Anyway, my blog is fixed (readable) again, think I changed it one time too many and screwed it up a bit. Sorry. Hope it's better.
So here's what I got from Koos this morning. I swear - if I didn't know any better, I would be sure Koos is psychic:
Humility
On his desk, Dr. Bob had a plaque defining humility:
"Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble.
It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore;
to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.
It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised,
it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door
and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness,
when all around and about is seeming trouble."
[attributed to Andrew Murray, South African Missionary, 1828-1917]
~ Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, p. 222
I wish I had read it some time during this weekend. I am losing myself. I am allowing my husband's fate to become mine. I am letting go. I feel exceptionally alone, because I fear the judgement of others. I am so tired of feeling and being judged when I try so hard. I am so tired of feeling responsible for my husband even though I know I'm not. I am tired of my silence. I am tired of being scared and depressed all the time. This is not what sobriety is supposed to feel like. I should be free, on a road of discovery and healing. Instead I am lost, hiding in the dark and avoiding the inevitable. Where do you start looking for a lost sole? I haven't been to a meeting in some time and I know I should go to one - quickly. It would be nice if someone - who really cared - just phone and asked: "How are you". Sometimes I'm too scared to phone, don't know what to say, but I have a need to be cared for. By anybody. Somebody.
Am I a basket case? No really, if someone out there could give some perspective on this situation , enlighten me, because I have LOST my mind...
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