Nobody wins anymore

I've been really busy trying to cope with my life. I still have not managed to balance things.

Mys husband had his birthday on 11/11. For me it was just another day that started with a small pang of guilt because I did not give him a present and I knew it would be a very bad day for him. See, his birthday used to be a huge event. Usually all at my cost, financially and emotionally. So I have to admit I felt a slight pang of satisfaction that this year it would suck. Cruel, I know.

The weekend was a good one. My garden is finally getting to a point where only maintenance is needed and I had a wonderful afternoon with two good friends who really mean well. It was fun.

On Sunday I had tea with my STBX husband at rehab and allowed my daughter to stay 30 minutes longer than usual. I don't want to be mean or punish my husband, but I know him. The slightest kindness from me looks like a foot in the door to him. So I have to be very strict with enforcing my boundaries. Or the chaos will be back before you know it.

Yesterday I finalised the divorce agreement with the attorney. My husband did not put up a fight. He was very co-operative and amicable. I am very grateful for this. We are signing the final document today. I thought about the weight of this event last night and realised that I am more sure of this decision that I was about the one to marry my husband. Still, the finality of it all is scary. There is some relief though.

In my daughters school they teach the kids that there are no winners and no losers as long as you participate. Perhaps nobody wins in this situation, but according to my upbringing, if no one wins, everybody looses. I think it safe to say it applies here.

I have started doing yoga again to help me sleep at night. It adds to my drive for stability. At least I can also add to the physical now. Emotionally it's still running riot, but my mind gets exhausted, so there are some periods of calm. I appreciate them.

I am looking forward to Christmas for some reason. I will probably only be spending it with my youngest sister and the kids, but this year will be special. I just have a feeling...

Thank you God for calm in my storm.
Thank you God that you provide in all my needs.
Thank you God for my sharp mind, however uncontrollable.
Take the lead today. I lost my map.