Ek het Commitment Issues...ja, daar is dit nou uit. Ten minse weet ek dis een van my probleme. Maar hoe anders gemaak? Na meer as 'n dekade van my alie af probeer om iets te maak werk stap mens mos nie net blindelings in 'n ding in nie. Wat help ondervinding wat deur pyn en leiding opgedoen is as jy dit nie gaan gebruik nie? Ek het myself belowe (en regtig gehoop) dat as ek weer in 'n verhouding is dit anders sal wees. Ek is beslis anders. Ek het myself regtig in de laaste paar jare gevind en eerlik om te besef dis 2 jaar sedert my laast post...wow....maar ek het goeie vordering gemaak. Hel, ek was tot vir 0.00003sec in die eweigheid van veraltyd actually gelukkig. Ek klou aan daardie vlietende oomblik vir lewe en dood party dae. Want die lewe gebeur en buiten die eks alkoholis het ek nog 'n paar ander wat ek nie so maklik kan skei nie. Een daarvan my pa - maar dis regtig 'n storie vir 'n ander dag en die ander een my baas wat quite frankly seker die pot aan die kook hou so ek is nie altyd so gewillig om die hand te byt wat my voer nie. Maar dit vat nogal 'n hele paar "How important isit?-s" en "Breathe-s" per dag. En dit is uitputtend.

Maar die hoof Knersis is my verhouding. My vriend is wonderlik. Hy werk hard daaraan om aandag te gee aan my gevoelens. Hy het sy eie kruiwaentjie vol strooi om saam te sloeg so ek probeer om nie te veeleisend te wees nie. Maar dit gese - daar bly so 'n lee ou gat in my wat net nie wil vol nie. Elke keer as ek dink ek beweeg emosioneel nader aan hom, se hy iets soos hoe baie hy sy vryheid geniet en onmiddelik spiraal ek terug in my ou manier van dink....mmmm waar pas ek in die prentjie in?

Ek wil net belangrik wees vir iemand. Enige iemand op die stadium. Ek wil iemand he wat uit sy pad gaan vir my, net soms. Miskien is die oplossing dat ek minder uit my pad gaan. Dan sal ek dalk nie so te na gekom voel wanneer ek dit nie terug kry nie. Miskien is die antwoord wel dat die antwoord bietjie meer gereeld NEE moet wees.

Ek het geen begeerte aan 'n Joneses lewe met 'n huis, 'n kar en 'n boom en 3 hieper goed opgevoede orrelpyp kindertjies en 'n gemoedelike man aan wie ek baie 'na' is nie. Nee, ek wil net nie alleen eet en elke aand alleen gaan slaap nie. Ek wil he my kind moet inpas in my nuwe verhouding. Want meer as enigiets is ek haar mamma. Ek het harde klippe gekou om haar uit 'n situasie te haal waar ons in vrees en onsekerheid gelewe het en ek sal nooit daarvoor om verskoning vra nie. Dis waarskynlik die enigste regte besluit wat ek in die laaste dekade geneem het. Maar iets omtrent my nuwe verhouding steek my dwars in die krop. Dis 'n daaglikse keuse tussen hom en my kind. Miskien is dit nie Commitment Issues nie maar 'n gesonde begrip vir wanneer iets op 'n dealbreaker afstuur. Ek gaan nooit "nie" 'n ma wees nie. Dis tog nie nuwe nuus nie? Hoe kan ek my toekomstige geluk baseer op 'n plan wat haar nie insluit nie? So nou nog sowat 10 jaar van eintlik alleen wees - om dan wat? ...weg te gaan? Ja oor 10 jaar is sy 18 en dalk bly om van my onslae te wees. Maar ek kan nie saam met iemand wees en terselfdertyd nie saam met iemand wees nie. Ek is 'n package deal. Ek dink dit pas hom goed, want hy hoef tot absoluut niks te commit nie. Hy deal net met die lekker. Want as mens mekaar eventualy gesien kry, probeer jy hard om nie onsmaaklik te wees nie. Maar dan terug in die regte lewe is eknog net so alleen, dra ek nog net so eensaam aan my individuele las.

Miskien is my verwagtinge te hoog, maar selfs emosineel gestremde mensie soos ek moet bieg g'n mens is gemaak vir alleen wees. Ons is veronderstel om saam nie sakke sout te eet. Almal wil by iemand anders huis he. Ek wil behoort. By iemand. Baie graag.

Ek wens die moeilike vra het makliekr antwoorde gehad. Maar dit het nie. En dit gaan nie verander nie. Al wat ek weet is dat ek nie weer my drome gaan uitstel of begrawe vir 'n ander persoon nie. "My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else's decisions, even if it is someone I dearly love".

Ek weet nie. Miskien wil ek al die goed ook net hardop se. Dit help al klaar.

 

What bull shit! No strings attached? Can someone please explain to me how you have any form of relationship with anyone and not have strings attached? Is this what society boils down to? Meaningless, attachment-less, empty acquaintances?

The STBX has been harassing me lately about 'just looking'. I need to somehow commit, but not commit to trying to see how he has changed, but I don't have to do anything. WTF? Seriously? Its like standing next to a rotary blade to see how it works and sticking your hand in it! How can you commit to something and not really commit? Obviously (well to me), if I agree to see how he has changed, that implies that I am interested in what is happening or has happened in his life? Frankly I am not, at all. So please, correct me if I am wrong, but I smell a rat trap...it reeks of manipulation.
It's too late. I know people keep saying 'it's never to late', but I sincerely beg to differ. There are just some situations and relationships that cannot be remedied. I don't want to have any from of relationship with him apart from being civil when attending to matters of our daughter. Why can he not understand that I am done. That I have a right to be done. That regardless of what he and society generally believe to be right or wrong about divorce etc, I don't have to agree or follow the norm. I have sorted my decision with God. And just because I believe different than he does, does not neccesarily make either of us wrong or right.
It took me years to get his foot out the door, fuck I had to get a new door! How stupid does he think I am? With him it's not "strings attached' more like a noose...

My friend and I have been taking things slow. It works. Sort off. But once again, it feels like a rather pointless exercise. Due to all the uncertainty there will be no attaching. It's just too high risk. What is THAT? How do you try a new relationship but you are so paralyzed by fear that you just cause more damage? Is the mature option not rather backing off then? Why am I the only person on this godforsaken planet that still believes in all or nothing? You cannot be HALF my friend and if being a whole friend is high maintenance or demanding, then obviously you do not have the energy to remotely come close to fulfilling a single one of my needs. I have wasted enough time on people not willing to love. (Note all the aggression...not really a good week.)

I have grown so fond of my friends in Alanon. I would walk through fire for them. How do you survive a war and not have strings attach? How do you share so many common joys and pains and not be attached? You can't.

There are strings attached to everyone that crosses your path. We are all somehow entwined even if it just through our need to survive. There is always strings attached, whether we like it or not.

This past Friday (Good Friday) I was asked to share at the 2013 Convention. I could not decide what to really speak about. I don't like my story or telling it. I never feel as if it makes a difference. Has any meaning.
I decided to stick to what Alanon has meant to me. The self-worth I have gained. The fact that I have learned and accepted that it's ok to ask for help sometimes. I did not have to go through anything alone anymore. Someone asked where my daughter was and I said I left her with a friend because "they where too involved in playing". How have I missed this in my life. Laughing, happiness, spontaneity, fun! Having your heart soar and knowing you are worth something to someone.
Our "How Alanon Works" book has a share in the back and it has my favorite part: " there is something so healing about being treated as if you matter".
My life has been grey, dull and mostly on hold for the last decade, waiting for the alcoholic to make a decision. I eventually made my own. My life is too important to waste waiting for someone elses decisions - even if it is someone I dearly love.
What struck me was the response of the people afterwards. Somehow my story gives hope to so many and I can only thank my Higher Power that in some off and weird and sad way there was method in the madness. Maybe if I can only save one person, give hope to one mother, spare one child this life, I have accomplished something. My life and my story get's meaning.

My friend and I had a serious discussion and the fact that I am not formally divorced yet has wedged us apart. With reason I suspect. It made me so angry. For 12 years my life was on hold waiting to feel loved and wanted and the alcoholic made it impossible. And somehow even separated and emotionally being divorced for almost 2 years, he still controls what happens. But after moping for a day I know it's not anger. It's sadness. For the things I cannot change and the lost lives of so many because of this disease. It's so much bigger than a new boyfriend.
I can only pray that I will stay involved with playing and share my message of hope with those in need. To be of service and give what I have so generously received in the Rooms. By sharing my experience, strength and hope I may be happy, joyous and free.

" Sometimes you have to lose your mind to be free" Anonymous

It is difficult for people who have not dealt with an Alcoholic to really understand what the family goes through. I mean hell, even us unfortunates who has had to deal with it don't always understand.

I am settled in my new place. Settled at this point means I have a table, curtains and a bed. I am happy. My daughter is doing so well at school and with the first term at an end I wonder what happened to the time. We have some huge fights every now and then and I struggle to remember she's only six. I completely lose it when she says she'd rather stay with her father. The thing is, there she is allowed whatever she likes. At my house we have rules... So I'm not even stating the obvious. I know this too shall pass and I have to guard against resentment, but I have to work hard at being more calm about it. My anger is ruining our relationship. I am angry at her for still liking him and as insane as that sounds it's the truth. And I need to deal with it. Regardless of what he has done, he is her father. That is on my list of "things I cannot change" for obvious reasons.

Work has been incredible. I have worked really hard since I started my new job. Beginning of April I will have been there one year. I got promoted 2 weeks ago which really only means I have more work. Work makes me happy. I am good at it. I understand it. I can manage it. I can submerge myself in it for 12 hours every day and not deal with the things I really want and miss in my life. Every so often I come up for air, and there is reality, unchanged. I am lonely. I almost never see my daughter during the week. I feel guilty because I don't want my life to change.

I dislike the fact that I am lonely. But after more than 5 years in a give, give, give relationship I am emotionally deprived. I want to have someone, but I have nothing to give. I have both my sisters close, the crazy younger one actually turned 30 last week - only by the Grace of God. This helps, but I want someone special. One thing that I have learned is that I have an exceptional capacity to love. If I did not, I would never have stuck it out in my marriage as long as I have. I still love my STBX, but it's the kind of love you have for someone close who is dying. It's not the love that kept me believing, hoping and helping for so long. That left. Long ago.

The thing is I met someone. And he is nice. He leaves me be with the insane hours I work. He does not expect any sort of emotional commitment. He's just there. Now, things are getting a little complicated, because I don't want it to go anywhere, but our relationship makes me feel. I have not felt a single emotion in half a decade. I have been angry for half a decade! I have accepted my alcoholic STBX will not change. I have accepted that my earthly belongings are gone. I have accepted that I am powerless - that took bloody long. But I have not felt. I have not cared. And I do. And he does. Take it slow, stop, think. Don't over complicate things. God, what are these people saying! I have absolutely no idea what a normal functioning relationship should be like. And I am in no place to go through how it shouldn't be. So I am seriously considering running. But I don't want to lose my friend. I realize that most of what I have learned from Alanon will now have to be applied constantly. First thing is, that I cannot allow what happened in my past to dictate my future. I need to keep being honest with my friend about my inability to trust and some of the other things I still struggle with. He does not understand alcoholism. He does not understand Alanon and why I insist on still going to my weekly meetings now that the alcoholic is gone. He doesn't mind it, he just doesn't understand it.

I have been looking forward to 'normal' for as long as I can remember, but I have come to the conclusion it's not all it's cracked up to be. Just listen to this definition:

NORMAL -Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

My life is nowhere near normal. Not in my head anyway.

Putting myself "out there" is scary, but I read this this morning:

Courage is Fear that said it's prayers.

I cannot hide from getting hurt, I will never be normal, but I find being happy comes a little bit easier and for now, that 'feels' normal enough.

I read one of my older posts this morning and came across a very true piece about what every woman should know. It was in Afrikaans so I decided to translate it. It's just worth another read.

Every woman should know she cannot do much about the length of her legs, the width of her hips or the nature of het parents.

Every woman should know her childhood may not have been perfect... but it's over...


Every woman should decide what excactly she is willing to do, or not do, for love


She should know how to stay on her own even if she doesn't like it.
She should know who to trust and why not to take everything personal.


Every woman should know where to go to refresh her soul, whether it's the kitchen of an old freind or an upmarket spa in the mountains.

Every woman should know what she is able to achieve in one day...
One month...
One year...
Ane what she is unable to achieve.

Every woman should have at least one or two friends and be able to laugh, dance and sing for no reason at all.

So it happened. My husband hit rock bottom. Long story short he was arrested for drunk driving on Sunday, tried to lie about it on Monday, in rehab on Tuesday.
I am so grateful for Al-Anon today. If I had not started attending Al-Anon and learned how to detach with love, my week would look very different so far. I would have been bailing him out at 2:00am on Monday morning, let him stay with me because I felt sorry (taking a day off) and I would have been left with the bill for rehab - that's if we went that route!
Instead I had a good nights rest on Sunday, told him to not make his problems mine on Monday and had his father pay the rehab bill on Tuesday.
I felt guilty last night. And very sad. It flt like I had deserted him. But I know, thanks to Al-Anon, that he is exactly where he should be and so am I.
God has been very good to me. I am very sad. I think it's normal because my heart is broken, but I have so much peace. It's finally over. Weather he recovers or not, for me the chaos is over. He will be locked up for 3 months with no way to contact me. Finally some real peace and quiet. Finally.
I will pray for him everyday and I will have a moments silence for him everyday. But that is it.
My new job is turning out to be very challenging and busy. I love it. I feel renewed, my self esteem has skyrocketed and I am taking care of myself. In between all the sadness a little glimmer of happiness keeps poking it's head out. I have some major resentments to work through, but I am getting there, one day at a time. Best part, through all of this I had managed to stay sober, because I did not want to or need to drink. I could find solutions that actually worked. I survived. Now I just need to live.
Today I'm not closing the book, I'm turning the page. It's time for a new chapter.