I shared at my home group on 18 April and I felt stupid. Don't know why. I don't really like hearing my own story anymore. Having been in and out of AA and sobriety I think the whole yo-yo thing makes me sick. I don't even always believe my own story. Why should anyone else? Perhaps what gets to me is the complexity of it all. When I start talking about my life, all the drunks in it and the mess left behind I feel suffocated and cheated. And that makes me a little angry and resentful. Why could my life not just be a little easier?
My husband and I when for our counseling session and had somewhat of a breakthrough. The feeling of relief and enthusiasm didn't last very long. Now I am trying to keep the momentum, but life keeps getting in the way. Plus I have suffered another disappointment or two. I know disappointment is part of life, but I have lost any and all capability to deal with my husband disappointing me. I automatically go into shutdown mode and then it feels like it takes forever to cold start my hart again. Periodically I allow myself to believe that things can be different and then daydream about how life would be when all this is behind us. Reality always pulls me to a grinding halt of realization that this is it. This is my life and most of it's my fault anyway.
It's been great having my sister around. Things have really changed. We've gotten old-ish. There's the husbands and the children. The washing and cooking. No more tequila shots till 2 in the morning and covering for each other with mom. We've really grown up and I kind of like it. I like the new dynamic of our relationship. It feels more real.
On the sobriety side - yes, I am still sober. And happy about it. I'm really mastering the one day at a time thing. I don't worry about not drinking so much anymore. The urge has left and I stopped counting. Being honest with myself and others really helps. I became so sick and tired of myself that I really have a zero tolerance for my own bullshit. That really helps. I am a bit concerned about my relationship with God though. I'm a littel angry. I'm sure it will get better. Just temporarily lost my peace.
My mom is coming tomorrow. Looking forward to surprise her on mother's day. I also have a childrens party to attend. Eventfull weekend.
Koos | May 6, 2011 at 4:18 AM
Entanglements
Tying our sobriety to someone we are emotionally involved with proves flatly disastrous. "I'll stay sober if so-and-so does this or that" puts an unhealthy condition on our recovery. We have to stay sober for ourselves, no matter what other people do or fail to do. We should remember, too, that intense dislike also is an emotional entanglement, often a reversal of past love. We need to cool any overboard feeling, lest it flip us back into the drink. - Living Sober, p. 62 Thought to Ponder . . .
No one is going to mess up my day.