Scared, Frustrated

My husband decided to leave rehab a bit early. He would have finished 13 December which would have given him ample time to still look for a place to stay etc. But, unfortunately, after an incident he decided not to go back to rehab and stayed in his car, a b&b and has now turned the guilt on flat out.

I am not going to let him stay with us. I am divorcing the man! What part of "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" is so difficult to understand. Does he maybe think divorce is something easily done and undone? That I made the decision during a passing tantrum?

If only he had been witness to what I went through the last 3 months. First, the shock, the disappointment of being replaceable, to realise maybe I never even featured. After crying about that, I had to get a grip of firstly myself, then my life all the while being strong for my daughter. I was forced to face all my demons. I had no one to solve my problems, calm me down or give advice. It was just me and God. And it scared the Hell out of me. Literally. It has been the most exhausting 3 months of my life. At the same time, it was liberating. I finally made decisions I should have made years ago. I felt like I got a second chance. I could finally break the cycle and learn how to 'live". Does my husband think, for one second, that I would declare all of this experience NULL and VOID and just go back to being his slave, slut and door mat? Not in this lifetime.

I am strong. I am determined. I will not tolerate being harassed into submission.

Thank you God for the strength you give me everyday. Always just enough to make me do what I need to do. I depend upon you today for calm, an open mind, a soft tongue and deliberate intention.

2 comments:

  • Koos | December 2, 2011 at 1:05 AM

    Hi Sanna...stick to your guns...go to your 13 September "blog"...
    Regards

  • Anonymous | December 2, 2011 at 1:14 AM

    Hi Alkie

    And so you touch this limit, something happens and you suddenly can go a little bit further. With your mind power, your determination, your instinct, and the experience as well, you can fly very high.

    Ayrton Senna