Yesterday I had "one-of-those-days". I just could not face the world. So I called in sick with some lame excuse and moped around all day. My daughter has been acting up again and I really feel it's my fault. I am so depressed and tired all the time I hardly pay any attention to her and when I do it's usually in the form of me being impatient and mean - I dare say.
I have been really having a pity party! I feel so sorry for myself. I even got into an argument with my mother. I'm actually causing my own chaos. I keep having panic attacks about my husband being discharged from rehab and it's still 2 months off. I am so scared that he's going to come out and not have anywhere to go and then start his begging, stalking and emotional draining again. I know this is not something I can control and all I can do is just get myself sorted and ready, but I just wish it was all over. I am procrastinating and hiding. Fear is running my life right now. So here's what I've realised:
1. I am all my daughter has - I need to pull it together.
2. I cannot live in fear for the rest of my life - I need to deal with the stuff that scares me.
3. I cannot let this situation interfere with my job anymore. I have to kill the old pattern.
4. I have to accept the things I cannot change and focus on solving the problems that I have some control over.
5. The relationship is more important than the issue.
6. I have to stop sabotaging myself.
I need to get through this week. One day at a time.
Koos | October 18, 2011 at 11:47 PM
A Member Shares:
Hi, I’m Monica, a sober and grateful alcoholic. I have spent many years regarding magnanimity and people-pleasing as selflessness. Until I came into the program, working it, I considered myself very selfless and felt used. But as I got down to working the Steps, I came to believe that I was a truly self-centered, selfish person and that was also the cause of my fears; fear of living life on life’s terms. I lived in the fear that I would lose what I had and not get what I want. All my actions, thoughts, and words were governed by that fear. Now, as I live one day at a time in vigilant sobriety, I see my actions for what they are and myself for the person I am. I am responsible. And if I want to be free from the bondage of self, I must extend myself selflessly. God's grace which comes to me in abundance, the power that flows in quietly where it is needed will stay with me if I give it away as quietly as it comes in – selflessly, and thinking beyond myself. The gifts are tremendous. Stepping out of myself gives me peace, contentment, happiness, and the feeling of being useful. Feeling this way is beyond my imagination. And it comes from stepping outside of me -- selflessness to the best of my ability. Thank you for letting me share.