The Indigo Soul

On Monday I have to share my story at my home meeting. I have shared on one or two occasions, both times at a different place in my sobriety. Often not as honest as I maybe would have like to be. I have struggled to sty sober. Talking is not always the best medicine for me, but in writing I find perspective and an ability to be honest. Writing to me is evidence of my evolution.

So today I want to have ago at it. My story as it stands today.

I grew up in a loving christian home. Hardworking, strict father and a stay at home mom who lavished us with attention. We did not see our dad often during the week, but my mom was around all the time. She pushed us, beyond our limits sometimes, to always be the best. She defended us in public and called us to order in private. I remember being scared of my dad and a deep desire to please him.

Growing up was happy days. I was clever and performed well in sports. I did not have a lot of friends, but did manage to gather a handful of priceless ones I can thankfully still name amongst my friends today.
I had to all accounts a happy childhood.

On reaching my teens things started going pear shaped. My mother changed, my father was invisible and money was tight. We where sent of to boarding school and I hated every second of it. I started living a double life. Deputy head girl, Best Athlete, First Team netball player since grade 9, Top 20 Academic performance during the week, promiscuous rebel during the weekend. I was on face value any parents dream. But on weekends at home away from the rules and regulations of school I had boyfriends that where too old, I had sex with anything that paid attention and I mostly drank to forget. I wanted to be cool. Accepted. Mostly I just wanted to avoid my very sad mother and my heavily drinking angry father.

We moved to the Freestate just before my first year of study. Studying engineering meant mostly men in all my classes (the one or two girls sex was questionable). Getting accepted this time was easy, drink like a man. My academic ability also made me a valuable ally before exams after binge drinking most of the semester. So, yes, my behaviour was largely acceptable and encouraged.

During this time my parents divorced and all the hell that came with it. My father is an alcoholic. I don't remember my mother ever warning me about my behaviour. Today I realise she was too busy with her primary alkie to pay too much attention to what I was doing. Plus she trusted me and the upbringing she gave me enough to probably hope it will blow over.

Then in final year I met my husband. A heavy drinker. The first couple of years just blurred by. We got married and did all the happy family things. Celebrating life to death. His father is also a heavy drinker.

Live slurred and blurred by. My daughter was born and shortly after her 1st birthday it started dawning on me that I could not live the way I was living. I prayed to God for a solution and I knew I had to stop drinking.
My mother asking me politely over the phone if I would not consider to quit drink probably also had something to do with it.

Me being sober caused huge problems for my marriage and it would take 3 years to finally reach the point I am at now.

Sober, regardless.

I once asked God why, if I grew up in such a home, did I have to be and alcoholic and to make matters worse marry one that came from one? Is there for me only life and death in alcohol? God made it abundantly clear that He had chosen me.

For what I had no idea. Recently I discovered that I am an Indigo Soul. My main purpose for living is to educate and bring upon change. I realise that to be a good teacher you need to teach from experience. You need to believe in what you teach. You should not be the solution, but lead by example.

These are hard things for me to understand, nevermind accept, but I know today, that in sobriety I find the key to what God intended with my life. To make things better for others, by bettering myself.
My father has decided to stop drinking during my quest for sobriety and thankfully my husband is sober - today.
I have no primary goal to change the world, but if my staying sober impacts on others while helping me finally fit in, then I know I am in the right place.
I wasn't born to stay on the hamster wheel. I was born to open the cage door.