5 Truths

I attended a women’s meeting at my old group tonight and really had an epiphany, and really, I know, you might ask: “She didn’t know that already” and no, I didn’t. I knew it, but I don’t think I knew it. Koos always says “AA sure screws up your drinking”. And yes, it definitely screwed up mine. Since I started coming to AA even though I have had many slip ups and crawled back plenty of times, it didn’t make sense to drink anymore. Somewhere deep down I knew it didn’t make sense. My life had to make a 180 at some point. It just did not make sense to go back to my old ways, to that life. I have had a burning urge to be free from alcohol and everyone and everything associated with it and my past. I wanted to be free of my drinking, free of my childhood memories, free of the resentment against my mother and free of the last 10 years I spent with my husband. It just makes sense once you are sober long enough to actually realize what you have done. Because while I was still drinking everything, for me anyway, was so incredibly justifiable. Relapse was justifiable, drinking was VERY justifiable, who and what I had become because of alcohol, was justifiable. But that person doesn’t make sense once you sober up.

So here’s the first truth:

Are you done?

Shocker! Live the 12 steps in everything you do they say. Done. I have contemplated being done, planned it and visualized it, but have I ever really been done? With anything? I have planned to be done with reacting to my daughter’s tantrums, but am I ever? I have planned to be done with my marriage – but am I? Maybe not, but yes, I can say, I am done with at least one thing. I am finally done drinking. And when you’re done, you’re done.

No 2:

Do what makes sense to YOU

How incredibly simple? For more than 2 years I have been trying to do what makes sense for everyone except myself. It makes sense to me to not willingly and knowingly go back to a destructive life, to a way of living that imprisons you. Sobriety is almost the only thing that has consistently made sense the last couple of years. It definitely did not make sense to my husband. Sobriety makes me less controllable. But I am going to do what makes sense to me.

And the third:

Take Action

Now this one really threw me, because I thought I had been taking action. But I am a planner and a procrastinator. I envisioned my actions, all the sensible things to do, how I would do it, how I would say it, act and persevere – but I didn’t ACTUALLY do it! But I have made progress, I discovered I did do something; I drew the line in my destructive relationship. I actually walked into and attorneys office and sued for divorce. (I also put it on hold a week later, but still the line has been drawn). The line now exists, it’s real. I know that I cannot cross it or live my life with anyone on the other side of it. I have finally set a physical boundary. So it doesn’t matter if my husband is telling the truth or not – I now know the boundary. Next time I won’t have to debate it, argue about it or wonder about it. I will recognize the stranger and refuse to let him on my side of the line.

No 4:

Sobriety is life changing

This one I have heard plenty of times and I know my life has changed, but I want to add to this statement. Sobriety is not a phase, it is literally a 180. Everything changes – your routine, point of view, desires, expectations, even all the stuff you thought made up your DNA, your set of values which you believed to be true, all of it takes a 180. I believe when this thought settles in you hart, you have embraced your 180, then and only then can you be free.

Fifth and last:

Time

The thing I find hardest to forgive myself for is the time I have wasted. Today the past is a library of lessons learnt, but it represents a hell of a lot of time wasted. And this has made me stingy with my time. I simply cannot allow myself to sacrifice any more of my life-time on the altar of alcoholism. Not because of my own actions or the actions of others. I will not allow alcohol to deprive me of any more precious time.

Ten slotte: “Do not undervalue the near, when aiming at the far”