Recalculating GPS co-ordinates

I think everybody sometimes come to a place in their life, not necessarily just through sobering up, where you really have to reevaluate where you are going. It's a place where everything is seeming comfortable, change seems like a hassle, your job becomes easy and your worries remarkably few. It's as secure and true as your GPS telling you: In 100m turn left".

But its' boring....

....and yes, I am in that place. My life has become extremely repetitive. I am not unhappy and I love order, schedules and routine, but I can't really remember what I used to like. What did I want to be and where? More importantly why? It feels like all my teenage goals have been achieved and now suddenly having hit 30, none of those achievements have any significant meaning. There are only two things I can put on my list of "Made a difference" with conviction: 1. My marriage and 2. Having my daughter. The rest really was dictated by society or nice to haves i.e. turning left when the nice British lady tells you to. I have spent so much time and energy on acquiring 2 academical degrees that mean absolutely noting in what I do every day. My job used to be challenging. Now it has become boring, meaningless and frustrating. Nothing ever really happens and therefor noting really ever gets completed. It just continues everyday. My husband asks me everyday: "So what happened in your day." And though it's nice of him to ask, I never have an answer worth wasting the time answering.

Last year I completed an Honors degree in my spare time. I had to really work hard and focus. My life was super organized and the studies challenged me. But I felt alive. This fond memory only adds to my feeling of mediocrity. I have become thoroughly bored, boring and pointless. And I am going to change it.

I know that I have neglected and suppressed my creative talents all my life, mostly because of fear of failure. I never though myself to be artistic or colorful. I have started doing mosaic and was surprised at the outcome. I also made some pretty handbags, which everyone seemed to love. Now, I will do a portrait and redecorate the cutest hot air balloon lampshade I found in a secondhand store - PS: I LOOOOVE those. All these seemingly throw away things with these histories. I love browsing around imagining the room in which that lamp hanged, the child who stayed in that room, or the cakes lovingly baked by some (now deceased) grandmother, with that old whisk or memories made while listening to that scratched vinyl. Second hand and charity shops are always filled with spirits of time gone by. And I love it.

So, sadly I am in no position to make any major changes regarding work or anything else - still haven't heard anything after my interview - but I am going to find my joy and talents. And with tiny leaps of faith I will explore them. Who knows, it might be fun.

So next time the nice lady tells me to turn left - I'm going to let her recalculate....