Will it ever end

After 2 weeks of the usual agonising hell when I try to get my husband to leave me alone, I am now staying with him in our family home again. Before you sigh - here a the reasons.

He guilt's me about my daughter constantly. This wears me down to a level I cannot explain.

He was kicked out by the friend he stayed with because of a money issue. Understand that I knew from the get go that my husband couldn't possibly rely on that man's help long term - since he drinks brandy and coke from a draft glass. He buys his alcohol in bulk and rarely buys groceries. He is in his forties and his mother still bails him out every time he wrecks a car etc etc. I was hoping that my husband would start looking for a permanent solution while in the interim staying there - apparently not. He was just waiting for me to crack, which now subsequently happened.

So after staying with my sister for the weekend - completely disrupting my tranquil weekend plans, spending valuable time begging him on the phone to actually THINK and make other arrangements - ask his father, anything!, I realised I will not win. I couldn't stay on at my sisters because our youngest sister is staying there and she does not really want me there - made it abundantly clear as well, and I really don't want to cause my older sister any grief. I looked forward to her moving back to SA so much and now all of this.

So at the end of an exhausting weekend I am back home. With him. Either keeping quiet or pretending all is well. What else can I do? If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I am too tired to think. Right now I want to close my eyes and just die.

How can one person be so self absorbed? So disturbed? So mean and cruel that he could try to force the love and respect of someone else by emotionally, verbally and physically torturing them into submission? I love him, but I hate him. Just haven't figured out which is the most. O God I need this to end.

On top of this, my mother has now decided to make things worse. she believes for him - but she has no idea how much of it I will have to bear. Plus I have to go see her and my father this weekend for his birthday.

I think I should just get divorced. No discussing it. No explaining. No nothing. I should just turn around and leave. And never look back. Trying to do this the amicable way has just not worked out for me. I don't even know where to start anymore.