It's a way of life

I moved back into my house this past weekend. It was bittersweet as most things are these days. I was happy to be back, but the circumstances kept knawing at me. It's one thing to wonder if you ar doing the right thing, it's another to know. And I know. There is a sense of freedom and calm in knowing, but also a sense of finality that I have found I don't handle very well. But this too shall pass. The alcoholic still hopes for reconciliation and reminded me it's never to late. Well, he is right about that. It's not too late to get my dose of normal.

I also read an upsetting article about drinking habbits of young children! Yes, you read right and it's no typo. YOUNG children. Read it here Unfortunately only in Afrikaans. Well, I can tell you this much - alcohol will not be a point of negotiation in my house. It's the same as letting your kid do controlled cocaine use! My GOD, what parents children have to deal with.

Crazy thing - I hired a personal trainer! It all started with a stupid mail I got from a friend in January about things to make your year great. One of those impossible new years resolution things. Hiring a personal trainer was on the list. It said: "look the best you ever have". It stuck in my head. One day I discussed the idea with my older sister wondering if it's really worth the money. Big mistake! Turns out she had a trainer in the UK for years (no wonder she looks so good). I was still making excuses when she had already given me the money to pay the deposit! So here I am, stuck with a 18 month paid up gym contract, gyming like an enspired whale. Funny story, when I told my best friend at Al-Anon that I'm training with a PT her only response was: "So can you walk...?" I might have bitten off more than I can chew, because honest answer to that question is: "Not really".
Anyway, I'm sure I will survive. I have so many times, most things much worse than a tight butt.

I have really been doing well since I realised that my problem really was not alcohol, but the alcoholic. Somehow the AA way of life is even easier to follow now. Also, Al-Anon makes more sense. Don't get me wrong - I so don't condone my past behaviour at all and neither do I grant myself the luxury of blaming the alcoholic for all my wrong doings, no, I just finally accepted that my behaviour really was crazy and eratic and that I need the Steps - from which ever side of the coin. It works, it really does.

The steps had tought me the value of taking one "step" at a time. Dealing with one issue at a time, one day at a time. The importance of having routine and structure. I surround myself with positive energy, I make time for special people and I dare to care. When something resembles a crisis and chaos, I grab it, measure it to the serenity prayer and remove the sting. Life is so much more simple this way.

For the first time in a very long time I can honestly say I have hope. I don't have hope for something or someone to change, I just have hope that it will be better - which every way my Higher Power decides. Today I'm just hoping for enough.

I wish you enough sun
to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain
to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness
to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain
so that the smallest joys in life
appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain
to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss
to appreciate all you possess.
I wish you enough hellos
to get you through the final goodbye.

*- Bob Perks