In the know

Yesterday I had a feeling something was about to happen/change. I kept having the feeling I should be home. Like waiting for someone. I went to bed last night and messaged my husband that I miss him and love him.
3:45am I woke up startled, thinking I had heard someone knock. No one. So I went back to bed, almost asleep, when the phone rings. He was standing outside the door at 4 am hoping to come home. It was his birthday.

We spent some time chatting before I had to go to work. It went well.

This is what bothers me though: He was very anxious to show me all the stuff he had brought us and give us the presents etc. Maybe he was just nervous, I don't know. When I came home from work he had put in my new pond and it was nice. But something is missing. We sat chatting - actually more him telling me how much he's changed and me listening quietly except for when I really disagree. Something is not right.

I believe that when you change on that level of 180 that only God can do, you don't need to tell people. They will know. I don't know. Not deep down inside where I should have peace about the matter. My husband has been home for 1 day (truly sober for a bit more than a week), but chaos still follows him. Disruption, lack of function, no routine and still the same issues, car, uif, interviews, etc. And even though I know that these are all necessary things, I just don't want it anymore. It's like I time warped 3 weeks back and the only difference is he is now confused from the drugs and not alcohol. I don't want his issues to disturb the calm, quiet routine little life I had carved out for myself.  I wanted him to walk through the door, shining with newness from a mile away. To be calm, quiet and real. But he still drinks too much of his medication, suffers from confusion and apart from bible study twice a day, I can't really detect a feasible plan.

So I don't know. The only thing I think I really know, is that... I don't know.