What bull shit! No strings attached? Can someone please explain to me how you have any form of relationship with anyone and not have strings attached? Is this what society boils down to? Meaningless, attachment-less, empty acquaintances?

The STBX has been harassing me lately about 'just looking'. I need to somehow commit, but not commit to trying to see how he has changed, but I don't have to do anything. WTF? Seriously? Its like standing next to a rotary blade to see how it works and sticking your hand in it! How can you commit to something and not really commit? Obviously (well to me), if I agree to see how he has changed, that implies that I am interested in what is happening or has happened in his life? Frankly I am not, at all. So please, correct me if I am wrong, but I smell a rat trap...it reeks of manipulation.
It's too late. I know people keep saying 'it's never to late', but I sincerely beg to differ. There are just some situations and relationships that cannot be remedied. I don't want to have any from of relationship with him apart from being civil when attending to matters of our daughter. Why can he not understand that I am done. That I have a right to be done. That regardless of what he and society generally believe to be right or wrong about divorce etc, I don't have to agree or follow the norm. I have sorted my decision with God. And just because I believe different than he does, does not neccesarily make either of us wrong or right.
It took me years to get his foot out the door, fuck I had to get a new door! How stupid does he think I am? With him it's not "strings attached' more like a noose...

My friend and I have been taking things slow. It works. Sort off. But once again, it feels like a rather pointless exercise. Due to all the uncertainty there will be no attaching. It's just too high risk. What is THAT? How do you try a new relationship but you are so paralyzed by fear that you just cause more damage? Is the mature option not rather backing off then? Why am I the only person on this godforsaken planet that still believes in all or nothing? You cannot be HALF my friend and if being a whole friend is high maintenance or demanding, then obviously you do not have the energy to remotely come close to fulfilling a single one of my needs. I have wasted enough time on people not willing to love. (Note all the aggression...not really a good week.)

I have grown so fond of my friends in Alanon. I would walk through fire for them. How do you survive a war and not have strings attach? How do you share so many common joys and pains and not be attached? You can't.

There are strings attached to everyone that crosses your path. We are all somehow entwined even if it just through our need to survive. There is always strings attached, whether we like it or not.

This past Friday (Good Friday) I was asked to share at the 2013 Convention. I could not decide what to really speak about. I don't like my story or telling it. I never feel as if it makes a difference. Has any meaning.
I decided to stick to what Alanon has meant to me. The self-worth I have gained. The fact that I have learned and accepted that it's ok to ask for help sometimes. I did not have to go through anything alone anymore. Someone asked where my daughter was and I said I left her with a friend because "they where too involved in playing". How have I missed this in my life. Laughing, happiness, spontaneity, fun! Having your heart soar and knowing you are worth something to someone.
Our "How Alanon Works" book has a share in the back and it has my favorite part: " there is something so healing about being treated as if you matter".
My life has been grey, dull and mostly on hold for the last decade, waiting for the alcoholic to make a decision. I eventually made my own. My life is too important to waste waiting for someone elses decisions - even if it is someone I dearly love.
What struck me was the response of the people afterwards. Somehow my story gives hope to so many and I can only thank my Higher Power that in some off and weird and sad way there was method in the madness. Maybe if I can only save one person, give hope to one mother, spare one child this life, I have accomplished something. My life and my story get's meaning.

My friend and I had a serious discussion and the fact that I am not formally divorced yet has wedged us apart. With reason I suspect. It made me so angry. For 12 years my life was on hold waiting to feel loved and wanted and the alcoholic made it impossible. And somehow even separated and emotionally being divorced for almost 2 years, he still controls what happens. But after moping for a day I know it's not anger. It's sadness. For the things I cannot change and the lost lives of so many because of this disease. It's so much bigger than a new boyfriend.
I can only pray that I will stay involved with playing and share my message of hope with those in need. To be of service and give what I have so generously received in the Rooms. By sharing my experience, strength and hope I may be happy, joyous and free.

" Sometimes you have to lose your mind to be free" Anonymous

It is difficult for people who have not dealt with an Alcoholic to really understand what the family goes through. I mean hell, even us unfortunates who has had to deal with it don't always understand.

I am settled in my new place. Settled at this point means I have a table, curtains and a bed. I am happy. My daughter is doing so well at school and with the first term at an end I wonder what happened to the time. We have some huge fights every now and then and I struggle to remember she's only six. I completely lose it when she says she'd rather stay with her father. The thing is, there she is allowed whatever she likes. At my house we have rules... So I'm not even stating the obvious. I know this too shall pass and I have to guard against resentment, but I have to work hard at being more calm about it. My anger is ruining our relationship. I am angry at her for still liking him and as insane as that sounds it's the truth. And I need to deal with it. Regardless of what he has done, he is her father. That is on my list of "things I cannot change" for obvious reasons.

Work has been incredible. I have worked really hard since I started my new job. Beginning of April I will have been there one year. I got promoted 2 weeks ago which really only means I have more work. Work makes me happy. I am good at it. I understand it. I can manage it. I can submerge myself in it for 12 hours every day and not deal with the things I really want and miss in my life. Every so often I come up for air, and there is reality, unchanged. I am lonely. I almost never see my daughter during the week. I feel guilty because I don't want my life to change.

I dislike the fact that I am lonely. But after more than 5 years in a give, give, give relationship I am emotionally deprived. I want to have someone, but I have nothing to give. I have both my sisters close, the crazy younger one actually turned 30 last week - only by the Grace of God. This helps, but I want someone special. One thing that I have learned is that I have an exceptional capacity to love. If I did not, I would never have stuck it out in my marriage as long as I have. I still love my STBX, but it's the kind of love you have for someone close who is dying. It's not the love that kept me believing, hoping and helping for so long. That left. Long ago.

The thing is I met someone. And he is nice. He leaves me be with the insane hours I work. He does not expect any sort of emotional commitment. He's just there. Now, things are getting a little complicated, because I don't want it to go anywhere, but our relationship makes me feel. I have not felt a single emotion in half a decade. I have been angry for half a decade! I have accepted my alcoholic STBX will not change. I have accepted that my earthly belongings are gone. I have accepted that I am powerless - that took bloody long. But I have not felt. I have not cared. And I do. And he does. Take it slow, stop, think. Don't over complicate things. God, what are these people saying! I have absolutely no idea what a normal functioning relationship should be like. And I am in no place to go through how it shouldn't be. So I am seriously considering running. But I don't want to lose my friend. I realize that most of what I have learned from Alanon will now have to be applied constantly. First thing is, that I cannot allow what happened in my past to dictate my future. I need to keep being honest with my friend about my inability to trust and some of the other things I still struggle with. He does not understand alcoholism. He does not understand Alanon and why I insist on still going to my weekly meetings now that the alcoholic is gone. He doesn't mind it, he just doesn't understand it.

I have been looking forward to 'normal' for as long as I can remember, but I have come to the conclusion it's not all it's cracked up to be. Just listen to this definition:

NORMAL -Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

My life is nowhere near normal. Not in my head anyway.

Putting myself "out there" is scary, but I read this this morning:

Courage is Fear that said it's prayers.

I cannot hide from getting hurt, I will never be normal, but I find being happy comes a little bit easier and for now, that 'feels' normal enough.

It's been a long year.

I thought long and hard on where to begin. I concluded the beginning would be a good place.

Almost exactly a year ago I moved back to our home and my Soon To Be Ex (still), moved out. Promising, that this time it will be different.

I had left the Rocky Horror show I called my new job and went as far away from Research and Development as I could get. My days of lab ratting and gathering government dust was over. So on my 32 birthday I started in the corporate world. Which at present I can still say, was the best thing I have ever done.
So that's work.

My dear daughter started in Grade 1 in January. Frankly, I am still not over it.
She's so grown up.

During the past year the following also unfortunately happened.

My STBX moved back into our house while I was on Holiday with my daughter in April. My neighbor phoned and asked where I was because there was a lot going on at my house. So I knew.
Ends up, he and is junkie friends where having a ball, and yes he moved back in.

I was so tired of fighting I just left it. I gave him 3 months to sort his crap out. He had me so fooled that after the 3 months was over, not only had I let him move back into our bedroom, I truly believed again - that he had changed.

September I chucked him out again and he promised this time, it would be long term, at least a year and he would sort his life, job etc out and then we could work at it. I paid 2 months rent for him to help him out and even went for more counseling as recommended by the Family Advocate. My dad told me shortly after:"You know when the 2 months are up he's just going to come back, right?". And I was adamant, he promised. This time was different.

So 2 months later, on the 28th of October 2012, after screaming at me on the phone for 2hrs the previous night, he marched in there at 7 in the morning, making it very clear that I have no right to throw him out of his own house. Now everyone who's ever had one of those 'enough' moments, will understand the calm that came over me at that moment. It was very clear. I calmly answered that he was right. He was welcome to move back in, but that I had made a decision to not live under the same roof as him as long as he refuses to change.

I packed everything I owned (actually what I could move in one go), into 4 boxes and 2 suitcases and I left.
This time I did not flee to my sister's house, well just for a while to find a new place, no I signed a lease and I moved into my own place. I also stopped paying for anything at the old house which really caused a lot of pleading and begging.

I've only realized lately, what has really happened the past 4 months. Moving, going to Germany, being seriously ill, the new job, my kid starting school. I can only say that by the grace of God alone did I survive, because I was on definite autopilot.  I learned what it really meant to say: I can't, He can, let Him.

Now, after surviving all this, I can finally look forward to getting divorced this year. I am 12kg's lighter (I survived the personal trainer), I don't have curtains, but I am happy and I live without fear. My employer even pays for an aupair to take some pressure off me since my new job is quite demanding.

I am blessed and I am back.

It's Friday. I should be excited, but really - I'm not. I received an email from my attorney (not the divorce one) regarding a matter about a woman screwing me out of R150 000 three years ago. There is still no progress on the matter even though it has already cost me another R30 000. When is this going to stop? I really need to close the chapter. I know if I stop now all the money I've already paid will be lost, but sometimes we need to know when to cut our losses. It really feels like I have reached that stage.
My emotions are going crazy. Half the time I function like a robot, barely getting through yet another physically and emotionally painful day. The other half I cry. In between there are bouts of excitement for what the future holds, then the fear and the anger and lastly...the hopelessness.
I received another email from an online support group on divorce that encouraged me to "Embrace my Singleness". It's hard. I know that my marriage is over. I know I have to get divorced - not just for me, but also for my husband. He needs to deal with the full consequence of what he had done. I need to be free and learn to live again. But it's really hard staying in the moment, when every cell in your body just needs for it to be over.
I've been struggling with my own sobriety as well. I suppose it's the desperate drive for pain relief that gets me down. Some days I will do anything to not have to feel the day. I consider drinking, and then I consider that drinking is what got me here to begin with. I'm also lonely - something that really scares me. I've always loved my own company, but lately I'm so uncomfortable with myself. It’s a bad feeling.
Anyway, I don't really have a choice. I have to keep moving forward, but today it will be one minute at a time.
"For some people things don't work out as they might have hoped. Hope is a strange thing. A currency for people who know they are losing. The more familiar you are with hope, the less beautiful it becomes." - Frankie, 16 Years of Alcohol.

I told my husband on Monday about the divorce. He had a rather unexpected reaction. He was fine with it. He said he had been expecting it and did not want to cause me any more pain. That he will try to work with me to sort it out as soon as possible. It was a relief, but also very sad that it had come to this. It is now final. Almost over.
So with my foot situation and the immobility that comes with it, I have had a lot of couch time. Crying, pleading, reasoning, thanking and other irrational outbursts towards God and myself. It felt good to finally come to a standstill (forcibly) and start dealing with what's happening. I need to start planning my 'perfect' future. Decide where I want things to go and then start working towards it. I need vision.
Sitting in my silent house I can hear God's voice for the first time in months. My head is quieting down. What's left of my ego, backing off. I cannot describe my feelings, it just hurts mostly. I feel hopeful though. It cannot last forever.
My daughter phoned last night. She's having so much fun on holiday with grandpa and grandma. I'm glad. I just want her to enjoy her childhood. Be happy and carefree before the world chews you up and spits you out. What I wouldn't trade for one day as a 4 year old...bliss. I miss my mother.

“I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.”
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