Day 10

Today I am suffering from writers block. Although I think it’s that - I really want to cry, but nothing is happening - feeling. My thoughts are going crazy. My feelings are insane. I am happy, sad, surprised, disrupted (if that’s a feeling), scared and did I mention sad?


I had a wonderful time with my father last night. I have never had such an open conversation in my life. I wonder how it happens that it’s always the person you least expect it from, that makes the biggest difference. I suppose I always had the feeling “he’s one to talk” when it came to my dad. Suddenly I realise, yes, he is, he should know. He does after all have the T-Shirt. Sitting opposite your father at 30 and being reprimanded for your behaviour is well, an awakening.

I am uncomfortable. That really is the best way to describe it. I am uncomfortable with the stranger I have become, both to the people I love and myself. And I’m scared because I fear I might give up and go back to what is known. I’m stuck, dreading the past, but not yet accepting the future. Does that even make sense? I don’t feel the euphoria of sobriety. My past catching up on me has me firmly grounded. Which I suppose is good. Not sure I would be able to cope with euphoria today. I just got the word – detached. I feel, DETACHED.

The only real thing today is that the clock says 9 days 10 hours 40 minutes and 49 seconds of sobriety.

“That’ll do pig, that’ll do”

Sannie

PS – All is not what it seems – 2 of my ‘hens’ appear to be roosters. Nothing is just what it is.