Today I am starting to realise that even though I am willing to forgive and move on in my desperate persuit of happiness, not everybody I know is that eager. It makes me wonder how much I actually will be forgiven for. This path I have chosen unfortunately does not have room for people who wants to act like nothing's happened and just move on. Even my terribly brused and battered husband knows that this is only the beginning of a long healing path that will include forgiving, asking for forgiveness and being very very humble. For no one is perfect.
I am not sure of where I stand with people not in my immediate surroundings. I first and foremost need to forgive myself. Then I will start moving forward to all the others who come next. I realise I have no control over whether or not I will be forgiven, I can only pray that I will be showed some mercy.
My mother did a very good job of teaching us to blame my father and not the alcohol he was consuming, for all his shortcomings. Now in later life I understand why she hoped we would choose her side when we are older - she was no saint in their relationship. She would have been better off had she tought us to hate the alcohol and not men in general. She sure would have saved me some agony. Maybe I would have been more alert. But I had to find out the hard way. And strangely enough my father was instrumental in flipping my switch. Maybe I would have behaved differently towards my husband? Maybe I would have respected him more? Maybe I would have been more compassionate if I did not listen to everything my mother said. Maybe.
What is sure is, my past does not dictate my future. My father, mother, husband, rest of my family and friends will not impact on whether or not I stay sober. That is between me and the first drink. And no matter how isolated all this family dynamics make me feel, I am happy and peaceful in my solidarity, because for the first time in a looooong time, I am really starting to like myself.
Imagine that....
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