Reflection

One thing I like about blogging, is you can actually go back to previous posts and read what you where thinking a year ago. I did just that today - not really a year back, but the time around my husband’s birthday last year. Some history - he had lost his job, had been home for about 2 months, drinking, obviously, when I asked him to please go visit/stay with his father for a couple of weeks. I couldn't stand it anymore. He was so needy it suffocated me.
Anyway, he came back, "sober" one week and full of promises and expectations. I on the other hand had no expectations. In fact I knew I was getting the one over. I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.
Thinking about what has transpired between 12 Nov 2010 and this day, I am filled with grief and resentment. I cannot believe that I actually stuck it out another year. I am so anxious for the divorce to start proceeding and I pray every day that it will be over quickly, not to avoid the pain, but to reach some sort of "It's done". This off course is entirely wishful thinking.
My husband phoned last night (his 10min twice a week phone call) and asked me to please reconsider. He is still basing his entire recovery upon the misguided fact that I will be there waiting for him when he gets out. And everything will be "normal". Whatever the hell that is. What he fails to understand is that nothing from our past life together holds any nostalgic value for me. I don't want to do any of it over or have anything in my life from here on to resemble anything from that time. I do not need any reminders; it's hard enough to forget.
The trouble is - he still does not want to accept, it's over. He still longs for a life that never really existed. Our life together was a sham held together by brute force and a crapload of hope and perseverance. The minute I let go it shattered. Nothing remained. I am done picking through the rubble for something valuable that might have stayed intact. There is nothing.
In Al-Anon we discussed the question: “If you knew before you got married what your life would be like - would you still get married and live that life again for the sake of the love you have for the person?" My answer: a definite NO. I felt a little guilty and weak for not being able to "survive" it again. I'm just not a martyr. I was not born to willingly sacrifice myself and my daughter on a daily basis for all eternity for a single human being who's only interest is to suck the life out of me.
I have way more to give than that.