Since I first started attempting the 12 steps, I have always gotten stuck somewhere halfway and found it impossible to finish. Koos always reminded me that honestly and humility are two of the most important attributes to a recovering alkie.
Humility was hard to tackle and I still haven't mastered it completely (don't think I ever really will), but my word was I unprepared for honesty!!
I always believed that not saying something does not necessarily constitute lying. If someone doesn't know it - it can't hurt them. Well, not so...In fact it's much worse, cause the truth always rears it's uninvited head.
My husband and I have been really trying to patch up our marriage. He is of course sober and perfect at this stage. He did not know everything. So last night I handed him the bag of potatoes: I have cheated on him 5 time during our 9 year relationship. I wanted to clean the slate, give him the choice of forgiving me or not and to let him know he was not the only one to blame for our marriage going pear shaped.
I expected him to be angry, I expected the name calling, I expected the exaggeration and I expected the threats. What I did not expect at this point was the same narrow mindedness and selfishness that was "supposedly" gone. My old husband was back in seconds and I was assured in no uncertain terms that having an affair is much worse than drinking for 9 years and sexually, physically and emotionally abusing your wife for all that time (and I m not even mentioning the neglect).
Don't get me wrong - I'm not justifying and I'm not saying I had good reasons. I KNOW what I did was not the way to handle it and it was very wrong/weak/misguided/slutty/cheap. I am willing to earn his trust and learn to love him as I once did. To love the new husband he is so desperately trying to be. But apparently, cheaters don't get second chances - only drunks. Petty I am sober, could have blamed it all on the alcohol.
So there you co chips, fall where you may.
Response from Koos:
Shit Sanna!!
You give a total new meaning to the word 'brutal" in the honesty context. On the other hand your honesty towards your husband in the past as far as 'cheating' is concerned was always open - you just opened it a little wider.
If my forte did lie in marriage/relationship counseling I might have had a field day in giving you direction and advice from now on....but as you know - here we are just one alkie to another alkie. Therefor let me go to what I know about our 12 principals...Step 9 my dear - step 9.
I give you a 10/10 for honesty... please give yourself the same for the earnestness to travel the road of sobriety...it is a long and winding road.
Back to what I am familiar with...Chapter 5 - Big Book - "If you are willing to go to any length...then you are ready to take certain Steps.."...and they are guides to progress. Each one to his own how you want to follow/interpret/use/apply or practise it on your road and towards whom.
I repeat what I have said several times...If you can't help, at least don't hurt. And my favorite...Who is man to define sin to god.
Honest greetings and happy journey...Your worth it!!
K
PS -If you are to busy to go to AA meetings...you are to busy!
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