Silly me

When I walked into my first AA meeting on July 8th 2009 - I had no idea what I was in for. Like I had no idea what I was in for when I said "I do", nor did I realise what would happen once I started blogging about my life, my troubles, joys, my mistakes, my bad judgement, my recovery, failure, restarts and momentary peace. I had no idea how much I would change. Or how my view of things may change.
When realising you have a problem with alcohol and admitting it, you also admit that your life had become unmanageable. Now, looking back, I'm not sure what was most unmanageable. Drinking or the chaos I live in now. My life has been turned upside down since the desire to be sober got hold of me. My life is unpredictable and unmanageable. I am depressed, forgetful and completely out of control. I am sad. So incredibly sad that I can feel it chewing away at my insides every second of the day. Yet, I am emotionless and motionless. It's like I am frozen in time too scared to jump off the cliff and into freedom. I haven't been this confused in my entire life. I feel my hearts desire and I know I am the only person with the power to make it stop. the drinking, the emotional blackmail, the financial trouble. Everything. I can make it stop. And I am going to. I am going to face it and see it through even if this time it kills me.

As the saying goes: Dying is nothing to scared of, its not having lived that should scare you.