Weekend 1 = The ending of Day 5, Surviving Day 6 and Conquering Day 7

FINALLY!!! I thought not drinking would be tough. I have to confess, not blogging is worse. I have been feeling like a pressure pot ready to explode all weekend. What a release, sort of what the first sip of wine used to feel like without the consequence…
Anyway, where to start? Let’s start with the secret. They say the truth always catches up with you. In Afrikaans they say, “die waarheid het kort bene” – “the truth has short legs”, meaning it might be running slowly, but it will catch up eventually. And so it did.

Two years ago I had a one night stand, with the Adonis mentioned in my previous blog. His resurfacing and resulting communication led to my husband discovering and I told the truth. The freeing truth. Needless to say, what followed was not pretty. At this particular intersection in my marriage I had a hard time feeling emotional about any of it. I only felt relieved, that it was finally out there. What really got to me is how easily every good and wonderful thing I had done since August 2008 had suddenly disappeared and I had been reduced to a cheap slut. That hurt, but it also made me realise how easy it was to chuck away your reputation. Something I am sadly very familiar with. It made me even more determined to give who I really am a chance. To fix all the opinions, to change all those minds who thinks I am a stupid drunk. I may have been, but I am not anymore.

So needless to say, Day 6 did not start well. But I survived, thanks to a late night chat with Koos on Day 5 and sheer determination. And anger. Lots and lots of anger.

The entire day I felt like I was standing outside my situation, looking at two complete different people, both me, fighting over who will stay in my house, who will keep my life. I realised that I have two exceptionally shitty choices. 1) Drinking which means I will eventually loose myself, but I might keep my family intact or 2) Staying sober and eventually loosing everything I once thought was my truth, but finding me. Two choices, both carrying a hefty cost, but only one option where I stand to gain. I need to know myself if I have any hope of living.

Day 7 started fairly draining. But the bomb had already burst, and thanks to time, my dearest husband had calmed down and we could talk. I think he realised that infidelity, as inexcusable as it is, was a symptom of something much bigger. The festering sore that is our marriage. And I was honest. I could not promise my husband that I would stay sober if we parted ways, but I sure as hell had a better chance. We will try again. I am praying for actions, really, really praying, because my life had become an endless rollercoaster ride where the high always start with my husband promising to stop drinking. And the low always start with him breaking this promise. We are toxic for each other when it comes to alcohol. But I have changed. Picking up that phone and phoning Koos on Day 5 when I could have easily just drank the bottle of wine left in the fridge by my husband, that made this time different. I had tried to stay sober many times, but I have never asked for help in a desperate situation. I had always chosen to drink. This time I did not. And that indicates progress. Right now I am unsure of most of everything, but I do know that I was sober for yet another day, and right now, in the eye of this storm, I will gladly settle for progress.
SoberSannie