I just can't handle having to deal with my husband on a daily basis anymore. It hurts like hell. I have every intention of saying nothing and then I get so angry that I become mean. Then I feel bad about myself. I just hate the whole situation. I wish he would just leave. I wish it would just end. I feel like I could explode any moment, yet I am completely empty. I feel like such a failure and at the same time know that there really was nothing I could do. On one side I understand alcoholism and what it does/how it works and on the other hand I can't understand how he could do this to me again. It's a mess. It's the final peak of dysfunction. A dysfunction that since my childhood had become a normality. One I am no longer willing to accept nor force upon my daughter.
When I got home last night I was greeted by an up-heaved garden, dinner I didn't want, more begging and crying. I just felt so tired. I still feel tired. I feel lonely and hopeless. I can already feel myself considering just letting him do what he wants so all the emotional abuse can just STOP. But I know I can't. I know this time I have to stick it out. If not for me, then for my daughter. Life is just to short to allow a very sick person to ruin it. They say one alcoholic directly affects the lives of at least 8 people negatively. Right now I am painfully aware of two. I should just cry and let it go. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This is the saddest I have ever been. This has been the biggest disappointment of my life. I started wondering if sobriety is worth it and attended a meeting. I know it is. I am worth it. I am allowed a happy, peaceful live. I deserve as much as anyone, no more, no less. And I am still sober. And will remain sober for the rest of this day.
Koos | August 12, 2011 at 1:05 AM
Morning Sannie
You are right, when we sober up we expect more than just being sober. We expect a new life, freedom, serenity, peace, joy and plain happiness...
Why do we allow others to mess it up time and time again...Why?
You tell me!!
Blessings and Good Luck!
PS - I know this is no encouragement..I also know that you are, as you closed your share, sober for that day...Hel Sanna, your are worth more. If we are sober and not happy, then we can just as well reverse our lives and "then our past becomes our future" and that is sad.