assimilates his time, forces and attention. He cannot belong to you, as he’s not free.

An alcoholic is not necessarily a man, who is wandering around staggering with a bottle and gets drunk till he loses consciousness. If he doesn’t drink since morning till evening, this doesn’t mean he’s not alcohol addicted. Alcoholic - is the one who cannot live without alcohol. Of course, a bottle of beer doesn’t make him an alcoholic, if he drinks it on a day off. But several bottles of beer every day after work - this is alcoholism already. It’s very difficult to discover sings of this disease on the first stage. Everything usually starts with controlled drunkenness: on every party, presentation, banquet, supper with clients, or at home, “to relax”. Unfortunately, everyone, who takes alcoholic drinks systematically in a company, runs a risk to become an alcoholic. And people, predisposed to alcoholism, pass through this stage very quickly.

Majority of alcoholics refuse their addiction categorically. Because admitting it - means agreeing with the fact that you’re helpless, that you live in a constant nightmare and come-down. The most terrible thing in alcoholism is that it deprives a person of a wish to get rid of this bad habit, restricts his ability to feel and share. A person becomes unable to emotional closeness.

If you love an alcoholic, be ready, that following things will appear in your mutual life:

- uncontemplated and inconsequent behavior;
- fits of fury and violence;
- prolonged periods of depression;
- irresponsibility;
- emotional deafness and coldness;
- lowered sexual activity;
- scuffles and scandals;
- constant irritability;
- instability of relations.

If you are married to alcoholic, don’t close your eyes on this problem. Your partner is seriously ill, he needs professional help. This may seem too sharp, but any professional will tell you that patience, understanding and love cannot cure a one from alcoholism. Continuing to be loving and understanding, you indulge his addiction. Judge yourself: he keeps on drinking, changes nothing in his behavior, and you’re always near, solve his problems, read to understand, forgive. Why should he change his habits? Shall he exert himself if everything goes the same way, no matter what he does?

Your partner just doesn’t think about it. Moreover, he’ll refuse his illness. Or he will say he’s not ready yet, that it’s not so easy, that he needs to wait an appropriate moment and so on. All this is an excuse - “a complex of denial”.

It’s very difficult to come out of such relations. You may feel you’re a traitor, delivering a serious blow to your partner. A subconscious sense of guilt may prevent you from breaking these relations, even when your life with him turns to be a hell.

Presence of children in family can complicate the situation even more. Parents, from whom a child is dependent, are too weak to protect him. In fact, such family often is a source of threat and harm for a child, not a source of protection and safety. When parents quarrel with each other or struggle with their problems, they have no time for children. As a result, a child is thirsting for love, not knowing whether he should trust this feeling, and in fact considering himself unworthy of love.

Experience, gained in such family, has a destructive impact on a personality, that’s why those who have such experience are trying to become strong through helping other people. They need ones, whom they can help, to feel themselves in safety. Only this way they can feel themselves necessary. This way the circle is locked. A child, who grew in a family with an alcoholic, often chooses a similar partner for himself, or becomes an alcoholic himself.

Normal love relationships are possible only when a person recovers and gets rid of his harmful addiction. Until he’s not free, he won’t be able to give you what you need. At least, love yourself - leave this person, until the situation becomes worse.

What to do?
- Quit playing a role of a “savior”. Members of a family often try to help an alcoholic to get out of various situations, connected with misuse of alcohol. It’s important to quit all such actions of life-saving immediately, so that an alcoholic would answer for consequences of his drunkenness himself in full measure - as a result, a wish to quit drinking may appear in him.

- Members of a family often try to help an alcoholic to get out of various situations, connected with misuse of alcohol. It’s important to quit all such actions of life-saving immediately, so that an alcoholic would answer for consequences of his drunkenness himself in full measure - as a result, a wish to quit drinking may appear in him.

- Search support for yourself. No matter whether an alcoholic agrees to treatment or not, other people’s support will be helpful for you, and also help of professionals, investigating this problem. Group training will help you to realize that you’re not responsible for your partner’s actions, and that you need to take care of yourself, regardless of agreement of disagreement of alcoholic to treatment.

- Tell you partner that you refuse from living with him. Explain him that you will be with him only under one clause - if he applies for help immediately. Be ready to fulfill your threat. If a partner doesn’t start actions immediately, break with him for keeps. Don’t come back until he recovers completely, until his behavior changes radically.

- Be ready to help. Collect information on various methods of treatment beforehand. If an alcoholic agrees to treatment, offer him to go to the first visit to a doctor together. However, here it’s important not to take responsibility on yourself, otherwise, everything will go the same way. A partner should understand that everything depends only on him.

Am I to blame?
There’re several reasons, according to which people are inclined to keep on such relations. Moreover, often a woman, who parted one alcoholic, finds another one some time later??¦

- Family story
Life with alcoholic is like a daily road trip. Raises and slumps, surprises, maneuvers, abruptness and instability of relationships cause constant shaking of a nervous system. If a serious trauma takes place, then the next day a person may feel a certain emotional raise. This happens because a body sense shock, and adrenalin is thrown to blood in extremely big quantities. It’s adrenalin that causes euphoria. If you’re struggling with depression, then you are unconsciously searching for situations, keeping you in excited state. If you grew in a family of alcoholics, then your depression, most likely, has 2 reasons: your past and your genetic inheritance. Excitement of relations with a person, suffering from such disease, may attract you a lot.

- Fear for responsibility for yourself
You want to feel your own superiority, magnitude. When you have got near your partner, whose life is chaotic, you start feeling better, more intelligent, more efficient. Playing a role of a hero, you close your eyes on your disadvantages, your own weakness. Chumming in with people, whose problems require solution, or getting to chaotic, uncertain and emotionally disadvantage situations, you avoid thoughts of responsibility for your own life. Going deep into dramatic problems, you refuse from looking inside of yourself and making wise decisions concerning important aspects of your life.

- Syndrome of a life-saver
You need to command. When you get to a situation, when you need to save your partner, you gain huge power over him. This is one of the most efficient methods of manipulation over people. Unconsciously such person is guided by fear of loneliness and unfaithfulness, thus he provides his safety, taking key positions. You need a partner, who needs to be rescued all the time - only this way you can feel you’re competent and protected. You use your partner in your own way, not less then he uses you.

- Love is a narcotic
You use your relationships like a narcotic, avoiding the feelings, you would have to feel in loneliness. The more agonizing your communication with a man becomes, the stronger it distracts you from reality. The most terrible relations serve the same reason, as a very string narcotic does for a complete drug addict. But you become unsociable without a partner, whom you can accentuate your attention on.

- Idealization
You invent an image of an ideal partner and live in your world of fancies. In this world a partner, whom you’re unhappy with, turns to be your dream man, but only with your help. You concentrate not on a real man, but on your fancy about how good he could be and you’re ready to do everything in your power for this. It seems to you that a happy moment will come in a little. But a person can change himself only if he wishes this himself.

If you’re attracted to people, suffering from serious problems, ask yourself: whether I mix up compassion with love? Whether I’m inclined to co-dependence? A key word in people’s relations is respect. You should not only love your partner, but also respect him, be proud of him. Take your time to decide what you want from love relations, and then make a decisive step towards yourself.

And when we were wrong, promtly admitted it...

2011-03-06T22:58:00.000-08:00

So I was wrong about thinking my husband was drinking on Saturday. I thought he had used the money he withdrew to buy booze so he can drink while I'm babysitting.
He donated half to CANSA and shaved all his hair in honour of his mother who died of breast cancer 12 Dec 2010, had a new front door key made and took my girl out for ice cream.

Yup, so while I'll be wiping the egg off my face today, apologising to God for assuming I got the message and doing some humility exercises, may you all have a great day.

God's Will

2011-03-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

So what happens if you're right about something you really wish you weren't right about? Do you pat yourself on the back with a "you knew it sister" or do you cry? Because being right means you loose everything.
I heard something today that made some sense in this situation: Don't you think it's time to stop crying about what you have lost and start celebrating what you have left?
Maybe it's time for that. It's strange when you ask for an answer from God, and you wait patiently for His will and then it happens. And you are calm. Because even though what happened was not your will - its the right thing. And somehow you just know it will all be okay. Suddenly the fear is gone. The future is clear and you get the nerve to do what you have to. It's liberating. Thank you , Lord.

Today

2011-03-04T00:53:00.000-08:00

It's finally Friday. What a week! Emotionally it's been easier, but work wise it's been taking it's toll.

I have been attending my weekly meetings regularly, alternating between group meetings and women's meetings. Also been attending the step meeting on Wednesday. Something I should have done ages ago. It really helps a lot to start working the program. I find myself continuously wanting to rush it. I struggle to stay in one day, a current moment, this place. My mind wanders off or rushes forward or goes and settles in the past. Either causing anxiety or depression - depending on where I am, past present of future. So I have practised this week to stay calm. Focus on the now. How I can add to my current situation, do things differently and better in the now. How to be more open to the people around me, more accessible without letting them cross my very necessary boundaries.

I have also been counting days. It's very demoralising. I've decided to write down the date of my first sober day and then not look back or rush forward. And not count. Just focus on staying sober one day at a time.

I still struggle with a sense of loss and intense sadness. Every time I am confronted with something that remotely resembles my past, I shy away and get sad and frustrated because not everything has changed. My boundaries are helping, because nothing from the past may cross over them, but still the past is there. Visible. And some of those things need to be in my new life as well. It must be done and handled very differently, but it will still be there. Like a physical relationship with my husband. It's hard for me, because 90% of my ability to be physical depends on my emotional health, for men it seems the other way round. So I know I have to start working at it, but somehow it's just really not a priority, meaning to be able to be physical is not my main goal in emotional healing. And I don't know how to make it one. I know it has alot to do with trust as well. I have decided not to trust my husband, but I have deicided to trust God. I know, no matter what happens in my relationship or life, it will be okay. God will make it okay. So I don't have to fear dissapointment or pain anymore, because even if it happens, I will be able to handle it. But making a decision is one thing, learning to live in trust, now that is constant practise and reminding. So I'm trying, taking baby steps.

I also got myself the Daily Reflections form AA. What a window! I read the reflection while praying for God's Will in my life and acceptance of what I cannot change. I still have so much to learn, see and experience. I'm blessed to have the time of Today, to do something about it.

Jesaja 12:2

2011-02-28T22:51:00.000-08:00

God is my redder; Ek vertrou op Hom, ek is nie meer bang nie. Die Here my God is my krag en my beskerming; Hy is my redder.”

Sonder Hoop

2011-02-28T00:05:00.000-08:00

Ek het gisteraand lank met my man gesels. Tot laat nag. Baie gehuil. Hy wil he ek moet vergewe en vergeet en my arms om sy nek gooi en aanbeweeg. Ek wens bitterlik dat ek kon. Die vergewe is nie die probleem nie. Vergeet seker ook nie, wie wil in elkgeval heeldag aan die nare verlede loop en dink? Die probleem le in die oorgee. Die toelaat dat my hart, my lewe weer deur my man geimpak kan word. Ek is angsbevange.

Ek het hom vertel gisteraand hoe ek sedert ek die eerste maal AA toe gegaan en nugter geword het ek my verhouding met die Here gebou het. Ek het aan Hom vasgeklou vir lewe en dood. Ek het gesien hoe kragtig Hy is en ek het gevoel hoe dit voel om vry te wees, liefgehe te word sonder voorwaardes of skuld. En ek het gebid. Dag ek nag vir my man. Dat die Gees in hom sou werk en hom sou oortuig dat daar 'n beter lewe aand die ander kant van die whiskey bottel is. Vir my was dit steeds 'n opdraende styd. Ek was op en af van die wa af. Maar ek het bly hoop en glo. Vir myself en my man. En toe gebeur dit. Hy sien die lig. Dit was om en by 11 Mei verlede jaar. Ek was so bly. Ek het die Here geloof en geprys, sy lof besing uit dankbaarheid dat hy my man vir my terug gegee het soos ek hom nog nooit geken het nie. Ek was gelukkig, vol hoop. Trots op my man. Ons het saans tot laat op die stoep gesit en gesels, koffie gedrink en ek kon ure in verwondering luister na die helder bekentenisse wat hy gemaak het. Hy het sy foute erken, hy het berouvol gelyk. Hy was emosioneel en eerlik.

Maar twee maande later het hy op dieselfde stoep gesit, met 'n bier in die hand. Die woorde: "Dis die eerste keer in maande dat ek normaal voel", het my verpletter. Ek het daardie dag op 18 Julie 2010 gevoel hoe ek doodgaan. Die rebellie teen God het in my begin opdruis. Ons was toe albei 70 dae nugter. Ek het moed opgegee. Drank weer begin regverdig. Ek was siek van die skuldgevoelens en totale verlorenheid wat my beetgepak het. Ek het gedink aan 'n aanhaling wat ek eendag ook hier op my blog geplaas het: "I may not remember what you said. I may not remember what you did, but I will remember the way you made me feel." Ek het nou, 8 maande later, nogsteeds nie vergeet hoe ek daardie dag gevoel het nie.

Hy dink ek is selfsugtig, bang en gemeen. Hou hom aan 'n lyntjie en mors ons tyd. Ek weet net dat ek nooit weer so kan voel nie. Vir my het daar 'n selfbewarings meganisme ingeskop wat onwrikbaar klou. Dit was die eensaamste, hulploosde, verwardeste oomblik van my hele lewe. Dit waarop ek al my hoop gesit het was weg. Ek ken myself. Ek sal nie weer so 'n slag oorleef nie. As ek weer moet drink, sal ek nie my gesig weer by die AA kan wys nie. Nie weer nie. As hy weer moet drink sal ek nie my lewe in die oe kan kyk nie. Ek kan nie 'n egskeiding oorleef of dit aan my dogter doen nie. Ek weet net ek kan nie.

Ek weet dat dit ek is wat my rug op God gedraai het. Ek weet dat ek opgehou het om Hom te vertrou. Met my eie lewe en my man s'n. Ek weet dat Hy als kan regmaak, nuut maak en my kan deurdra as ek maar net sou kies en vra. Soms wens ek dat God ons vrye keuse gespaar het en net namens ons wou kies. Dat Hy sou neerdaal en se: " Jy het A,B en C nodig, hier is dit". Maar nou wag Hy dat ons vra, dat ons kies. Die helfte van die tyd het ek nie 'n idee nie. Hoe kan ek weet wat om te vra en wat om te kies. Ek weet ook dat dit nie God se skuld is dat my man drink nie. Ook nie dat ek drink nie. Miskien wens ek net dat Hy my dit gespaar het. Hierdie lewe van 'n alkoholis en 'n alkoholis se vrou en 'n ander se dogter. Maar dan, die lewe is nie regeverdig nie. Wie is ek om iets beter te verwag?

Ek was immers die een wat ontrou was. Ek onthou die aand wat ek teenoor my man gebieg het oor my buite-egtelike eskapades (dit was beslis nie verhoudings nie). Ek kon die pyn in sy oe sien. Ek kon sy hart hoor breek. Ek was verpletter. Ek het geweet ek moes bieg en het gesweer nooit weer, nooit weer sal ek die oorsaak van soveel pyn en verwoesting wees vir my man nie. Al het ek myself vergewe, en weet ek ook die Here het my ook vergewe, bly my belofte om hom nooit weer seer te maak nie altyd agter in my kop met elke besluit wat ek neem. Ek het hom met soveel oorgawe liefgehad en gedien dat ek myself verloor het. Dat ek die gaping in my eie hart ongemerk laat aanhou bloei het. Vandag staan ek verbaas omdat ek leeg is, uitgebloei. Met 'n dik letsel.

Miskien wil ek net een maal my man hoor sê, dat hy begryp. Dat hy besef waardeur ek gaan en dat hy sal aanhou probeer om my hart terug te wen, al vat dit hoe lank en al kos dit hom watter opoffering ookal.

Ek het eenmaal 'n boek gelees waar die outeur beweer nie almal wat selfmoord pleeg gaan hel toe nie. Sommige se saak met die Here is reggestel voor hulle gaan. Die wereld met sy wreedheid, onregverdigheid en boosheid is vir sulkes net te veel. Soms kom ek tot stilstand en kyk om my heen. Ek sien 'n wereld oorheers deur die bose en ek huil vir wat vir my kind voorle en dalk nog vir my en my man ook. En ek wonder of ek sal kan wag tot die Here besluit dit was genoeg.

PMS

2011-02-25T12:09:00.000-08:00

'n Hoer Krag

2011-02-24T00:02:00.000-08:00

Gisteraand was weer baie sleg. Ek het na 'n step meeting gegaan, wat baie insiggewend was. Tuis is ek deur my man ingewag. Hy wou praat. Soos dit gewoonlik deesdae gaan het hy gepraat en beskuldig en beledig. Gedreig om te loop, verklaar dat hy moed opgegee het. Vertel hoe dit mys kuld is dat niks beter raak vir hom nie en verwag dat ek myself moet regruk sodat alles kan reg wees. Ek moes aanhoor dat ek vieslik selfsugtig is omdat ek my nugterheid opblaas tot die punt dat dit almal uit my lewe skuif - natuurlik hy ook. Dat ek nugterskap my alfa en omega maak en vir niks en niemand anders omgee nie. Ek het soos deesdae die norm, stil gesit en luister en gebid dat God dit gou verby sou laat gaan. Dit het nie, nie voor ek aan my arm regop geruk en weer vergil, bang en verpletter, emosioneel uitgeput was nie. En toe wil hy agter my inkruip asof ons 'n heerlike dag saam gehad het...

Om te erken dat ek groot skuld dra aan die verval van my huwelik, verg baie moed en 'n nederigheid waaroor ek nie altyd beskik nie. Die ou woede kom steek dikwels kopuit en dan kom die verontskuldigings en regverdigings. Ek voel meeste van die tyd so ondraaglik skuldig dat ek nie kan asemhaal nie. Ek vind my behoud in die feit dat ek sedert ek voor die Here gesweer het ek sal nooit weer aan 'n ander man raak nie - ek ook nie het nie. Ek het darem een belofte gehou. Dis hoekom ek besluit het om die laaste flenters van my moed bymekaar te skraap om die steps werklik deur te werk. Ek moet my pakhuis skoon kry, sodat ek die wereld en my man in die oe kan kyk en kan glo dat dit waarvan ek nogsteeds beskuldig word, nie waar is nie. Sodat my selfbeeld kan herstel.

Ek het myself belowe daardie dag toe ek uit die prokureur se kantoor stap dat 2010 die laaste jaar van swaarkry was. 2011 sal 'n jaar van besluitneming, aksie en verandering - verbetering wees. En selfs al moet ek nog bietjie hartseer verduur om daar uit te kom, dis okay. Teen die einde van hierdie jaar gaan ek met my kop omhoog die sonstrale voel en in die reen dans. Ek sal die stof van 'n nuwe lewenspaadtjie op my skoene he.

Ek het so dikwels al deur die AA se deure beweeg met halwe intensies, moedeloos en vinnig weer uit nugterskap gepraat. Moed opgegee. Maar ek het gisteraand besef dat ek geestelik heeltemal opgedroog het. Ek het iewers opgehou om God te vetrou met my lewe, miskien ook bietjie vir die verloop daarvan verwyt. Ek draai nie na Hom wanneer ek self nie kan nie. Ek het ook besef dat ek desperaat is en ek het nerens anders heen om te gaan as na God toe nie. Ek is alleen. Gelukkig weet ek daar is meer, 'n hoër krag, al voel ek dit nie nou nie.

Van Koos:

Hello Sanna

Jy gebruik die term “dat ek geestelik heeltemal opgedroog het”.

Ek onthou die aand wat ‘n baie spesiaale mens in my lewe my oppad na ‘n AA vergadering gevra het hoe ek voel…my antwoord was..” I am emotionaly bankcrupt”.

Vir my is die ‘geestelike of spiritueele’ die eweknie van die ‘emosionele’. Dit wat ek voel en ervaar maar nie kan beskryf nie.

Ek was toe in die huwelik – saam onder een dak maar ‘geestelik’ sover as die Ooste van die Weste verwyder. Dit was nag!

Vandag loop ek denkbeeldig mank na vele worstelinge met myself en “the God of my understanding”…maar ek is vry van alkohol en vry van die een wat my lewe wou besoedel met beskuldigings wat nie waar was nie.

Praat met iemand wat proffesioneel is oor die laste wat jy so swaar saam dra…dit maak ‘n mens moeg en ‘n moeë mens het nie energie om “fun” te hê in sy pad op en na nugterskap/VRYHEID nie.

Sterkte – Your worth it !!

K

"Because Of You" - Kelly Clarkson

2011-02-23T22:29:00.000-08:00

I will not make the same mistakes that you did I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Gaan aan wal

2011-02-21T22:59:00.000-08:00

Ek sal vandag baie hard probeer om nie so mislik te klink soos ek voel nie.

Ek was gisteraand weer by 'n meeting (wat 'n blessing). Die persoon wat gedeel het se storie was aangrypend. Maar dit was nie soseer wat hy gese het nie, maar eerder iemand anders, wat my aan die dink gehad het. Die man het vertel dat om AA toe te kom is soos om uit 'n storm te kom. En skielik dobber jou boodtjie in die stil kalm rustige water. En dis heerlik. Meeste van ons le dan agteroor en geniet dit om in die sonskyn van ons nuwe vrede te bak. Maar dis nie waar dit stop nie en baie van ons besef dit nie. Om 'n nugter lewe te lei is 'n reis, een of ander tyd moet jy voet aan wal sit en jou lewe lei. Jy moet die steps doen - work the program.

Ek is al sedert 2008 in en uit AA. Dan is ek nugter, dan is ek half nugter, dan gee ek moed op, verdwyn kom terug en probeer weer. Ek is mal oor die stilte in daardie veilige hawe. Ek begeer 'n lewe dobberend in rus en vrede. Maar tog, bly ek op die water en die gevaar daarvan is dat die strome my dikwels weer terug die oseaan insleep terwyl ek le en dut. Die gevolg is dat ek telkens weer wakker skrik in die hartjie van die storm. Dan is dit weer roei en spaander om by die volgend hawe te kom.

Dis uitputtend. My lewe het 'n selfinflicted marteling geword. Dit is tyd dat ek werklik die dinge wat my op die boodtjie hou identifiseer en van ontslae raak. Eerstens glo ek my huwelik met 'n alkolis help glad nie. tans drink niemand nie, maar die onrus het my beet. Nie omdat ek soseer bang is datmy man weer sal drink nie, maar dat ek bang is ek sal weer drink en hy sal my nie keer nie. En ek sal nie omgee nie. Hoe los ek dit op? Hardloop ek weg en sny my af van alles wat remotely soos die verlede lyk.? Sal nie nie werk nie. Die Groot boek se tog dt ons nie die deur op die verlede sal wil toemaak nie. Ek moet daaruit leer. Ek begin verstaan hoekom ek so hard teenoor my man is en so sukkel om te werk aan ons verhouding. Solank ek dobber in die hawe, is dit te maklik om weer die oopsee in te vaar. Ek moet vasmeer en voet aan wal sit. Geen ander mens op hierdie planeet kan my vorseer of help nie. Dis niemand anders se skuld dat ek 'n swak alkie is nie.

Ek het besluit om Woensdae se step meeting te begin bywoon. Dis tyd om voet aan wal te sit, die gemufde bagasie op die skuit te los en vorentoe te gaan, one step at a time.

F..U..N..?

2011-02-21T01:03:00.000-08:00

I had a hellish weekend - mostly my own fault. I was down there in the dark bottomless pit and basically refused to get out. Mostly spending my time with my nose in my new book (YES it finally came!!!). When I wasn't reading, I was sleeping or sulking.
At one point my husband said he thinks he knows what the problem is: Lack of fun. Really. It seemed so obvious. And I suppose it is. I'm not having allot of fun. Mostly because I don't know how to. I have some fun activities or rather things I like doing, like reading my book, knitting, mosaic, baking, gardening, etc. But somehow I don't end up feeling refreshed and relax, but rather guilty for having the nerve to take some time out to do something that is fun. Though I'm not really sure it's fun either.

I know my husband also implied that we should have more fun, which really is a super foreign idea. My husband and I had a lot of fun - drinking, spending money we didn't have, eating well and living it up, amongst others...we sure had FUN. I have absolutely no idea how to have "fun" with my husband while I am sober. Quite frankly the idea leaves me so blank it feels like it's completely out of my frame of reference. Imagine that..laughing, joking, having fun with my husband. Would that be possible? Being sober, not being the one being made fun of, completing an activity or day out without doing everything he wants and us tagging along. (O, we've had plenty of those - he has a great day, plenty of fun and I'm just tired and super irritated).

Well. I've pondered it and decided to try to have fun. Beside, Koos also says I should calm down and live a little. So I'll try to do something fun with my daughter first. Just to see if I can still do fun. Then I'll see if I can pay it forward. But first I'll have to find out what fun is and that really doesn't sound fun at all...mmm

Sadness

2011-02-17T22:30:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up feeling unhappy and miserable. I am worried about everything, my mind is all over the place and the sadness has settled in the pit of my stomach. I have trouble at work - the only place I felt safe and stable. I feel so unbalanced. But really I'm just sad. I want to cry today and maybe its about time. I have an overpowering sense of loss. I ordered a book I have been wanting to read for months and its been 4 weeks. It hasn't arrived. It really makes me sad. I should be angry, enquire and search, but I'm crying with disappointment. Every time I visit the mailbox and it's not there I feel empty and powerless. I know it's not the stupid book, but still, I wish it would come.
I miss my mother and my sisters. I miss hot summer days, bathing in the sun with them, laughing carefree - the world my oyster. I miss having fun, laughing from my stomach and feeling calm. I'm tense and uncomfortable in my own skin, my mood and emotions like a rollercoaster. And yes, I know, I'm just a little bit sad. Sad about the things I cannot change, but would really love to, sad about the things I didn't change when I could, sad about the friends I hurt and ultimitely lost, sad about my broken heart and the unfair world.
Today I miss people I don't even know and will allow myself to cry about it.

Daily thought from Koos

2011-02-16T22:36:00.000-08:00

Regte woorde...Regte tyd. Thanks Koos

Sobriety

Sobriety is nothing like I thought it would be. At first it was one big emotional roller coaster, full of sharp highs and deep lows. My emotions were new, untested, and I wasn't entirely certain I wanted to deal with them. I cried when I should have been laughing. I laughed when I should have cried. Events I thought were the end of the world turned out to be gifts. Slowly things began to even out. As I began to take the steps of recovery, my role in the pitiful condition of my life became clear. - Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 316

Thought to Ponder . . .

I had to get sober to be amazed.