I have realised that some things cannot be changed. No matter what you think about them, how often you think about them, how many hours you lay awake or how many approaches you take. It is what it is. That is the way of addiction. And I hate it. It makes me angry because it affects so many aspects of my life. Why do I have to go through this while other 'normal' people cruise through life wholesome and happy? Why is being happy such an intense effort for me? Why do I have to analise everything, avoid most things and conciously make an effert to just have a normal functional day? I just doesn't seem fair. Did I mention I hate it?
I feel like my only solution will be to go away, start over, get divorced or kill myself. Which all seem like a lot of effort and strain for just a little bit of peace and happiness. Not to mention all the explaining I'll have to do. And O, God, am I tired of explaining myself. Why should I have to? Why is changing such a big deal? I just don't want to be linear, boring, destructive and drunk anymore. Why is that so difficult? Why is accepting that I am colourfull, funny and dependable such a huge thing for other people? Why do other people matter so much?
When will this stop? When will I feel better about what I am doing? When will it feel more like living and less like stuggling? When? Why? How? O, God I need a break.
Julia | August 7, 2010 at 6:19 AM
Hi! As I was leaving a comment my internet cut out so this might be a duplicate. I'm grateful for living alone so there is no alcohol in my house. It must be so difficult to have drink so close by. At a meeting last week someone shared that whenever we are feeling overwhelmed by our situation we should focus on doing something for someone else. Maybe when your husband is drinking that could be a cue for you to focus on doing something for somebody. Just a thought...