Today I woke up feeling unhappy and miserable. I am worried about everything, my mind is all over the place and the sadness has settled in the pit of my stomach. I have trouble at work - the only place I felt safe and stable. I feel so unbalanced. But really I'm just sad. I want to cry today and maybe its about time. I have an overpowering sense of loss. I ordered a book I have been wanting to read for months and its been 4 weeks. It hasn't arrived. It really makes me sad. I should be angry, enquire and search, but I'm crying with disappointment. Every time I visit the mailbox and it's not there I feel empty and powerless. I know it's not the stupid book, but still, I wish it would come.
I miss my mother and my sisters. I miss hot summer days, bathing in the sun with them, laughing carefree - the world my oyster. I miss having fun, laughing from my stomach and feeling calm. I'm tense and uncomfortable in my own skin, my mood and emotions like a rollercoaster. And yes, I know, I'm just a little bit sad. Sad about the things I cannot change, but would really love to, sad about the things I didn't change when I could, sad about the friends I hurt and ultimitely lost, sad about my broken heart and the unfair world.
Today I miss people I don't even know and will allow myself to cry about it.
Koos | February 18, 2011 at 6:12 AM
Dear Sannie
Be easy on yourself - hell be are only human. We took years and years to get to the miserable place we did not want to be and expect to rise to the sober point all dressed up in a matter of a few months...come on, loosen up, smile and enjoy..it,s Fliday...koos