Day 85

I realise more and more every day that life mostly revolves around removing obstacles from your path. I attempted to remove one yesterday, I think I might have succeeded. I am desperately trying to stay sober. And it's hard. I live in constant fear and anguish and when my husband wants to have a drink I am incapable of saying no, so I want to run away, when I should be a little bit selfish and stand my ground. I don't want the stuff to come into my house. I need to stay away from it as far as humanly possible. Because I am scared of what alcohol is capable of stealing from me. I cannot explain to anybody what alcohol does to me. The only truth I have is the difference between how I felt when drinking and how I feel now, not drinking. And I cannot put it into words. Somehow I remain incapable of explaining this to my husband. But I think on some level he understands because he experienced the change. And even though it's hard for him to see me change, I think he likes the person I am when I am sober. And that persuades him to support me. It's like this, either he tolerates me being a pain for a while until I am stronger - or I start drinking again and remain an overall pain until I mercifully drink myself to death. I think he's opting for option one.

I started doing yoga again this morning - and I am incredibly stiff. I struggled with every single movement, but it was a relief to quiet my mind and breathe. I had forgotten how much I like yoga. I thought I would struggle and I was prepared for the buzz in my head, but my mind wanted to be quiet and still. It was wonderfully peaceful.

I really like - no LOVE - being sober. My greatest wish is that everybody around me will also love me being sober as much as I do or leave me alone.

I sincerely did not expect sobriety to be so draining and tiring emotionally. I suppose my intoxicated brain had lost sight of the huge amount of baggage it was carrying. I won't carry it anymore. But leaving it behind without contemplating it's fate is a work in progress for me. Even though I despise the intoxicated me - I feel sad to let her go. She really was hopeless and sad.

Koos sent me a link yesterday after my outburst and this is what I read:

Frequently, managing anger is closely related to identifying and meeting your needs. When your needs are not being met or your rights are being violated, it can cause frustration and anger, particularly for alcoholics and addicts who spent years ignoring their basic needs in pursuit of their drug of choice.

It really speaks to me. The root of a lot of my anger and frustration lies in this. It is hard to be positively selfish (because while drinking Ihad no problem just being selfish), when you have to still consider the ones nearest and dearest - people already massively deprived of your attention and affection. But if they are sabotaging you attempts to stay sober, they cannot stay. It really is a matter of life and death. I need to draw a line. Drinking on one side, sobriety on the other. I have to stay on one side. There are no half measures in rebirth. I have to stop sulking over what I am "loosing" and celebrate what I am gaining. I needed to remind myself that what I actually gave up - was something I did not want. Something I haven't wanted for the longest time. And I am worth this struggle. And for now, loving myself as much as I possibly can is all that really matters. All the others will learn to love me given time.

So yes, I believe I succeeded in removing an obstacle. Me. As I have said before - I am my own worst enemy. From today I will try, one day at a time, to make a friend out of this enemy. She's really not such bad company at all.