Ek het Commitment Issues...ja, daar is dit nou uit. Ten minse weet ek dis een van my probleme. Maar hoe anders gemaak? Na meer as 'n dekade van my alie af probeer om iets te maak werk stap mens mos nie net blindelings in 'n ding in nie. Wat help ondervinding wat deur pyn en leiding opgedoen is as jy dit nie gaan gebruik nie? Ek het myself belowe (en regtig gehoop) dat as ek weer in 'n verhouding is dit anders sal wees. Ek is beslis anders. Ek het myself regtig in de laaste paar jare gevind en eerlik om te besef dis 2 jaar sedert my laast post...wow....maar ek het goeie vordering gemaak. Hel, ek was tot vir 0.00003sec in die eweigheid van veraltyd actually gelukkig. Ek klou aan daardie vlietende oomblik vir lewe en dood party dae. Want die lewe gebeur en buiten die eks alkoholis het ek nog 'n paar ander wat ek nie so maklik kan skei nie. Een daarvan my pa - maar dis regtig 'n storie vir 'n ander dag en die ander een my baas wat quite frankly seker die pot aan die kook hou so ek is nie altyd so gewillig om die hand te byt wat my voer nie. Maar dit vat nogal 'n hele paar "How important isit?-s" en "Breathe-s" per dag. En dit is uitputtend.

Maar die hoof Knersis is my verhouding. My vriend is wonderlik. Hy werk hard daaraan om aandag te gee aan my gevoelens. Hy het sy eie kruiwaentjie vol strooi om saam te sloeg so ek probeer om nie te veeleisend te wees nie. Maar dit gese - daar bly so 'n lee ou gat in my wat net nie wil vol nie. Elke keer as ek dink ek beweeg emosioneel nader aan hom, se hy iets soos hoe baie hy sy vryheid geniet en onmiddelik spiraal ek terug in my ou manier van dink....mmmm waar pas ek in die prentjie in?

Ek wil net belangrik wees vir iemand. Enige iemand op die stadium. Ek wil iemand he wat uit sy pad gaan vir my, net soms. Miskien is die oplossing dat ek minder uit my pad gaan. Dan sal ek dalk nie so te na gekom voel wanneer ek dit nie terug kry nie. Miskien is die antwoord wel dat die antwoord bietjie meer gereeld NEE moet wees.

Ek het geen begeerte aan 'n Joneses lewe met 'n huis, 'n kar en 'n boom en 3 hieper goed opgevoede orrelpyp kindertjies en 'n gemoedelike man aan wie ek baie 'na' is nie. Nee, ek wil net nie alleen eet en elke aand alleen gaan slaap nie. Ek wil he my kind moet inpas in my nuwe verhouding. Want meer as enigiets is ek haar mamma. Ek het harde klippe gekou om haar uit 'n situasie te haal waar ons in vrees en onsekerheid gelewe het en ek sal nooit daarvoor om verskoning vra nie. Dis waarskynlik die enigste regte besluit wat ek in die laaste dekade geneem het. Maar iets omtrent my nuwe verhouding steek my dwars in die krop. Dis 'n daaglikse keuse tussen hom en my kind. Miskien is dit nie Commitment Issues nie maar 'n gesonde begrip vir wanneer iets op 'n dealbreaker afstuur. Ek gaan nooit "nie" 'n ma wees nie. Dis tog nie nuwe nuus nie? Hoe kan ek my toekomstige geluk baseer op 'n plan wat haar nie insluit nie? So nou nog sowat 10 jaar van eintlik alleen wees - om dan wat? ...weg te gaan? Ja oor 10 jaar is sy 18 en dalk bly om van my onslae te wees. Maar ek kan nie saam met iemand wees en terselfdertyd nie saam met iemand wees nie. Ek is 'n package deal. Ek dink dit pas hom goed, want hy hoef tot absoluut niks te commit nie. Hy deal net met die lekker. Want as mens mekaar eventualy gesien kry, probeer jy hard om nie onsmaaklik te wees nie. Maar dan terug in die regte lewe is eknog net so alleen, dra ek nog net so eensaam aan my individuele las.

Miskien is my verwagtinge te hoog, maar selfs emosineel gestremde mensie soos ek moet bieg g'n mens is gemaak vir alleen wees. Ons is veronderstel om saam nie sakke sout te eet. Almal wil by iemand anders huis he. Ek wil behoort. By iemand. Baie graag.

Ek wens die moeilike vra het makliekr antwoorde gehad. Maar dit het nie. En dit gaan nie verander nie. Al wat ek weet is dat ek nie weer my drome gaan uitstel of begrawe vir 'n ander persoon nie. "My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else's decisions, even if it is someone I dearly love".

Ek weet nie. Miskien wil ek al die goed ook net hardop se. Dit help al klaar.

 

What bull shit! No strings attached? Can someone please explain to me how you have any form of relationship with anyone and not have strings attached? Is this what society boils down to? Meaningless, attachment-less, empty acquaintances?

The STBX has been harassing me lately about 'just looking'. I need to somehow commit, but not commit to trying to see how he has changed, but I don't have to do anything. WTF? Seriously? Its like standing next to a rotary blade to see how it works and sticking your hand in it! How can you commit to something and not really commit? Obviously (well to me), if I agree to see how he has changed, that implies that I am interested in what is happening or has happened in his life? Frankly I am not, at all. So please, correct me if I am wrong, but I smell a rat trap...it reeks of manipulation.
It's too late. I know people keep saying 'it's never to late', but I sincerely beg to differ. There are just some situations and relationships that cannot be remedied. I don't want to have any from of relationship with him apart from being civil when attending to matters of our daughter. Why can he not understand that I am done. That I have a right to be done. That regardless of what he and society generally believe to be right or wrong about divorce etc, I don't have to agree or follow the norm. I have sorted my decision with God. And just because I believe different than he does, does not neccesarily make either of us wrong or right.
It took me years to get his foot out the door, fuck I had to get a new door! How stupid does he think I am? With him it's not "strings attached' more like a noose...

My friend and I have been taking things slow. It works. Sort off. But once again, it feels like a rather pointless exercise. Due to all the uncertainty there will be no attaching. It's just too high risk. What is THAT? How do you try a new relationship but you are so paralyzed by fear that you just cause more damage? Is the mature option not rather backing off then? Why am I the only person on this godforsaken planet that still believes in all or nothing? You cannot be HALF my friend and if being a whole friend is high maintenance or demanding, then obviously you do not have the energy to remotely come close to fulfilling a single one of my needs. I have wasted enough time on people not willing to love. (Note all the aggression...not really a good week.)

I have grown so fond of my friends in Alanon. I would walk through fire for them. How do you survive a war and not have strings attach? How do you share so many common joys and pains and not be attached? You can't.

There are strings attached to everyone that crosses your path. We are all somehow entwined even if it just through our need to survive. There is always strings attached, whether we like it or not.

I told my husband on Monday about the divorce. He had a rather unexpected reaction. He was fine with it. He said he had been expecting it and did not want to cause me any more pain. That he will try to work with me to sort it out as soon as possible. It was a relief, but also very sad that it had come to this. It is now final. Almost over.
So with my foot situation and the immobility that comes with it, I have had a lot of couch time. Crying, pleading, reasoning, thanking and other irrational outbursts towards God and myself. It felt good to finally come to a standstill (forcibly) and start dealing with what's happening. I need to start planning my 'perfect' future. Decide where I want things to go and then start working towards it. I need vision.
Sitting in my silent house I can hear God's voice for the first time in months. My head is quieting down. What's left of my ego, backing off. I cannot describe my feelings, it just hurts mostly. I feel hopeful though. It cannot last forever.
My daughter phoned last night. She's having so much fun on holiday with grandpa and grandma. I'm glad. I just want her to enjoy her childhood. Be happy and carefree before the world chews you up and spits you out. What I wouldn't trade for one day as a 4 year old...bliss. I miss my mother.

“I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.”
Unknown

I read one of my older posts this morning and came across a very true piece about what every woman should know. It was in Afrikaans so I decided to translate it. It's just worth another read.

Every woman should know she cannot do much about the length of her legs, the width of her hips or the nature of het parents.

Every woman should know her childhood may not have been perfect... but it's over...


Every woman should decide what excactly she is willing to do, or not do, for love


She should know how to stay on her own even if she doesn't like it.
She should know who to trust and why not to take everything personal.


Every woman should know where to go to refresh her soul, whether it's the kitchen of an old freind or an upmarket spa in the mountains.

Every woman should know what she is able to achieve in one day...
One month...
One year...
Ane what she is unable to achieve.

Every woman should have at least one or two friends and be able to laugh, dance and sing for no reason at all.

So it happened. My husband hit rock bottom. Long story short he was arrested for drunk driving on Sunday, tried to lie about it on Monday, in rehab on Tuesday.
I am so grateful for Al-Anon today. If I had not started attending Al-Anon and learned how to detach with love, my week would look very different so far. I would have been bailing him out at 2:00am on Monday morning, let him stay with me because I felt sorry (taking a day off) and I would have been left with the bill for rehab - that's if we went that route!
Instead I had a good nights rest on Sunday, told him to not make his problems mine on Monday and had his father pay the rehab bill on Tuesday.
I felt guilty last night. And very sad. It flt like I had deserted him. But I know, thanks to Al-Anon, that he is exactly where he should be and so am I.
God has been very good to me. I am very sad. I think it's normal because my heart is broken, but I have so much peace. It's finally over. Weather he recovers or not, for me the chaos is over. He will be locked up for 3 months with no way to contact me. Finally some real peace and quiet. Finally.
I will pray for him everyday and I will have a moments silence for him everyday. But that is it.
My new job is turning out to be very challenging and busy. I love it. I feel renewed, my self esteem has skyrocketed and I am taking care of myself. In between all the sadness a little glimmer of happiness keeps poking it's head out. I have some major resentments to work through, but I am getting there, one day at a time. Best part, through all of this I had managed to stay sober, because I did not want to or need to drink. I could find solutions that actually worked. I survived. Now I just need to live.
Today I'm not closing the book, I'm turning the page. It's time for a new chapter.

It's been one week since my husband moved out and one week since I started my new job. The job is great, still not as busy as I would like, but getting there.
I have been a bit more busy than intended, so I have not really started sorting out the things that matter in my life. Feels like it's a daily struggle to just get by. I go through my routines and get very angry when they are disturbed. I shouldn't get so angry but I do. I have such an intense fear and dislike of chaos that anything remotely resembling it infuriates me. But there is and upside. The anger drives me. It gets me to get up in the morning and give all I have to reclaim my life. It gives me the courage to say "NO" when I need to. It makes me persistent to get myself heard and to no allow anyone or anything to divert me from my main purpose - to heal. I will get better.
I have cried only once. I'm having trouble sleeping. My mind keeps going into overdrive thinking of everyting that needs attention and doing. So I made a list and I am attempting one thing at a time and focussing on being patient. Somewhere along the line I seriously misplaced my patience.
The first thing - and I think most important thing right now is getting well rested. So I'm going to bed at 8:30 every night (taking a sleeping pill if I have to) so that I can think clearly. After my husband left I just felt so tired. Suddenly the struggle and tension was gone and I felt 3 years of exhaustion just claiming it's toll. So yes, my anger had an upside. It had kept me going. Now it's time to say good bye to anger and welcome peace.

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Dear God,
Please untie the knots that are in my mind, my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots, the can nots, and the do nots that I have in my mind.
Erase the will nots, may nots, might nots that may find a home in my heart.
Release me from the could nots, would nots and should nots that obstruct my life.
And most of all, Dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart and my life all of the 'am nots' that I have allowed to hold me back, especially the thought that I am not good enough.
Amen

It was with absolute surprise that I noted today that I have almost been sober for 85 days. Now, for most people that really is a drop in the bucket - and really it is - but it has been 85 really hard days despite which I am still sober. That's the great part. In the past I would have given up or excused myself a long time ago. This time round I haven't needed to. And finally my husband (sober or not) has absolutely no impact on my sobriety. I have actually crossed that bridge. Not necessarily unscathed, but still, I am ALIVE and most importantly - SOBER.

I have allowed my soul to grow. I now look at experiences (good or bad) as just part of the teachings of life. Things happen. Sometimes repeatedly. Sometimes in greater magnitude than we can ever imagine ourselves coping with. Sometimes they happen in the form of silly little have-to-be-dealt-with issues more annoying that terrifying. Fact is - life happens. You either learn from it and allow your soul to grow, or you suffer. Your choice.

My latest have-to-be-dealt-with issue is a rat in my chicken coop. Can you imagine? It actually chews on my chickens while they are asleep. It's like it's saving some for later. It's disturbing. More disturbing is that I know some people who are like that. Still don't know what I'm going to do because poison is no option. I'm too scared one of my other pets might get hold of it and die accidentally. So I'll probably have to catch the little scavenger.

My sister dragged me out of bed at 5am this morning to go walking - power walking, not insane lets stroll while it's dark walking, no, insane marching like crazy people to fight the flab. I really hope it works. Once you're all warmed up it's kinda fun, but getting your over sized but out of bed at 5, well fun is not quite the word I'd use.

I went to the interview on Wednesday and what was supposed to be an informal "let's chat about it", turned into a full blown interview. I only got home past six-thirty. Things are really looking positive and I have made up my mind - pending their accepting of my salary requirements. So today its all about not trying to control, accepting, being grateful and really living. On the edge mostly - and finally not because I'm being pushed over it, but because I love the rush!

I have been extremely busy at work. To the extend that I have to keep reminding myself of my favorite Helen Keller: "I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do."
I have applied this little verse to so many areas of my life. Right now it's helpful in stopping me from standing - back against the wall - terror stricken by the growing amount of work on my desk. Somewhere between being employed in 2007 to the current time I have managed to move from screwdriver yielding techie to project managing "your on your own". I'm not quite sure how that happened. I'm not quite sure I'm all that happy with it.
I saved a little brain dead task for today. Just to remind me where I came from. How much pleasure and peace there is in completing simple, yet important tasks. How to do even the mundane well. I seem to have forgotten that every little thing counts. I have become so swamped that I hardly sit back and still take pride in what I do. Plus I am sick of all the unavoidable paperwork.
 
Perhaps being offered a job with one of my suppliers had something to do with getting me to regroup. I have always secretly wondered what it would be like to work at this particular company. Tonight I am going to find out. So perhaps some serious moves in the near future.

On the home front there is calm and co-operation. Feeling-wise I'm still on one day at a time. Thanking God constantly for small favours and appreciating the things that do go right. I am praying very hard for my husbands recovery. When he is sober it's always so encouraging and uplifting to see the person he is when he is sober. He really is a wonderful man. It's hard to reconcile the man I live with now with what he becomes when he's drinking. I am hopeful I suppose that this time it will last. Alas, no guarantees.

I am still sober. Strangely it has posed very little challenge - so far - this time. I was forced into severe mental and emotional research with my current situation and got a firm hold of myself again. I will not behave unacceptably nor will I accept unacceptable behavior from others. There are some things you just cannot change. I've started knitting again and I am building a 1000 piece puzzle. It's strange how these little hobbies keep me calm an patient. I have to keep reminding myself that Rome wasn't built in a day.

And my daughter is so so much happier.

Small favors, big impacts. Thank you God.

Below a little piece that got me through the week:

Being A Contender

Today I am a contender. Whatever the outcome of this race, I have shown that I have what it takes to be a winner. No matter what happens around me, I will use the noise, the chaos, the tension to spur me on into greater aspects of myself. Neck and neck for me is just a barometer of what's out there, triggering in me the excitement for movement, for risking and reaching. Today I will experience the vitality that issues from the one, the energy that is living, the wonders of the race. I am here and it is enough. It's good to be alive. It's good to be a contender.

I am already a winner.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never seek to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.
John Donne

I have realised a long time ago that I am incapable of setting boundaries. I allow people to abuse me. I allow people to use me to a point where I loose myself.

Recently I started practising setting appropriate boundaries with newcomers to my life. That is fairly easy. The problems start when you have to move old cemented boundaries to widen your space. Or when you have to entrench certain boundaries that people keep crossing. Then its Hiroshima, headbutting, name calling and in some cases complete loss of relationship rendering the boundary obsolete. But I have realised that setting boundaries does not necesarily involve negotiation.

Which ever way, I am systematically covering my bases. I am creating a safe acceptable space around myself to breath, relax and be good to myself as well as others. I am only human. I am not perfect - although I did give it a bloody good shot :-)

I get more and more happy and comfortable in my own skin. I don't beat myself up about my limitations or incapability anymore. I am who I am. And I am really not that bad.

I will keep chiseling away and plastering up. I don't think we are ever done. Life really is not that bad. Depends on the decision mostly. It's a happy thought to know I get to influence my day - even just one bit.

So it's been chaos. After posting last week I asked my husband to leave. I didn't really care where he went. I simply could not get myself to do the "let's pretend thing". He left.
I had for all intensive purposes asked him to please just leave me ALONE - just for 2 weeks. Just so I could calm down, think things through and maybe find some forgiveness, inner peace. He didn't. The pleading, emotional and verbal abuse and the nagging (really don't think you can call it anything else) did not stop.
I went to Barberton this weekend and it was a really good weekend. Except of course for my husband phoning........
Then of course guess who awaits me at home? No come on guess? Seriously you can't guess? Let me give you a hint. It's a deaf man, who can't see beyond himself and his own pathetic earthly needs. Still don't get it? OK fine, it was my husband.
He now occupies the guest room. He is determined to within the next 21 days prove to me that he has miraculously changed into a perfect being. On asking why 21 days - he replied it seemed like a good number. Now seriously - is it just me? Or does anyone else find this...I don't know, somewhat off? He attempted to anoint me and my daughter last night. I stopped him because I believe that he has no idea what he is doing messing around in the spiritual world on that level, pretending to do God's will. Just so you know Pete - I read my Bible, unfortunately the "end of time" does not provide a particularly immediate solution to my severe situation.
I can understand why women and children are murdered by fathers and husbands and boyfriends. They don't have the law to help them - I mean like a piece of paper is really going to stop him from coming near you. They really get hammered by their families who cannot understand why they don't just do something. I have done plenty of things - none of them worked. Plus I can't just leave, I have to consider my daughter in all this as well.
Today I find myself in the eye of this storm. I see the crazy blizzard of friends, family, my husband and colleagues with all their best intentions, motives and opinions flying by. And I don't care. I don't. I hate the subject, I hate being forced to decide. I hate the fact that I have no control over any of this. I hate the fact that I am so numb with fear that I believe I have no options. I am angry. I am sad. And I know the next step forward will be out of the eye - and straight into hurricane season. Perhaps I'll hang around here for just a bit longer. I need to get my strength up. The time for being nice have now officially passed.

After 2 weeks of the usual agonising hell when I try to get my husband to leave me alone, I am now staying with him in our family home again. Before you sigh - here a the reasons.

He guilt's me about my daughter constantly. This wears me down to a level I cannot explain.

He was kicked out by the friend he stayed with because of a money issue. Understand that I knew from the get go that my husband couldn't possibly rely on that man's help long term - since he drinks brandy and coke from a draft glass. He buys his alcohol in bulk and rarely buys groceries. He is in his forties and his mother still bails him out every time he wrecks a car etc etc. I was hoping that my husband would start looking for a permanent solution while in the interim staying there - apparently not. He was just waiting for me to crack, which now subsequently happened.

So after staying with my sister for the weekend - completely disrupting my tranquil weekend plans, spending valuable time begging him on the phone to actually THINK and make other arrangements - ask his father, anything!, I realised I will not win. I couldn't stay on at my sisters because our youngest sister is staying there and she does not really want me there - made it abundantly clear as well, and I really don't want to cause my older sister any grief. I looked forward to her moving back to SA so much and now all of this.

So at the end of an exhausting weekend I am back home. With him. Either keeping quiet or pretending all is well. What else can I do? If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I am too tired to think. Right now I want to close my eyes and just die.

How can one person be so self absorbed? So disturbed? So mean and cruel that he could try to force the love and respect of someone else by emotionally, verbally and physically torturing them into submission? I love him, but I hate him. Just haven't figured out which is the most. O God I need this to end.

On top of this, my mother has now decided to make things worse. she believes for him - but she has no idea how much of it I will have to bear. Plus I have to go see her and my father this weekend for his birthday.

I think I should just get divorced. No discussing it. No explaining. No nothing. I should just turn around and leave. And never look back. Trying to do this the amicable way has just not worked out for me. I don't even know where to start anymore.

So it's official. My husband and I are temporarily separated. We are living apart while he is undergoing treatment of all sorts, attending meetings and generally sorting out his messed up life.
But that's all his business.

Now here I am. Stuck in the silence. Some days it feels so good that I want to stay right here where I am and bathe in the peacefulness and chaos-lessness that has suddenly become an everyday occurrence. I want to drink in my me time. My watch stops ticking in the friendly silence. It's bliss.

Other days, like today, the silence is disturbed by echos of the past. The have not's, why not's, should haves and refusals of 10 years of anarchy. I hate these days. They are quiet enough to fool you. The whispers barely audible. But its there. The voices. The self-doubt, guilt, insecurity. I woke up this morning and I just felt cheated and irretated. Angry as hell.

Don't get me wrong. I know what I did was the very best thing for me and my husband. I'm just not always so sure about my daughter. She's 4 and I'm sure she'll be fine. At least she won't have to deal with the dissapointments of active alcoholic parents for the rest of her life. She actually has a chance to have anormal life. My decision has everything to do with it.

Yesterday she told me she had dreamt that she lost her dad. I woke up this morning and wondered, what if we really did? What if temprary becomes permanent? What if I never trust my husband again? What if he doesn't change?

I am so incredibly greatful today that I don't have to answer even a single one of any of the questions spinning through my head today. I only have to deal with what's relevant today. And that is not alot.

I am going to go home to peace and quit. Undevided time and attention for my daughter. I am going to cook dinner and lavish the food with love. I will walk the dog and feed the chickens. I will enjoy my bath and I will have tea in my favourite spot. I will go to bed early, read my inspirations and sleep soundly. For I am in Gods hands. The only reason it hurts is because He is making some adjustments.

Its Monday again and I am really looking forward to the week ahead. I took some time yesterday to just calm down from the chaos of separation, my family and all the other "need to be dones". I spent a quiet morning in my garden, fixing the fountain and cleaning the chicken coop. I had tea in my peace garden and spoke to God.

I know what I am expected to do. It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it.
I gave God all the negative feelings that I am feeling. Anger, resentment, abandonment, disappointment, not feeling loved, feeling used and cheated. I feel lighter today and I know it will get better. My happiness does not depend on a person, but in God I will find peace, love and happiness.

My life has changed so much in the last 3 years since finding AA and now Alanon. I have so much already to be thankful for. I will count my blessings today and thank God for never leaving my side and for being here at the beginning of a new phase in my journey. Looking back is a good reflection, but I just want to deal with today. I will live today to the best of my ability. If I cannot help, I will not harm. I will attend to issues as they arise. I will love unconditionally. I will trust God, smile and I stay sober.

Just today.

'n Mens sou dink na jare se teleurstellings en vals hoop dat wanneer die dag aanbreek wat alles tot 'n punt kom, die hoof emosie verligting sou wees. Dit is nie. My hart is so seer ek kan skaars asemhaal. My oe brand soos kole vuur vanmore en ek lyk soos 'n slagoffer van huismoles soos ek getjank het. My diafragma is in hel soos ek geruk en snik het. Hartseer is nie 'n emosie nie, dis regtig 'n fisiese pyn. Ek voel of ek op die randtjie van major cardiac arrest staan.

Wanneer gaan dit verby wees? Hierdie diep telerustelling wat my so lamgele het? Hoe staan mens op en vertrou die wereld weer met jou siel? Waar ek vandag staan met my rug teen die muur en my arms in die lug kan ek nie sien dat die son weer sal skyn nie. Hoe kan alkohol mens se lewe so verwoes? Hoe kan dit so 'n houvas op jou lewe kry dat jy alles en almal wat saak maak sal vertrap vir 'n high? Ek was so seker dinge is beter, soooo deksels seker. En nou staan ek met lee hande en 'n pap gedrukte hart en wonder hoekom. Hoekom ek? Hoekom nou? Hoekom weer?

Ek is so dankbaar vir Alanon vandag. Dat ek geleer het ek kan bid: "Here, genoeg." Dat ek geleer het dis nie my skuld nie. Dat ek weet dat ek my man vir God kan gee. Dat ek myself vir God kan gee. Dat ek my kind, vir God kan gee. Dat ten spyte van hoe dit voel ek die regte ding doen: "The kindest thing you can do is to be unkind." Ek is so dankbaar dat ek vandag nugter is. Dat die chaos verby is en dat ek nie meer onaanvaarbare gedrag hoef te aanvaar nie.

Ek het gekies om te lewe, niemand het gese dit gaan maklik wees nie, en eerlikwaar, as ek een groooot hartseer (van verbygaande aard) moet verduur om 'n einde te maak aan 'n dekade lange konstante hartseer, huil ek my vandag met blydskap pap.

I have had to deal with my husband lying to me on many occasions. I can identify a justification fable from miles away. I use to listen to him repeating the same made up story, carefully trying not to mix up the made up facts. Repeating it and repeating it and repeating it as if that would eventually make it believable. Perhaps so that he can remember it on a later occasion..? This would infuriate me because really - do I look like you need to repeat things to me 10 times? But I have also learned to listen very carefully. A web of lies usually has some missing stitches. And if I listen long enough I can see the holes in the story. I always know when my husband is lying. I am myself after all, a very good teller of lies. Shouldn't I be able to identify one?

Anyway, here's the gripe.

Yesterday was mother’s day. My sister and I took our mother to an afternoon high tea. Smashing! This of course called the need for our husbands to watch the kids. When my husband came to pick me up, he reeked of alcohol. When I confronted him he immediately started making excuses like "when was I supposed to have the time to drink?" What BS. He also did the "I'm so shocked that you would think that" - face. Then eventually came the story he had drank a sachet (or no, it was two sachets) of Bioplus. On a previous occasion he had used mouth wash as an excuse (this is now banned) and obviously brought up the preservative in the flu meds I give him...

I couldn't do it. The 3 hour marathon “I didn’t do it”. Because you see, the previous weekend we went to wedding - where he did drink because he felt morally obligated. The next day he bought non-alcoholic beer because he felt like the taste of beer.

I can't help wondering today exactly how long I am going to suffer this - because really it is suffering. Things have been going so well. I was once again duped into believing that change is an actual possibility if not genuine reality.

Now, I'm just wondering if anyone has some ideas on how I can remove the words "Gullible, Stupid, Idiot" that is obviously written in BOLD in my forehead......

Thinking about all that has transpired it's hard to believe it's been only two weeks since I last blogged.

I shared at my home group on 18 April and I felt stupid. Don't know why. I don't really like hearing my own story anymore. Having been in and out of AA and sobriety I think the whole yo-yo thing makes me sick. I don't even always believe my own story. Why should anyone else? Perhaps what gets to me is the complexity of it all. When I start talking about my life, all the drunks in it and the mess left behind I feel suffocated and cheated. And that makes me a little angry and resentful. Why could my life not just be a little easier?

My husband and I when for our counseling session and had somewhat of a breakthrough. The feeling of relief and enthusiasm didn't last very long. Now I am trying to keep the momentum, but life keeps getting in the way. Plus I have suffered another disappointment or two. I know disappointment is part of life, but I have lost any and all capability to deal with my husband disappointing me. I automatically go into shutdown mode and then it feels like it takes forever to cold start my hart again. Periodically I allow myself to believe that things can be different and then daydream about how life would be when all this is behind us. Reality always pulls me to a grinding halt of realization that this is it. This is my life and most of it's my fault anyway.

It's been great having my sister around. Things have really changed. We've gotten old-ish. There's the husbands and the children. The washing and cooking. No more tequila shots till 2 in the morning and covering for each other with mom. We've really grown up and I kind of like it. I like the new dynamic of our relationship. It feels more real.

On the sobriety side - yes, I am still sober. And happy about it. I'm really mastering the one day at a time thing. I don't worry about not drinking so much anymore. The urge has left and I stopped counting. Being honest with myself and others really helps. I became so sick and tired of myself that I really have a zero tolerance for my own bullshit. That really helps. I am a bit concerned about my relationship with God though. I'm a littel angry. I'm sure it will get better. Just temporarily lost my peace.

My mom is coming tomorrow. Looking forward to surprise her on mother's day. I also have a childrens party to attend. Eventfull weekend.

So the weekend is over. Again. It was unnaturally cold and rainy for this time of the year in the highveld. Plus, we are not exactly used to mist, drizzle and dullness. Usually rain is synonym with electric sparks and thunderous row. Not his weekend. It was London - the SA way. And it sucked. Plus - we are upgrading our TV and the time transition between the old one leaving and the new one arriving was well, severely misjudged. Hence no TV. This is probably a good thing, because I did some serious napping and even more serious reading, which all lead to amazing relaxing.
But still, it's Monday. It always eventually becomes Monday. And on this one we have our "together" counseling session and tonight I have to share. Think I'm gonna have some more coffee to emotionally brace myself.