Today

It's finally Friday. What a week! Emotionally it's been easier, but work wise it's been taking it's toll.

I have been attending my weekly meetings regularly, alternating between group meetings and women's meetings. Also been attending the step meeting on Wednesday. Something I should have done ages ago. It really helps a lot to start working the program. I find myself continuously wanting to rush it. I struggle to stay in one day, a current moment, this place. My mind wanders off or rushes forward or goes and settles in the past. Either causing anxiety or depression - depending on where I am, past present of future. So I have practised this week to stay calm. Focus on the now. How I can add to my current situation, do things differently and better in the now. How to be more open to the people around me, more accessible without letting them cross my very necessary boundaries.

I have also been counting days. It's very demoralising. I've decided to write down the date of my first sober day and then not look back or rush forward. And not count. Just focus on staying sober one day at a time.

I still struggle with a sense of loss and intense sadness. Every time I am confronted with something that remotely resembles my past, I shy away and get sad and frustrated because not everything has changed. My boundaries are helping, because nothing from the past may cross over them, but still the past is there. Visible. And some of those things need to be in my new life as well. It must be done and handled very differently, but it will still be there. Like a physical relationship with my husband. It's hard for me, because 90% of my ability to be physical depends on my emotional health, for men it seems the other way round. So I know I have to start working at it, but somehow it's just really not a priority, meaning to be able to be physical is not my main goal in emotional healing. And I don't know how to make it one. I know it has alot to do with trust as well. I have decided not to trust my husband, but I have deicided to trust God. I know, no matter what happens in my relationship or life, it will be okay. God will make it okay. So I don't have to fear dissapointment or pain anymore, because even if it happens, I will be able to handle it. But making a decision is one thing, learning to live in trust, now that is constant practise and reminding. So I'm trying, taking baby steps.

I also got myself the Daily Reflections form AA. What a window! I read the reflection while praying for God's Will in my life and acceptance of what I cannot change. I still have so much to learn, see and experience. I'm blessed to have the time of Today, to do something about it.