Day 24:

So I discovered the age I started drinking. The real confirmed date, validated in a very "I told you so" -ish fashion by my mother. I was 11. Which emotionally makes me 11. I am a child.

The thing about being emotionally childish is that now that I have to feel grown-up emotions it's overwhelming. It's too much sometimes. Every single emotion is so acute I wish I did not have to feel. When I feel happy, I'm so happy I get the jitters and over extend myself. When I'm down I want to break someones toys. When I'm angry I need all my adult self control not to murder someone. When I am at peace - I am lonely and bored.

Nothing works right. It's so frustrating. It feels as if everything is out of control. And I know its not because I am sober. I have control, but I lack patience. Everything has to start from scratch and it's this constant focus that makes me tired.

But I'm actually in a good mood today. I like the current work I'm doing. My sister is coming for a visit. And my husband and I finally started dancing - and yes, it's more difficult than it looks. But it was fun. I needed some of that.

I've also decided that I need to start writing my whole truth. So I'll be starting and Inventory page. And adding to it as I remember. Bear with me - I have almost 19 years of drinking to cover...again one day at a time.

Seek patience

and passion

in equal amounts.

Patience alone

will not build the temple.

Passion alone

will destroy its walls.

~ Maya Angelou ~