Being of service

quotes on freedom photo: be free be-free-fill-the-freedom.jpgThis past Friday (Good Friday) I was asked to share at the 2013 Convention. I could not decide what to really speak about. I don't like my story or telling it. I never feel as if it makes a difference. Has any meaning.
I decided to stick to what Alanon has meant to me. The self-worth I have gained. The fact that I have learned and accepted that it's ok to ask for help sometimes. I did not have to go through anything alone anymore. Someone asked where my daughter was and I said I left her with a friend because "they where too involved in playing". How have I missed this in my life. Laughing, happiness, spontaneity, fun! Having your heart soar and knowing you are worth something to someone.
Our "How Alanon Works" book has a share in the back and it has my favorite part: " there is something so healing about being treated as if you matter".
My life has been grey, dull and mostly on hold for the last decade, waiting for the alcoholic to make a decision. I eventually made my own. My life is too important to waste waiting for someone elses decisions - even if it is someone I dearly love.
What struck me was the response of the people afterwards. Somehow my story gives hope to so many and I can only thank my Higher Power that in some off and weird and sad way there was method in the madness. Maybe if I can only save one person, give hope to one mother, spare one child this life, I have accomplished something. My life and my story get's meaning.

My friend and I had a serious discussion and the fact that I am not formally divorced yet has wedged us apart. With reason I suspect. It made me so angry. For 12 years my life was on hold waiting to feel loved and wanted and the alcoholic made it impossible. And somehow even separated and emotionally being divorced for almost 2 years, he still controls what happens. But after moping for a day I know it's not anger. It's sadness. For the things I cannot change and the lost lives of so many because of this disease. It's so much bigger than a new boyfriend.
I can only pray that I will stay involved with playing and share my message of hope with those in need. To be of service and give what I have so generously received in the Rooms. By sharing my experience, strength and hope I may be happy, joyous and free.

" Sometimes you have to lose your mind to be free" Anonymous

2 comments:

  • Koos | April 3, 2013 at 7:27 AM

    Hi Sanna

    This is so true:


    Wilhelm Jordaan
    Stapsgewyse ontboeseming is heilsamer
    2013-04-02 23:00

    Artikelopsies
    Deel
    Kry Beeld op

    [Wilhelm Jordaan] Al eeue lank vermoed mense hul gesondheid het iets te doen met die bereidheid om openhartig oor hulself te wees. Bieg oor foute en misdrywe en taalidiome oor ontboeseming is tekenend daarvan.

    Die Psalmdigter het daaroor geskryf: “Toe ek geswyg het, het my gebeente uitgeteer, in my gebrul die hele dag... my murg het verander soos deur somergloed.”

    Die wetenskap sê vandag iets soortgelyks – onpoëties, maar presieser: Hoe meer ’n mens swyg oor wat swaar op die hart lê, hoe groter is die kanse om opgesaal te wees met chroniese liggaamlike klagtes soos lae rugpyn, hoofpyn, hoë bloeddruk, dubbelvisie en spierpyne. Jy is ook vatbaarder vir ernstiger liggaamlike siektes en vir angs en neerslagtigheid.

    Mense wat hul gevoelens onderdruk, skei ook onvoldoende hoeveelhede van ’n stresweerstandige hormoon af en dit benadeel doeltreffende streshantering.

    Swyers het ook laer vlakke van siekte-bevegtende selle in hul immuunstelsel wat hulle vatbaarder vir sommige aansteeklike siektes maak.

    Daar is ’n swyertoets. Swyers stem saam met stellings soos: “Ek is dikwels bang ek sal iets oor myself laat glip; As ek my geheime met vriende deel, sal hulle minder van my hou of dink; Daar is baie dinge wat ek maar liewer vir myself hou; As slegte dinge met my gebeur, noem ek dit vir niemand nie.”

    Mense leer natuurlik om te swyg – soms omdat hul ontboesemings nie met die nodige vertroulikheid en begrip gehanteer is nie. Jy het gesmag na intieme mededeling, maar die gevolg daarvan was benadeling en verwerping op subtiele en minder subtiele maniere.

    Dis soos die skrywer John Powell sê: “I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and that’s all I have.”

    Om openhartiger oor jouself te wees ter wille van jou gesondheid maak net sin waar daar vertroue bestaan en as ’n mens veilig voel om volkome eerlik en weerloos te wees.

    Sulke openhartigheid is iets anders die onsinnige, naïewe ontboesemingskultus wat al hoe meer voorkom – waar die beginsel om jouself vir ander oop te stel verander word tot ’n eindelose gebabbel oor jouself – teenoor haarkappers, kroegmanne, medepassasiers op busse en treine, op Facebook en Twitter enso(kwetterend)voort.

    Wie so chronies klets, is selde ’n vertroubare gespreksmaat en sal waarskynlik met dieselfde gemak as wat hulle oor hulself praat, ook oor jou praat, veral waar jy nie by is nie.

    Ontboeseming vra berekende openhartigheid. Dit geskied stapsgewys – ’n bietjie van jouself en ’n bietjie vertroue op ’n slag en dan kom daar algaande ’n uitstrekkende horison van verruklike, mededeelbare betekeniswêrelde.

    Klink daarop ’n glasie: Gesondheid!

  • Anonymous | April 13, 2013 at 11:46 PM

    Touche. Great arguments. Keep up the amazing spirit.


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