It's been a long year.

I thought long and hard on where to begin. I concluded the beginning would be a good place.

Almost exactly a year ago I moved back to our home and my Soon To Be Ex (still), moved out. Promising, that this time it will be different.

I had left the Rocky Horror show I called my new job and went as far away from Research and Development as I could get. My days of lab ratting and gathering government dust was over. So on my 32 birthday I started in the corporate world. Which at present I can still say, was the best thing I have ever done.
So that's work.

My dear daughter started in Grade 1 in January. Frankly, I am still not over it.
She's so grown up.

During the past year the following also unfortunately happened.

My STBX moved back into our house while I was on Holiday with my daughter in April. My neighbor phoned and asked where I was because there was a lot going on at my house. So I knew.
Ends up, he and is junkie friends where having a ball, and yes he moved back in.

I was so tired of fighting I just left it. I gave him 3 months to sort his crap out. He had me so fooled that after the 3 months was over, not only had I let him move back into our bedroom, I truly believed again - that he had changed.

September I chucked him out again and he promised this time, it would be long term, at least a year and he would sort his life, job etc out and then we could work at it. I paid 2 months rent for him to help him out and even went for more counseling as recommended by the Family Advocate. My dad told me shortly after:"You know when the 2 months are up he's just going to come back, right?". And I was adamant, he promised. This time was different.

So 2 months later, on the 28th of October 2012, after screaming at me on the phone for 2hrs the previous night, he marched in there at 7 in the morning, making it very clear that I have no right to throw him out of his own house. Now everyone who's ever had one of those 'enough' moments, will understand the calm that came over me at that moment. It was very clear. I calmly answered that he was right. He was welcome to move back in, but that I had made a decision to not live under the same roof as him as long as he refuses to change.

I packed everything I owned (actually what I could move in one go), into 4 boxes and 2 suitcases and I left.
This time I did not flee to my sister's house, well just for a while to find a new place, no I signed a lease and I moved into my own place. I also stopped paying for anything at the old house which really caused a lot of pleading and begging.

I've only realized lately, what has really happened the past 4 months. Moving, going to Germany, being seriously ill, the new job, my kid starting school. I can only say that by the grace of God alone did I survive, because I was on definite autopilot.  I learned what it really meant to say: I can't, He can, let Him.

Now, after surviving all this, I can finally look forward to getting divorced this year. I am 12kg's lighter (I survived the personal trainer), I don't have curtains, but I am happy and I live without fear. My employer even pays for an aupair to take some pressure off me since my new job is quite demanding.

I am blessed and I am back.