Adjusting

So it's official. My husband and I are temporarily separated. We are living apart while he is undergoing treatment of all sorts, attending meetings and generally sorting out his messed up life.
But that's all his business.

Now here I am. Stuck in the silence. Some days it feels so good that I want to stay right here where I am and bathe in the peacefulness and chaos-lessness that has suddenly become an everyday occurrence. I want to drink in my me time. My watch stops ticking in the friendly silence. It's bliss.

Other days, like today, the silence is disturbed by echos of the past. The have not's, why not's, should haves and refusals of 10 years of anarchy. I hate these days. They are quiet enough to fool you. The whispers barely audible. But its there. The voices. The self-doubt, guilt, insecurity. I woke up this morning and I just felt cheated and irretated. Angry as hell.

Don't get me wrong. I know what I did was the very best thing for me and my husband. I'm just not always so sure about my daughter. She's 4 and I'm sure she'll be fine. At least she won't have to deal with the dissapointments of active alcoholic parents for the rest of her life. She actually has a chance to have anormal life. My decision has everything to do with it.

Yesterday she told me she had dreamt that she lost her dad. I woke up this morning and wondered, what if we really did? What if temprary becomes permanent? What if I never trust my husband again? What if he doesn't change?

I am so incredibly greatful today that I don't have to answer even a single one of any of the questions spinning through my head today. I only have to deal with what's relevant today. And that is not alot.

I am going to go home to peace and quit. Undevided time and attention for my daughter. I am going to cook dinner and lavish the food with love. I will walk the dog and feed the chickens. I will enjoy my bath and I will have tea in my favourite spot. I will go to bed early, read my inspirations and sleep soundly. For I am in Gods hands. The only reason it hurts is because He is making some adjustments.