Powerlessness and beyond

Step one teaches us that we are powerless over alcohol. Indeed the truth, whether it is your own drinking or that of someone else. I have given my power to God regarding my own drinking and it has been liberating. It seems though, that when it comes to the Al-Anon side of it - I struggle. I have tried everything to control my husbands drinking, from controlling his finances in the early days, to home breathalyzer kits in the end, to doing absolutely nothing except playing the martyr every time he acted out. Nothing worked - as can be expected. So I have put him in God's hands. I pray that his eyes will open an that he will realise that he has already lost me and that even sobriety at this point cannot turn back the hands of the clock. O, that dear clock. The very same one I had attempted to force into reverse so many times. Spilled milk, that's what it is. No amount of begging, crying, bargaining or any length of sobriety can turn back the time. The sooner we let go, the easier and the faster we move forward.
Which brings me to my point today. I am powerless over my husbands drinking. There are however things I do have power over.
1. I am allowed to refuse to let the chaos back into my life. I have power over my boundaries.
2. I am allowed and expected to make better choices for myself.
3. I do not have to believe that my husband's intentions are pure to forgive him. I have the power to let go.
4. I do not have to stay in a destructive relationship because I am a christian.
5. I am not a failure because I could not "fix" my marriage.
6. I am not weak because I am human.
7. It's never too late to make the right decision and see it through. I have the power to do what I say.
8. I can control how I react to the situations arising from my decisions. I have the power to be kind, even though I feel hurt.
9. I am able to forgive someone without allowing them back in to my life. I have the power to forgive.
10. It's not selfish to choose the light. I have the power to choose.

Today I am doing something I should have done a long time ago. Accepting that I cannot change my husband. I have no power over the alcohol that controls him. I am starting divorce proceedings today. It's time. There really are no more chances or love left, in fact, love doesn't really have anything to do with it. I will not be visiting him in rehab, not yet. I am also not ready to tell him whats coming. He might decide there's no point in sticking to rehab then. Believe it or not, I want him to get better, even if it's just to make it easier to divorce him.

I am by no means in a good place today, but I am in a place. It's up to me to choose the best route out of this place. I have the power to move forward. Isn't that really all we need to do?

I am only one;
but still I am one.
I cannot do everything, 
but I can do something.
I will not refuse to do
the something I can do.
- Helen Keller