Just one of those days

I have had a horrible week. Physically, emotionally draining in every possible way. I have tried so hard to keep my spirits up and look the part of the happy wife, that I feel depleted. I am tired, angry, frustrated, but most of all unbelievably sad. And I don't really know what to do with it. I find that I have a severe problem with honesty. I am incapable of making my true feelings known. I have become so accustomed to agreeing as much as possible to avoid conflict that I now agree, even when everything in me screams "DON'T!!!".

Something in me changed when my husband was gone. I had made some serious decisions. My tolerance for bullshit was undeniably decreased. But since my behavior has not changed much since my husband came back - I find that all these "decisions" only add to my frustration since I am unable to avoid conflict and live without constant bullshit. I am slowly but surely being manipulated back to square one.

So the result currently is that I can feel my life weighing down on me again. Slowly accumulating after all that weight was shook off when my husband was gone. I could breathe. I did not have to tip toe around everything. I did not have to explain my every move, my every action. I never had to justify alone time or feel guilty because I bought myself something. I did not have to debate dinner, decorations or weekend plans. I never had to re plan because everyone wasn't sticking to the original plan. I did not have to wait, I did not have to beg, I did not need to persuade. O, God, I am frustrated out of my scull!!!

My husband really needs to start working again. I want my household back. I want quiet time when I get home. I want a menu that works. I want structure, routine, Control. I want to not have to be super duper thankful when arbitrary things are done for me and then feel guilty when I am not capable of worshiping the ground for clean dishes.
I want to understand why my husband does the things he does. I want to understand his understanding of disciplining our daughter. I want to understand what his idea (if any) of planning is. I want to know how much I will still have to sacrifice before my needs will be met.

I am really in a bad mood today. It's just one of those bloody days when enough is enough.