I have been a bit more busy than intended, so I have not really started sorting out the things that matter in my life. Feels like it's a daily struggle to just get by. I go through my routines and get very angry when they are disturbed. I shouldn't get so angry but I do. I have such an intense fear and dislike of chaos that anything remotely resembling it infuriates me. But there is and upside. The anger drives me. It gets me to get up in the morning and give all I have to reclaim my life. It gives me the courage to say "NO" when I need to. It makes me persistent to get myself heard and to no allow anyone or anything to divert me from my main purpose - to heal. I will get better.
I have cried only once. I'm having trouble sleeping. My mind keeps going into overdrive thinking of everyting that needs attention and doing. So I made a list and I am attempting one thing at a time and focussing on being patient. Somewhere along the line I seriously misplaced my patience.
The first thing - and I think most important thing right now is getting well rested. So I'm going to bed at 8:30 every night (taking a sleeping pill if I have to) so that I can think clearly. After my husband left I just felt so tired. Suddenly the struggle and tension was gone and I felt 3 years of exhaustion just claiming it's toll. So yes, my anger had an upside. It had kept me going. Now it's time to say good bye to anger and welcome peace.
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