Healthy boundries and detachment

A quick recap. My husband has been sober for almost 90 days when he decided that he does not think he is an alcoholic and can control his drinking. This happened during a time I was slightly more focused on my life with a huge decision I had to make and I was down with the flu. Anyway, you can imagine my reaction....

It is that reaction that has been bothering me. I went back to a book I was reading on Co-dependency and we had a discussion in Al-Anon on healthy boundaries. I realized that my reaction was in anger and hate and it was a tell tale sign of how much I still want to control my husband's drinking. I also realized that the past 3 months was not really the perfect progress I so desperately wanted to believe. I was just working extra hard to make sure he was happy so that he had absolutely no reason to drink and so that when he did decide to drink - I could absolve myself of any responsibility. Which really is insane! It is impossible to make and alcoholic happy.

So really what I have realized is this - I am most at fault here. I still have absolutely no healthy boundaries. Because my husband believes that he can do nothing without me and I have entertained the smothering, because I did not want to upset him. He also pleaded wildly and desperately that I should not divorce him. A tactic that he is convinced if carried out long enough will yield the results he hopes for. (And sad to say up to now have worked like clockwork) I did however suggest that we could separate for a year to allow him to sort out his life, make his own decisions and learn to live without my constant assistance. He does not want to. Leaving me with the unfortunate decision of having to do what what I said 3 month ago I would do - divorce him if he ever drank again. His defense is that it only happened once (also translated as I was only caught once), the unfortunate part is I don't believe it and because I cannot be 100% sure that it is the truth, I cannot accept it and allow this cycle to repeat itself.
It is very hard for me to detach emotionally and not involve myself with someone living with me in my own home, sleeping in the same bed. Someone desperately wanting me to "just forget" what happened and continue like nothing has changed. I look at him and I feel absolutely nothing but contempt and sudden bouts of hate. How am I ever supposed to heal and look after myself an my daughter living with this person forcing himself, his problem and his life upon us mercilessly? Answer is I can't.

Decision time. There are 3 things I need to stop doing immediately.

1. Taking care of others at the expense of myself (whether emotionally or physically)
2. Active or passive obsession with controlling another person’s behavior (right now pretty active)
3. Doing for others that which they could and should do for themselves

Since there is only one functioning adult in our marriage, I will have to make the decision. Not everybody is going to be happy with that decision....