This weekend my husband and I attempted to build a chicken coop - or as he refers to it: An Aviary. We are about 50% done after numerous miscalculations, injuries and heaps of fun. Will put up a pic in my Sober Activities page once were done.
NOW....
re·sent·ment (r -z nt m nt). n. a feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill-will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance. See Synonyms at anger.
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
I spent some thought this weekend - still harping on resentment - that it is very strange how people can wish and pray for something to happen and when it finally does, they are so resentful about the things that happened on the journey there, that they cannot enjoy the destination. And that really saddens me. My mother was instrumental in getting me sober and even though it took me almost two years to finally accept that I am powerless over alcohol, now that I have, she is willing to completely cut me and my daughter out of her life because of a stupid feud with my husband. She is mad at him about something he said - still not sure exactly what and refuses to make peace. She ensured me that she cannot guarantee that even if he did sincerely apologise - she would be able to forgive him. She called us both drunken, untrustworthy cockroaches. Which really hurt, coming from your mother. What I don't get, is why she thinks that accusing my husband of molesting our daughter was any less hurtful than anything he could possibly have said about her.
I wish that I could get one simple thing into the heads of my family - nobody is less guilty than the other person. Nobody has the right to say I did nothing and I am innocent. In my family there is no such thing. Everybody screwed up, bad mouthed and deserted everybody. And nobody does anything to mend our family emotionally.
My mother has the harshest tongue on the planet. With her, it's allot easier to pretend nothing happened than risk having the situation worsened by the things that come out of her mouth. I love my mother, but she is honestly the most bitter person I know. And that makes it nearly impossible to be near her. And that is sad.
I'm all for second chances, giving them and receiving them. I know I'm not trustworthy, and neither is my husband. But I also know we will be. I know that the odds of things falling apart again is stacked very high looking at our history. But another thing that I am all for, is faith. I believe that it's possible. And I will keep hoping. I may loose my mother and the rest of my family, but I will have my husband and daughter and the knowledge that we did EVERYTHING we could. I will know that I can be humble. I will know that I am allowed to be wrong, but obligated to admit it. I will know that I deserve happiness and love. And I will know that I never gave up.
I want to die, knowing that I have lived. That I felt the pain and indulged the joy no matter the size of the servings...
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