Let God do it for you - Step 2

It's been an uphill battle. I am still staying at my sister's house and I'm really building up a resentment to be reckoned with. But I am growing in spite of how horrible the situations is. I have realised that I am still, despite all the lessons learnt, terrible with boundaries. I simply can not enforce them. I feel guilty and selfish and I don't want to offend anyone. O, I am such a welcome mat! So the result has been that I have allowed my soon-to-be-ex husband to emotionally torture me. I don't want to throw the phone down in his ear - even though he literally keeps on the line for more than an hour, begging, promising, repeating himself - because it's bad mannaers. Bad manners - my God, after what he put me through... Anyway, I am avoiding having to throw the phone down by simply not answering it ;-)
Things at work are looking up. I am getting a bit more busy, which helps. I really miss my house, my privacy and my space. My heart really hurts. But strange, I haven't cried or felt the need to.
I started with a project to get my life back into a healthy routine to maybe counter some of the feelings of displacement. It's the third week and I must admit I am feeling better. I also want to start studying again this year. Not another degree, just something nice and fun that I have always been interested in. But now I can't decide whether to do the writing course of the web development course! I always feel very validated when I do well at studying. So I believe what ever I decide, it will probably help to keep me focused and centered. I am also scared of too much hay on the fork - I tend to get so busy that I don't deal with the matters at hand. So I am pacing myself and trusting my higher power to show me the right thing for the right time.
Came to believe that a power greater thatn ourselves could restore aus to sanity... Step 2. I know that God can make me whole again if I let him. I have felt far away from him for some time. After events like these I always feel like He let me down. I don't always understand the "why's". I know I am being moulded for bigger things, but a break would be nice. I have felt his presence more and more lately. It started with my simple - "Enough" and "Thank You" prayer. Now I pray for the alcoholic and my daughter constantly. I am learning to surrender all over again. To complete let go of all my expecations and trusting God to make what ever it is, okay.
I am letting go and letting God. I keep making a mess of it, perhaps it's really time I made it His problem for good.

1 comments:

  • Koos | February 27, 2012 at 4:45 AM

    Hi Sanna

    Great to see you on the board again. It has been a while.

    Go for the Writers Course...I have told you a few times I think you have a way with words and the flow of information.

    The far away part from God..."Who moved?"

    God will only let you down if you let Him...

    Otherwise...Stay in charge of your surroundings...therefor..yourself.

    Good luck