Normal

It is difficult for people who have not dealt with an Alcoholic to really understand what the family goes through. I mean hell, even us unfortunates who has had to deal with it don't always understand.

I am settled in my new place. Settled at this point means I have a table, curtains and a bed. I am happy. My daughter is doing so well at school and with the first term at an end I wonder what happened to the time. We have some huge fights every now and then and I struggle to remember she's only six. I completely lose it when she says she'd rather stay with her father. The thing is, there she is allowed whatever she likes. At my house we have rules... So I'm not even stating the obvious. I know this too shall pass and I have to guard against resentment, but I have to work hard at being more calm about it. My anger is ruining our relationship. I am angry at her for still liking him and as insane as that sounds it's the truth. And I need to deal with it. Regardless of what he has done, he is her father. That is on my list of "things I cannot change" for obvious reasons.

Work has been incredible. I have worked really hard since I started my new job. Beginning of April I will have been there one year. I got promoted 2 weeks ago which really only means I have more work. Work makes me happy. I am good at it. I understand it. I can manage it. I can submerge myself in it for 12 hours every day and not deal with the things I really want and miss in my life. Every so often I come up for air, and there is reality, unchanged. I am lonely. I almost never see my daughter during the week. I feel guilty because I don't want my life to change.

I dislike the fact that I am lonely. But after more than 5 years in a give, give, give relationship I am emotionally deprived. I want to have someone, but I have nothing to give. I have both my sisters close, the crazy younger one actually turned 30 last week - only by the Grace of God. This helps, but I want someone special. One thing that I have learned is that I have an exceptional capacity to love. If I did not, I would never have stuck it out in my marriage as long as I have. I still love my STBX, but it's the kind of love you have for someone close who is dying. It's not the love that kept me believing, hoping and helping for so long. That left. Long ago.

The thing is I met someone. And he is nice. He leaves me be with the insane hours I work. He does not expect any sort of emotional commitment. He's just there. Now, things are getting a little complicated, because I don't want it to go anywhere, but our relationship makes me feel. I have not felt a single emotion in half a decade. I have been angry for half a decade! I have accepted my alcoholic STBX will not change. I have accepted that my earthly belongings are gone. I have accepted that I am powerless - that took bloody long. But I have not felt. I have not cared. And I do. And he does. Take it slow, stop, think. Don't over complicate things. God, what are these people saying! I have absolutely no idea what a normal functioning relationship should be like. And I am in no place to go through how it shouldn't be. So I am seriously considering running. But I don't want to lose my friend. I realize that most of what I have learned from Alanon will now have to be applied constantly. First thing is, that I cannot allow what happened in my past to dictate my future. I need to keep being honest with my friend about my inability to trust and some of the other things I still struggle with. He does not understand alcoholism. He does not understand Alanon and why I insist on still going to my weekly meetings now that the alcoholic is gone. He doesn't mind it, he just doesn't understand it.

I have been looking forward to 'normal' for as long as I can remember, but I have come to the conclusion it's not all it's cracked up to be. Just listen to this definition:

NORMAL -Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

My life is nowhere near normal. Not in my head anyway.

Putting myself "out there" is scary, but I read this this morning:

Courage is Fear that said it's prayers.

I cannot hide from getting hurt, I will never be normal, but I find being happy comes a little bit easier and for now, that 'feels' normal enough.