That's what Koos calls what I am feeling right now. I am empty. I am not even capable of feeling sorry for myself. I am angry. I am angry because I was gullible. I am angry because I was stupid. I am angry because I hurt my husband. I am angry because I have to be selfish to survive. I am angry because I chose this life and I am angry that I am an alcoholic. But I am not angry that the truth is out there. Knowing that it is, however painful it is for everyone involved, it can now finally be over. And that too is selfish.
Last night my husband told me that he needs to feel wanted. I need to reassure him of my commitment to our marriage. I can't. He has clearly hit rock bottom. His entire comfort zone has been destroyed in a matter of 72hrs and his worst fear (me leaving him) looks very real and I get that it is traumatizing. I get that. But I can't make it easier or better this time. Every time in the past when things were rough and our marriage had problems (mostly because of alcohol), I would want him to feel better so much, that I would just leave matters unresolved and move on and continue the way it was for the sake of peace. I can't get myself to do that anymore. He thinks I have deserted him, maybe I have. It's hard to tell right now. All I know is I have realised a long time ago, I cannot 'fix' my husband, I cannot 'fix my marriage, but I CAN FIX me. And I am going to; regardless of how emotionally suffocating my husband is right now. He is clinging to me for dear life, like I am the begin-all en end-all of his entire existence. How blissfully surprised will he be when he realises there’s a whole other world on the other side of addiction. There is freedom and choice, peace, acceptance and more importantly for him, good company.
Today may be a little harder than others. I am really tired. I want to avoid my husband and his dark mood at all cost. The fact that my father is still staying with us until Thursday makes it worse. Don’t get me wrong, my father and I have had a wonderful sober visit. For the first time, literally, in years. But I need my space; I need my house and my quiet time back. I need peace and silence to figure this out. I know the world won’t stop turning just because I want to sober up, but I wish it would just for one hour. My husband makes me feel guilty. He always does. And then that guilt causes me to once again forget myself and try to make it better for him. I won’t this time. And if I have to sleep in my office to be able to do it, so be it.
Because it’s the same thing every night. “let’s talk, let’s talk, we need to work this out, I am trying, I want to be with you…”AAAARGH!!! I just want to sleep. I just want him to shut up and leave me alone. Just for a little while. I go to shower, he follows me, I try to straighten my hair, he wants a hug, I am dressing the kid, he wants a hug and he wants to talk. Now suddenly he wants to go out somewhere. He thinks to now do things elaborately differently will fix it. I know from experience that you have to recover while life continues normally. Normally. Everybody still needs to eat, get to work, washing must be done, ballet recitals must be attended, groceries must be bought, children fall ill etc etc. Life continues – NORMALLY. Only now, I am sober and painfully aware of the normalcy of my life.
And just for today….that sucks.
picadilly | May 18, 2010 at 4:40 PM
let me tell you a story...
a farmer once took an egg from an eagle's nest.he took it home and placed it under one of his hens and it hatched with a little brood of chickens.the armer raised the bird with great patience and attempted to tame him.the eagle never really seemed to fit in with the chickens.it always walked alone.it could not seem to relate or interact with the chickens.
As the eagle grew,he realized something seemed to be wrong deep inside o him.even though he had never known any other existence but life in the chicken yard,it just did not feel like home to him.he wanted to leave the chicken yard and take to the skies.he even tried to do so,and the farmer finally had to clip the eagle's wings to keep him from flying away.
Since the eagle could not fly,he just sat in the chicken yard looking up at the sky.one day a storm began to brew,the sky grew dark,and all the barnyard animals scurried around for cover;the chickens were terribly frightened,as chickens are prone to be.the eagle sat watching the scene in front of him,realizing the storm did not frighten him in the least.
At that moment,he could not help but stretch out his wings,and as he did,he noticed that the farmer had failed to keep them clipped.
Suddenly,his eye caught sight of a great eagle riding the wind above him,his wings outstretched in majestic form.
The eagle that was raised as a chicken looked again at the chicken scurrying around frantically,then returned his gaze to the eagle soaring peacefully above him,then looked back at the chickens and then up at the eagle again.he heard the eagle let out an awesome,piercing cry.in that instant,he knew he had to get out of that chicken yard!A mighty gust of wind swept beneath his outstretched wings and lifted him into the air.with a shrill scream of victory and freedom,he left the barnyard forever...
this story played a huge role during the first year of my recovery and even till today.i made a conscious choice not to be like the chickens anymore.its easy but its not what God intended for me to be.i hope that this story will mean as much to you as it did to me.
lots of love