Day 11: Stuck on Step 1

This morning I am wondering about something else: What if I get happy? What if I don’t feel miserable 99% of the day? What if my husband is sober? What if I have no crisis, no issue and no hassle? What if all of this turns out the way I want it and I hate it?


I wonder how much I will laugh at myself when I go back on these writings a year from now. “How crazy you where” I would probably think.

I went out with my husband last night to chat and have a coffee. It was really strange, I am really happy that he contacted AA and that he is going to a meeting and that he has forgiven me for my part in the fiasco we call our marriage. But I sat there last night, wondering how I got there. Suddenly all I could imagine was a glass of wine in front of me. I imagined myself ordering it, anticipating it, taking that first sip. I didn’t, but I just sat there most of the evening, not really knowing what to say. What do you say when you recognise nothing around you? What do you say to someone who essentially has become a stranger? I am not unwilling to save my marriage. I still love my husband. But I am slow. I am scared that I am too slow for him. I am scared that he might me too fast for himself.

I just don’t see the quick fix. I don’t get how talking about is helps. I have an overwhelming need for silence. It feels like I can’t think. The things my husband say has no impact. I can actually see the words coming out of his mouth, recognising them as words I have longed to hear, but they disappear. They float away in the air like they where never spoken. I don’t believe. I can’t trust, because I don’t care. I care, but I don’t care. Does that even make sense? What I mean is, I want everything to be better, but RIGHT NOW, I don’t care. He can go have a revenge cheat for all I care; there’s just nothing left to loose for me. He wants me to speak to him honestly about how I feel, but how do you say that to someone without it making everything worse - I'm just not there yet.

I keep thinking I have passed step 1, really passed it and moved on. And then something happens like last night. I sat there torn between the unknown and the insane feeling that I really don’t want things to change and knowing that if they didn’t I would die. Step 1 requires me to admit that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable. Somehow I thought that it would become more manageable after admitting that. It hasn’t. So many great things have happened. My father and I had such a great time sober. He looks so determined to stay sober. My husband is trying and I am still sober, why am I still not managing – even a little better that almost 2 weeks ago?

Maybe I have admitted I am powerless but not accepted that I cannot control everything. Today I will do nothing except ACCEPT.