I fell of the wagon. Or should I state it more correctly: I hit my my bathroom floor on 27 March with such a force Hiroshima would have seemed like a Christmas cracker. My insides exploded repeatedly and while praying to die, I could feel my will to live leaving me with every alcohol induced convulsion. Plainly put, I puked my guts out after binging on 2 bottles of red wine.
55 days. 55 days of irritation, questioning, loneliness, despair, hope. 55 bloody days and nothing. Why am I doing this? Who am I doing this for? Why even in the midst of my desperation and confusion do I feel so strongly that I need to sober up. It's a matter of life and death, yet I seem to more often than not opt for dying. What in my life, this life can be so terrible that it makes staying sober and living rather that coping so unbearable?
Sad thing is, I know the answer to all these questions. I know I want to be sober. I know I like myself better. I know I'm not alone. But truth be told, AA is not going to save me, Koos is not going to save me, non of my friends could bare the effort, my mother's had enough and quite frankly I don't think my husband gets it, so by default doesn't make the list. I have to save myself. Somehow I have to pull the sad sack of stubbornness, unwillingness and rebellion I call my mind together and get on with it.
Every time I think I have hit rock bottom I surprise myself by going even lower. Every time I think "this is it" I seem to find a way to make it worse.
I'm stepping back. Taking the week off. Taking off from life. I have had as much as I can suffer.
Mary LA | March 29, 2011 at 7:11 AM
Sending love and sympathy. Stay in touch and get to meetings or find sober friends. It is possible to get sober and stay that way. Hugs to you Sannie.
Koos | March 29, 2011 at 8:27 AM
Go to your 19th May blog...I am glad your are blogging in spite of...Your right for the next step/phase - go for it !!