On the first year anniversary of my divorce I am contemplating the way forward for me - relationship wise. I cannot help to wonder why the notion of meeting your soul mate has become such a ridiculed idea. I am a hopeless romantic. As a female engineer I am well aware of how to steel myself before stepping into a mans world every morning. There is no room for emotions, romance and care in my work day. I have to be every bit as brazen and thick skinned as the men I deal with everyday.

But this does not change my wiring. I am a woman. We are emotional beings. Caring is primal. And no matter your academic intelligence or environment of employ, or how well you have adapted to survive in it or with how much practiced precision you leave your day at the front door to transform into mom - this fact does not change -we woman care.

Is it so abominable to think that I just want to be loved and cared for when I am home in my safe environment? Is a Prince Charming really so far fetched? Why is it considered weak to want to be cherished? To see someone light up when you enter a room - every day!? To want to take that affection and guard it with all your heart because as you receive you cannot do anything but give.
A relationship in which one blissful moment can be motivation enough to stick it out in a hundred darker moments.

I don't want the Jones's life with the house, car and tree, the barking dog and the 2.5 children. I don't need a shiny ring on my finger or pictures of an expensive costume party doubling a s wedding on my walls. I just want someone to connect with on a deep and lasting level. I just want a genuine person not distracted by the bling and empty lure of modern day life. An old soul who still values good art and literature to the point of wanting to discuss it and relate to it or at least smile while I do. Someone who knows that what matters is not what we acquire or collect in the physical and material world - but the pictures in our memories shared with a likeminded soul. To whom home really is where the heart is and comfort is found in each others arms. Someone who will look at the package ME and love every bit of it unconditionally.

Have we all become so shallow and desolate that we cannot recognize true honest love when it hits us between the eyes? Has the word 'love' become so barren that it is incapable of stirring the heart to hope? I cannot, more so will not, accept this as my truth.
For a fleeting moment in my universe the notion of going through the painful process of elimination of non-soul mates look too daunting to dare, but I cannot live in fear. I will not stop believing that for every kettle there's a lid and a life worth brewing. I won't settle for less than life.

I want to feel and in all that is forever I cannot be the only one who believes in a message in a bottle and a star crossed destiny.

"When you find someone who can make you Laugh. Smile. Grow. Lust. Want. Crave. Feel. Make you Mad but Happy. Keep that. That's Euphoria."

Ek het Commitment Issues...ja, daar is dit nou uit. Ten minse weet ek dis een van my probleme. Maar hoe anders gemaak? Na meer as 'n dekade van my alie af probeer om iets te maak werk stap mens mos nie net blindelings in 'n ding in nie. Wat help ondervinding wat deur pyn en leiding opgedoen is as jy dit nie gaan gebruik nie? Ek het myself belowe (en regtig gehoop) dat as ek weer in 'n verhouding is dit anders sal wees. Ek is beslis anders. Ek het myself regtig in de laaste paar jare gevind en eerlik om te besef dis 2 jaar sedert my laast post...wow....maar ek het goeie vordering gemaak. Hel, ek was tot vir 0.00003sec in die eweigheid van veraltyd actually gelukkig. Ek klou aan daardie vlietende oomblik vir lewe en dood party dae. Want die lewe gebeur en buiten die eks alkoholis het ek nog 'n paar ander wat ek nie so maklik kan skei nie. Een daarvan my pa - maar dis regtig 'n storie vir 'n ander dag en die ander een my baas wat quite frankly seker die pot aan die kook hou so ek is nie altyd so gewillig om die hand te byt wat my voer nie. Maar dit vat nogal 'n hele paar "How important isit?-s" en "Breathe-s" per dag. En dit is uitputtend.

Maar die hoof Knersis is my verhouding. My vriend is wonderlik. Hy werk hard daaraan om aandag te gee aan my gevoelens. Hy het sy eie kruiwaentjie vol strooi om saam te sloeg so ek probeer om nie te veeleisend te wees nie. Maar dit gese - daar bly so 'n lee ou gat in my wat net nie wil vol nie. Elke keer as ek dink ek beweeg emosioneel nader aan hom, se hy iets soos hoe baie hy sy vryheid geniet en onmiddelik spiraal ek terug in my ou manier van dink....mmmm waar pas ek in die prentjie in?

Ek wil net belangrik wees vir iemand. Enige iemand op die stadium. Ek wil iemand he wat uit sy pad gaan vir my, net soms. Miskien is die oplossing dat ek minder uit my pad gaan. Dan sal ek dalk nie so te na gekom voel wanneer ek dit nie terug kry nie. Miskien is die antwoord wel dat die antwoord bietjie meer gereeld NEE moet wees.

Ek het geen begeerte aan 'n Joneses lewe met 'n huis, 'n kar en 'n boom en 3 hieper goed opgevoede orrelpyp kindertjies en 'n gemoedelike man aan wie ek baie 'na' is nie. Nee, ek wil net nie alleen eet en elke aand alleen gaan slaap nie. Ek wil he my kind moet inpas in my nuwe verhouding. Want meer as enigiets is ek haar mamma. Ek het harde klippe gekou om haar uit 'n situasie te haal waar ons in vrees en onsekerheid gelewe het en ek sal nooit daarvoor om verskoning vra nie. Dis waarskynlik die enigste regte besluit wat ek in die laaste dekade geneem het. Maar iets omtrent my nuwe verhouding steek my dwars in die krop. Dis 'n daaglikse keuse tussen hom en my kind. Miskien is dit nie Commitment Issues nie maar 'n gesonde begrip vir wanneer iets op 'n dealbreaker afstuur. Ek gaan nooit "nie" 'n ma wees nie. Dis tog nie nuwe nuus nie? Hoe kan ek my toekomstige geluk baseer op 'n plan wat haar nie insluit nie? So nou nog sowat 10 jaar van eintlik alleen wees - om dan wat? ...weg te gaan? Ja oor 10 jaar is sy 18 en dalk bly om van my onslae te wees. Maar ek kan nie saam met iemand wees en terselfdertyd nie saam met iemand wees nie. Ek is 'n package deal. Ek dink dit pas hom goed, want hy hoef tot absoluut niks te commit nie. Hy deal net met die lekker. Want as mens mekaar eventualy gesien kry, probeer jy hard om nie onsmaaklik te wees nie. Maar dan terug in die regte lewe is eknog net so alleen, dra ek nog net so eensaam aan my individuele las.

Miskien is my verwagtinge te hoog, maar selfs emosineel gestremde mensie soos ek moet bieg g'n mens is gemaak vir alleen wees. Ons is veronderstel om saam nie sakke sout te eet. Almal wil by iemand anders huis he. Ek wil behoort. By iemand. Baie graag.

Ek wens die moeilike vra het makliekr antwoorde gehad. Maar dit het nie. En dit gaan nie verander nie. Al wat ek weet is dat ek nie weer my drome gaan uitstel of begrawe vir 'n ander persoon nie. "My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else's decisions, even if it is someone I dearly love".

Ek weet nie. Miskien wil ek al die goed ook net hardop se. Dit help al klaar.

 

What bull shit! No strings attached? Can someone please explain to me how you have any form of relationship with anyone and not have strings attached? Is this what society boils down to? Meaningless, attachment-less, empty acquaintances?

The STBX has been harassing me lately about 'just looking'. I need to somehow commit, but not commit to trying to see how he has changed, but I don't have to do anything. WTF? Seriously? Its like standing next to a rotary blade to see how it works and sticking your hand in it! How can you commit to something and not really commit? Obviously (well to me), if I agree to see how he has changed, that implies that I am interested in what is happening or has happened in his life? Frankly I am not, at all. So please, correct me if I am wrong, but I smell a rat trap...it reeks of manipulation.
It's too late. I know people keep saying 'it's never to late', but I sincerely beg to differ. There are just some situations and relationships that cannot be remedied. I don't want to have any from of relationship with him apart from being civil when attending to matters of our daughter. Why can he not understand that I am done. That I have a right to be done. That regardless of what he and society generally believe to be right or wrong about divorce etc, I don't have to agree or follow the norm. I have sorted my decision with God. And just because I believe different than he does, does not neccesarily make either of us wrong or right.
It took me years to get his foot out the door, fuck I had to get a new door! How stupid does he think I am? With him it's not "strings attached' more like a noose...

My friend and I have been taking things slow. It works. Sort off. But once again, it feels like a rather pointless exercise. Due to all the uncertainty there will be no attaching. It's just too high risk. What is THAT? How do you try a new relationship but you are so paralyzed by fear that you just cause more damage? Is the mature option not rather backing off then? Why am I the only person on this godforsaken planet that still believes in all or nothing? You cannot be HALF my friend and if being a whole friend is high maintenance or demanding, then obviously you do not have the energy to remotely come close to fulfilling a single one of my needs. I have wasted enough time on people not willing to love. (Note all the aggression...not really a good week.)

I have grown so fond of my friends in Alanon. I would walk through fire for them. How do you survive a war and not have strings attach? How do you share so many common joys and pains and not be attached? You can't.

There are strings attached to everyone that crosses your path. We are all somehow entwined even if it just through our need to survive. There is always strings attached, whether we like it or not.