Sobriety is interfering with my life

When I opened my eyes this morning, I really wished my life was just a bad dream and I had finally woken up. Alas, here I - am after weeks of not blogging (the first sign) and weeks of trying to shake a cold, very little sleep, fairly poor diet and mental and emotional turmoil - hungover. Yip. This is me coming to you live from rock bottom again. Suffocating in my own failure and lack of discipline. Unwilling to start again for pure fear of screwing it up again. More than willing to crawl into a dark hole to avoid hurting anyone else and dealing with my bad behaviour again. And I know this is just the beginning.
Because you see - if I don't lift my head and force my shoulders back, this will only be the start of living a double life (again), loosing trust and respect (again), ending up lonely and bitter (again). I hate this me. She has ruined my soul for so many years. She has sowed her seeds of destruction all over my life. I was happy. Briefly. But really happy and now it's all gone again. Truthfully it had been a while since I really cared. I had been anticipating this day for some time now. I relished the idea of giving up, quiting, A.W.O.L-ing from my life. Feeling myself die off everyday. And now I have surrendered. It doesn't really feel as good as I thought. It's just painfully familiar. I no longer believe that I am capable of recovy. Sobriety is a dream slightly outside my reach. I have lost faith. I'm not particularly sure when or where. But I woke up this morning and it had left without leaving a note.
I can't remeber why I started this blog or how I felt when I did, but today, this page is probably the only place I can actually be truthfull. I'm strangely glad I gave up. Suppose it's a weight off my shoulders. I can't be the real me. It's too much of a shock and hassle for others. It's too much of an issue. Feeling emotions is really overrated.

So I will be removing the clock. We are no longer at 100+ accident free days...