It's Friday. I should be excited, but really - I'm not. I received an email from my attorney (not the divorce one) regarding a matter about a woman screwing me out of R150 000 three years ago. There is still no progress on the matter even though it has already cost me another R30 000. When is this going to stop? I really need to close the chapter. I know if I stop now all the money I've already paid will be lost, but sometimes we need to know when to cut our losses. It really feels like I have reached that stage.
My emotions are going crazy. Half the time I function like a robot, barely getting through yet another physically and emotionally painful day. The other half I cry. In between there are bouts of excitement for what the future holds, then the fear and the anger and lastly...the hopelessness.
I received another email from an online support group on divorce that encouraged me to "Embrace my Singleness". It's hard. I know that my marriage is over. I know I have to get divorced - not just for me, but also for my husband. He needs to deal with the full consequence of what he had done. I need to be free and learn to live again. But it's really hard staying in the moment, when every cell in your body just needs for it to be over.
I've been struggling with my own sobriety as well. I suppose it's the desperate drive for pain relief that gets me down. Some days I will do anything to not have to feel the day. I consider drinking, and then I consider that drinking is what got me here to begin with. I'm also lonely - something that really scares me. I've always loved my own company, but lately I'm so uncomfortable with myself. It’s a bad feeling.
Anyway, I don't really have a choice. I have to keep moving forward, but today it will be one minute at a time.
"For some people things don't work out as they might have hoped. Hope is a strange thing. A currency for people who know they are losing. The more familiar you are with hope, the less beautiful it becomes." - Frankie, 16 Years of Alcohol.

So it happened. My husband hit rock bottom. Long story short he was arrested for drunk driving on Sunday, tried to lie about it on Monday, in rehab on Tuesday.
I am so grateful for Al-Anon today. If I had not started attending Al-Anon and learned how to detach with love, my week would look very different so far. I would have been bailing him out at 2:00am on Monday morning, let him stay with me because I felt sorry (taking a day off) and I would have been left with the bill for rehab - that's if we went that route!
Instead I had a good nights rest on Sunday, told him to not make his problems mine on Monday and had his father pay the rehab bill on Tuesday.
I felt guilty last night. And very sad. It flt like I had deserted him. But I know, thanks to Al-Anon, that he is exactly where he should be and so am I.
God has been very good to me. I am very sad. I think it's normal because my heart is broken, but I have so much peace. It's finally over. Weather he recovers or not, for me the chaos is over. He will be locked up for 3 months with no way to contact me. Finally some real peace and quiet. Finally.
I will pray for him everyday and I will have a moments silence for him everyday. But that is it.
My new job is turning out to be very challenging and busy. I love it. I feel renewed, my self esteem has skyrocketed and I am taking care of myself. In between all the sadness a little glimmer of happiness keeps poking it's head out. I have some major resentments to work through, but I am getting there, one day at a time. Best part, through all of this I had managed to stay sober, because I did not want to or need to drink. I could find solutions that actually worked. I survived. Now I just need to live.
Today I'm not closing the book, I'm turning the page. It's time for a new chapter.

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Dear God,
Please untie the knots that are in my mind, my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots, the can nots, and the do nots that I have in my mind.
Erase the will nots, may nots, might nots that may find a home in my heart.
Release me from the could nots, would nots and should nots that obstruct my life.
And most of all, Dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart and my life all of the 'am nots' that I have allowed to hold me back, especially the thought that I am not good enough.
Amen

It was with absolute surprise that I noted today that I have almost been sober for 85 days. Now, for most people that really is a drop in the bucket - and really it is - but it has been 85 really hard days despite which I am still sober. That's the great part. In the past I would have given up or excused myself a long time ago. This time round I haven't needed to. And finally my husband (sober or not) has absolutely no impact on my sobriety. I have actually crossed that bridge. Not necessarily unscathed, but still, I am ALIVE and most importantly - SOBER.

I have allowed my soul to grow. I now look at experiences (good or bad) as just part of the teachings of life. Things happen. Sometimes repeatedly. Sometimes in greater magnitude than we can ever imagine ourselves coping with. Sometimes they happen in the form of silly little have-to-be-dealt-with issues more annoying that terrifying. Fact is - life happens. You either learn from it and allow your soul to grow, or you suffer. Your choice.

My latest have-to-be-dealt-with issue is a rat in my chicken coop. Can you imagine? It actually chews on my chickens while they are asleep. It's like it's saving some for later. It's disturbing. More disturbing is that I know some people who are like that. Still don't know what I'm going to do because poison is no option. I'm too scared one of my other pets might get hold of it and die accidentally. So I'll probably have to catch the little scavenger.

My sister dragged me out of bed at 5am this morning to go walking - power walking, not insane lets stroll while it's dark walking, no, insane marching like crazy people to fight the flab. I really hope it works. Once you're all warmed up it's kinda fun, but getting your over sized but out of bed at 5, well fun is not quite the word I'd use.

I went to the interview on Wednesday and what was supposed to be an informal "let's chat about it", turned into a full blown interview. I only got home past six-thirty. Things are really looking positive and I have made up my mind - pending their accepting of my salary requirements. So today its all about not trying to control, accepting, being grateful and really living. On the edge mostly - and finally not because I'm being pushed over it, but because I love the rush!

I have been extremely busy at work. To the extend that I have to keep reminding myself of my favorite Helen Keller: "I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do."
I have applied this little verse to so many areas of my life. Right now it's helpful in stopping me from standing - back against the wall - terror stricken by the growing amount of work on my desk. Somewhere between being employed in 2007 to the current time I have managed to move from screwdriver yielding techie to project managing "your on your own". I'm not quite sure how that happened. I'm not quite sure I'm all that happy with it.
I saved a little brain dead task for today. Just to remind me where I came from. How much pleasure and peace there is in completing simple, yet important tasks. How to do even the mundane well. I seem to have forgotten that every little thing counts. I have become so swamped that I hardly sit back and still take pride in what I do. Plus I am sick of all the unavoidable paperwork.
 
Perhaps being offered a job with one of my suppliers had something to do with getting me to regroup. I have always secretly wondered what it would be like to work at this particular company. Tonight I am going to find out. So perhaps some serious moves in the near future.

On the home front there is calm and co-operation. Feeling-wise I'm still on one day at a time. Thanking God constantly for small favours and appreciating the things that do go right. I am praying very hard for my husbands recovery. When he is sober it's always so encouraging and uplifting to see the person he is when he is sober. He really is a wonderful man. It's hard to reconcile the man I live with now with what he becomes when he's drinking. I am hopeful I suppose that this time it will last. Alas, no guarantees.

I am still sober. Strangely it has posed very little challenge - so far - this time. I was forced into severe mental and emotional research with my current situation and got a firm hold of myself again. I will not behave unacceptably nor will I accept unacceptable behavior from others. There are some things you just cannot change. I've started knitting again and I am building a 1000 piece puzzle. It's strange how these little hobbies keep me calm an patient. I have to keep reminding myself that Rome wasn't built in a day.

And my daughter is so so much happier.

Small favors, big impacts. Thank you God.

Below a little piece that got me through the week:

Being A Contender

Today I am a contender. Whatever the outcome of this race, I have shown that I have what it takes to be a winner. No matter what happens around me, I will use the noise, the chaos, the tension to spur me on into greater aspects of myself. Neck and neck for me is just a barometer of what's out there, triggering in me the excitement for movement, for risking and reaching. Today I will experience the vitality that issues from the one, the energy that is living, the wonders of the race. I am here and it is enough. It's good to be alive. It's good to be a contender.

I am already a winner.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never seek to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.
John Donne

I have realised a long time ago that I am incapable of setting boundaries. I allow people to abuse me. I allow people to use me to a point where I loose myself.

Recently I started practising setting appropriate boundaries with newcomers to my life. That is fairly easy. The problems start when you have to move old cemented boundaries to widen your space. Or when you have to entrench certain boundaries that people keep crossing. Then its Hiroshima, headbutting, name calling and in some cases complete loss of relationship rendering the boundary obsolete. But I have realised that setting boundaries does not necesarily involve negotiation.

Which ever way, I am systematically covering my bases. I am creating a safe acceptable space around myself to breath, relax and be good to myself as well as others. I am only human. I am not perfect - although I did give it a bloody good shot :-)

I get more and more happy and comfortable in my own skin. I don't beat myself up about my limitations or incapability anymore. I am who I am. And I am really not that bad.

I will keep chiseling away and plastering up. I don't think we are ever done. Life really is not that bad. Depends on the decision mostly. It's a happy thought to know I get to influence my day - even just one bit.

So it's been chaos. After posting last week I asked my husband to leave. I didn't really care where he went. I simply could not get myself to do the "let's pretend thing". He left.
I had for all intensive purposes asked him to please just leave me ALONE - just for 2 weeks. Just so I could calm down, think things through and maybe find some forgiveness, inner peace. He didn't. The pleading, emotional and verbal abuse and the nagging (really don't think you can call it anything else) did not stop.
I went to Barberton this weekend and it was a really good weekend. Except of course for my husband phoning........
Then of course guess who awaits me at home? No come on guess? Seriously you can't guess? Let me give you a hint. It's a deaf man, who can't see beyond himself and his own pathetic earthly needs. Still don't get it? OK fine, it was my husband.
He now occupies the guest room. He is determined to within the next 21 days prove to me that he has miraculously changed into a perfect being. On asking why 21 days - he replied it seemed like a good number. Now seriously - is it just me? Or does anyone else find this...I don't know, somewhat off? He attempted to anoint me and my daughter last night. I stopped him because I believe that he has no idea what he is doing messing around in the spiritual world on that level, pretending to do God's will. Just so you know Pete - I read my Bible, unfortunately the "end of time" does not provide a particularly immediate solution to my severe situation.
I can understand why women and children are murdered by fathers and husbands and boyfriends. They don't have the law to help them - I mean like a piece of paper is really going to stop him from coming near you. They really get hammered by their families who cannot understand why they don't just do something. I have done plenty of things - none of them worked. Plus I can't just leave, I have to consider my daughter in all this as well.
Today I find myself in the eye of this storm. I see the crazy blizzard of friends, family, my husband and colleagues with all their best intentions, motives and opinions flying by. And I don't care. I don't. I hate the subject, I hate being forced to decide. I hate the fact that I have no control over any of this. I hate the fact that I am so numb with fear that I believe I have no options. I am angry. I am sad. And I know the next step forward will be out of the eye - and straight into hurricane season. Perhaps I'll hang around here for just a bit longer. I need to get my strength up. The time for being nice have now officially passed.

After 2 weeks of the usual agonising hell when I try to get my husband to leave me alone, I am now staying with him in our family home again. Before you sigh - here a the reasons.

He guilt's me about my daughter constantly. This wears me down to a level I cannot explain.

He was kicked out by the friend he stayed with because of a money issue. Understand that I knew from the get go that my husband couldn't possibly rely on that man's help long term - since he drinks brandy and coke from a draft glass. He buys his alcohol in bulk and rarely buys groceries. He is in his forties and his mother still bails him out every time he wrecks a car etc etc. I was hoping that my husband would start looking for a permanent solution while in the interim staying there - apparently not. He was just waiting for me to crack, which now subsequently happened.

So after staying with my sister for the weekend - completely disrupting my tranquil weekend plans, spending valuable time begging him on the phone to actually THINK and make other arrangements - ask his father, anything!, I realised I will not win. I couldn't stay on at my sisters because our youngest sister is staying there and she does not really want me there - made it abundantly clear as well, and I really don't want to cause my older sister any grief. I looked forward to her moving back to SA so much and now all of this.

So at the end of an exhausting weekend I am back home. With him. Either keeping quiet or pretending all is well. What else can I do? If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I am too tired to think. Right now I want to close my eyes and just die.

How can one person be so self absorbed? So disturbed? So mean and cruel that he could try to force the love and respect of someone else by emotionally, verbally and physically torturing them into submission? I love him, but I hate him. Just haven't figured out which is the most. O God I need this to end.

On top of this, my mother has now decided to make things worse. she believes for him - but she has no idea how much of it I will have to bear. Plus I have to go see her and my father this weekend for his birthday.

I think I should just get divorced. No discussing it. No explaining. No nothing. I should just turn around and leave. And never look back. Trying to do this the amicable way has just not worked out for me. I don't even know where to start anymore.

So it's official. My husband and I are temporarily separated. We are living apart while he is undergoing treatment of all sorts, attending meetings and generally sorting out his messed up life.
But that's all his business.

Now here I am. Stuck in the silence. Some days it feels so good that I want to stay right here where I am and bathe in the peacefulness and chaos-lessness that has suddenly become an everyday occurrence. I want to drink in my me time. My watch stops ticking in the friendly silence. It's bliss.

Other days, like today, the silence is disturbed by echos of the past. The have not's, why not's, should haves and refusals of 10 years of anarchy. I hate these days. They are quiet enough to fool you. The whispers barely audible. But its there. The voices. The self-doubt, guilt, insecurity. I woke up this morning and I just felt cheated and irretated. Angry as hell.

Don't get me wrong. I know what I did was the very best thing for me and my husband. I'm just not always so sure about my daughter. She's 4 and I'm sure she'll be fine. At least she won't have to deal with the dissapointments of active alcoholic parents for the rest of her life. She actually has a chance to have anormal life. My decision has everything to do with it.

Yesterday she told me she had dreamt that she lost her dad. I woke up this morning and wondered, what if we really did? What if temprary becomes permanent? What if I never trust my husband again? What if he doesn't change?

I am so incredibly greatful today that I don't have to answer even a single one of any of the questions spinning through my head today. I only have to deal with what's relevant today. And that is not alot.

I am going to go home to peace and quit. Undevided time and attention for my daughter. I am going to cook dinner and lavish the food with love. I will walk the dog and feed the chickens. I will enjoy my bath and I will have tea in my favourite spot. I will go to bed early, read my inspirations and sleep soundly. For I am in Gods hands. The only reason it hurts is because He is making some adjustments.

Its Monday again and I am really looking forward to the week ahead. I took some time yesterday to just calm down from the chaos of separation, my family and all the other "need to be dones". I spent a quiet morning in my garden, fixing the fountain and cleaning the chicken coop. I had tea in my peace garden and spoke to God.

I know what I am expected to do. It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it.
I gave God all the negative feelings that I am feeling. Anger, resentment, abandonment, disappointment, not feeling loved, feeling used and cheated. I feel lighter today and I know it will get better. My happiness does not depend on a person, but in God I will find peace, love and happiness.

My life has changed so much in the last 3 years since finding AA and now Alanon. I have so much already to be thankful for. I will count my blessings today and thank God for never leaving my side and for being here at the beginning of a new phase in my journey. Looking back is a good reflection, but I just want to deal with today. I will live today to the best of my ability. If I cannot help, I will not harm. I will attend to issues as they arise. I will love unconditionally. I will trust God, smile and I stay sober.

Just today.

'n Mens sou dink na jare se teleurstellings en vals hoop dat wanneer die dag aanbreek wat alles tot 'n punt kom, die hoof emosie verligting sou wees. Dit is nie. My hart is so seer ek kan skaars asemhaal. My oe brand soos kole vuur vanmore en ek lyk soos 'n slagoffer van huismoles soos ek getjank het. My diafragma is in hel soos ek geruk en snik het. Hartseer is nie 'n emosie nie, dis regtig 'n fisiese pyn. Ek voel of ek op die randtjie van major cardiac arrest staan.

Wanneer gaan dit verby wees? Hierdie diep telerustelling wat my so lamgele het? Hoe staan mens op en vertrou die wereld weer met jou siel? Waar ek vandag staan met my rug teen die muur en my arms in die lug kan ek nie sien dat die son weer sal skyn nie. Hoe kan alkohol mens se lewe so verwoes? Hoe kan dit so 'n houvas op jou lewe kry dat jy alles en almal wat saak maak sal vertrap vir 'n high? Ek was so seker dinge is beter, soooo deksels seker. En nou staan ek met lee hande en 'n pap gedrukte hart en wonder hoekom. Hoekom ek? Hoekom nou? Hoekom weer?

Ek is so dankbaar vir Alanon vandag. Dat ek geleer het ek kan bid: "Here, genoeg." Dat ek geleer het dis nie my skuld nie. Dat ek weet dat ek my man vir God kan gee. Dat ek myself vir God kan gee. Dat ek my kind, vir God kan gee. Dat ten spyte van hoe dit voel ek die regte ding doen: "The kindest thing you can do is to be unkind." Ek is so dankbaar dat ek vandag nugter is. Dat die chaos verby is en dat ek nie meer onaanvaarbare gedrag hoef te aanvaar nie.

Ek het gekies om te lewe, niemand het gese dit gaan maklik wees nie, en eerlikwaar, as ek een groooot hartseer (van verbygaande aard) moet verduur om 'n einde te maak aan 'n dekade lange konstante hartseer, huil ek my vandag met blydskap pap.

I have had to deal with my husband lying to me on many occasions. I can identify a justification fable from miles away. I use to listen to him repeating the same made up story, carefully trying not to mix up the made up facts. Repeating it and repeating it and repeating it as if that would eventually make it believable. Perhaps so that he can remember it on a later occasion..? This would infuriate me because really - do I look like you need to repeat things to me 10 times? But I have also learned to listen very carefully. A web of lies usually has some missing stitches. And if I listen long enough I can see the holes in the story. I always know when my husband is lying. I am myself after all, a very good teller of lies. Shouldn't I be able to identify one?

Anyway, here's the gripe.

Yesterday was mother’s day. My sister and I took our mother to an afternoon high tea. Smashing! This of course called the need for our husbands to watch the kids. When my husband came to pick me up, he reeked of alcohol. When I confronted him he immediately started making excuses like "when was I supposed to have the time to drink?" What BS. He also did the "I'm so shocked that you would think that" - face. Then eventually came the story he had drank a sachet (or no, it was two sachets) of Bioplus. On a previous occasion he had used mouth wash as an excuse (this is now banned) and obviously brought up the preservative in the flu meds I give him...

I couldn't do it. The 3 hour marathon “I didn’t do it”. Because you see, the previous weekend we went to wedding - where he did drink because he felt morally obligated. The next day he bought non-alcoholic beer because he felt like the taste of beer.

I can't help wondering today exactly how long I am going to suffer this - because really it is suffering. Things have been going so well. I was once again duped into believing that change is an actual possibility if not genuine reality.

Now, I'm just wondering if anyone has some ideas on how I can remove the words "Gullible, Stupid, Idiot" that is obviously written in BOLD in my forehead......

Thinking about all that has transpired it's hard to believe it's been only two weeks since I last blogged.

I shared at my home group on 18 April and I felt stupid. Don't know why. I don't really like hearing my own story anymore. Having been in and out of AA and sobriety I think the whole yo-yo thing makes me sick. I don't even always believe my own story. Why should anyone else? Perhaps what gets to me is the complexity of it all. When I start talking about my life, all the drunks in it and the mess left behind I feel suffocated and cheated. And that makes me a little angry and resentful. Why could my life not just be a little easier?

My husband and I when for our counseling session and had somewhat of a breakthrough. The feeling of relief and enthusiasm didn't last very long. Now I am trying to keep the momentum, but life keeps getting in the way. Plus I have suffered another disappointment or two. I know disappointment is part of life, but I have lost any and all capability to deal with my husband disappointing me. I automatically go into shutdown mode and then it feels like it takes forever to cold start my hart again. Periodically I allow myself to believe that things can be different and then daydream about how life would be when all this is behind us. Reality always pulls me to a grinding halt of realization that this is it. This is my life and most of it's my fault anyway.

It's been great having my sister around. Things have really changed. We've gotten old-ish. There's the husbands and the children. The washing and cooking. No more tequila shots till 2 in the morning and covering for each other with mom. We've really grown up and I kind of like it. I like the new dynamic of our relationship. It feels more real.

On the sobriety side - yes, I am still sober. And happy about it. I'm really mastering the one day at a time thing. I don't worry about not drinking so much anymore. The urge has left and I stopped counting. Being honest with myself and others really helps. I became so sick and tired of myself that I really have a zero tolerance for my own bullshit. That really helps. I am a bit concerned about my relationship with God though. I'm a littel angry. I'm sure it will get better. Just temporarily lost my peace.

My mom is coming tomorrow. Looking forward to surprise her on mother's day. I also have a childrens party to attend. Eventfull weekend.

So the weekend is over. Again. It was unnaturally cold and rainy for this time of the year in the highveld. Plus, we are not exactly used to mist, drizzle and dullness. Usually rain is synonym with electric sparks and thunderous row. Not his weekend. It was London - the SA way. And it sucked. Plus - we are upgrading our TV and the time transition between the old one leaving and the new one arriving was well, severely misjudged. Hence no TV. This is probably a good thing, because I did some serious napping and even more serious reading, which all lead to amazing relaxing.
But still, it's Monday. It always eventually becomes Monday. And on this one we have our "together" counseling session and tonight I have to share. Think I'm gonna have some more coffee to emotionally brace myself.

On Monday I have to share my story at my home meeting. I have shared on one or two occasions, both times at a different place in my sobriety. Often not as honest as I maybe would have like to be. I have struggled to sty sober. Talking is not always the best medicine for me, but in writing I find perspective and an ability to be honest. Writing to me is evidence of my evolution.

So today I want to have ago at it. My story as it stands today.

I grew up in a loving christian home. Hardworking, strict father and a stay at home mom who lavished us with attention. We did not see our dad often during the week, but my mom was around all the time. She pushed us, beyond our limits sometimes, to always be the best. She defended us in public and called us to order in private. I remember being scared of my dad and a deep desire to please him.

Growing up was happy days. I was clever and performed well in sports. I did not have a lot of friends, but did manage to gather a handful of priceless ones I can thankfully still name amongst my friends today.
I had to all accounts a happy childhood.

On reaching my teens things started going pear shaped. My mother changed, my father was invisible and money was tight. We where sent of to boarding school and I hated every second of it. I started living a double life. Deputy head girl, Best Athlete, First Team netball player since grade 9, Top 20 Academic performance during the week, promiscuous rebel during the weekend. I was on face value any parents dream. But on weekends at home away from the rules and regulations of school I had boyfriends that where too old, I had sex with anything that paid attention and I mostly drank to forget. I wanted to be cool. Accepted. Mostly I just wanted to avoid my very sad mother and my heavily drinking angry father.

We moved to the Freestate just before my first year of study. Studying engineering meant mostly men in all my classes (the one or two girls sex was questionable). Getting accepted this time was easy, drink like a man. My academic ability also made me a valuable ally before exams after binge drinking most of the semester. So, yes, my behaviour was largely acceptable and encouraged.

During this time my parents divorced and all the hell that came with it. My father is an alcoholic. I don't remember my mother ever warning me about my behaviour. Today I realise she was too busy with her primary alkie to pay too much attention to what I was doing. Plus she trusted me and the upbringing she gave me enough to probably hope it will blow over.

Then in final year I met my husband. A heavy drinker. The first couple of years just blurred by. We got married and did all the happy family things. Celebrating life to death. His father is also a heavy drinker.

Live slurred and blurred by. My daughter was born and shortly after her 1st birthday it started dawning on me that I could not live the way I was living. I prayed to God for a solution and I knew I had to stop drinking.
My mother asking me politely over the phone if I would not consider to quit drink probably also had something to do with it.

Me being sober caused huge problems for my marriage and it would take 3 years to finally reach the point I am at now.

Sober, regardless.

I once asked God why, if I grew up in such a home, did I have to be and alcoholic and to make matters worse marry one that came from one? Is there for me only life and death in alcohol? God made it abundantly clear that He had chosen me.

For what I had no idea. Recently I discovered that I am an Indigo Soul. My main purpose for living is to educate and bring upon change. I realise that to be a good teacher you need to teach from experience. You need to believe in what you teach. You should not be the solution, but lead by example.

These are hard things for me to understand, nevermind accept, but I know today, that in sobriety I find the key to what God intended with my life. To make things better for others, by bettering myself.
My father has decided to stop drinking during my quest for sobriety and thankfully my husband is sober - today.
I have no primary goal to change the world, but if my staying sober impacts on others while helping me finally fit in, then I know I am in the right place.
I wasn't born to stay on the hamster wheel. I was born to open the cage door.

Hi Sanna


Ek sien jy gebruik metafore...die twee karre en olie.

Let me change to English...for the sake of our Fellow Friend - Ricon.

You use metaphors like the cars and oil. You are a smoker and buy your brand at different places/shops/supermarkets etc.

You also say in today's blog that if a project at your work does not work it get stopped - period.

Should you go to the same shop daily and buy your smokes/favourite brand and do not get what you want for 3 consecutive days, what will you do?. Speak nicely to the manager/owner to stock your brand because you are his client and not only buy your smokes there but also the daily needs like bread, newspaper, milk, sweats etc etc. If this man/lady does not adhere to your request after the 3rd time, what do you do - go and buy somewhere else. He/she loses not only you as a client for smokes but the rest as well. You lost faith in the person - make a decision and move on - period.

You might have lost faith in that specific shop owner - but you did not loose faith in the manufactures of your brand... you can still buy at another shop.

Margret Thatcher once said..." If you want something done, give it to a busy women."... Koos once said.." If you are to busy to go to AA meetings, you are to busy."

Have a little faith Sannie, Have a little faith !! Shout it out !!

Easy does - Have you decided and believe it that YOU are worth it.

Blessings - K

So here is what happened yesterday...

I had decided that I had now given up on my situation. On me ever staying sober, my marriage ever working out. I had given up on God and stopped believing in His willingness and ability to change my situation.

Then the answer came. In the form of a friend from Al-Anon (yes, I have to go there as well having been surrounded by drunks my whole life). She advised I stick to my priorities in the correct order:

1. My own sobriety
2. My daughter
2. and only then my marriage

and keep praying to my Higher Power, listen and do what I am told.

On getting home I read from my Daily reflections (AA) and Hope for Today (Al-Anon ) and forgive me for reproducing or publishing AA literature, but I have to post these today.

Hope for Today 13 April

Before I came to Al-Anon , my attitudes were based of fear. I cast all my doubts and feelings of unworthiness onto other people. I set myself up as a victim. I always acted upon my anxiety, form of blaming, running, freezing. When I blamed others, I didn't have to feel my deep sense of shame. I ran because facing my fear and hurt seemed too difficult. I froze because frozen hearts cannot feel pain.
Al-Anon has given me a fresh way to view my life. I no longer choose to be a victim. Now I choose to take responsibility for my actions. I choose how I act, how I think, and how I feel about any situation that arises. I can choose fear, or I can choose love. Fear keeps me shut off and unhealed. Love opens me up and heals me. Today I choose love.
Choosing love means I stay away from physically, emotionally, or spiritually unhealthy situations. I no longer accept unacceptable behaviour. I love myself and care about myself enough to walk away from hurtful people and relationships. I look at my part in situations, own my mistakes, and change my behaviour. Choosing love means I accept and embrace my humanity and that of others. Then, with my Higher Power's help, I can see defects and weaknesses with compassion, which brings me release, joy and serenity.

Daily Reflections 13 April
The false comfort of self-pity

Self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects that we know. It is a bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of it's inordinate demands for attention and sympathy. It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can ill afford. (As Bill sees it, p.23)

The false comfort of self-pity screens me from reality only momentarily and then demands, like a drug, that I take an even bigger dose. If I succumb to this it could lead to a relapse into drinking. What can I do? One certain antidote is to turn my attention, however slightly at first, toward others who are genuinely less fortunate than I, preferably other alcoholics. In the same degree that I actively demonstrate my empathy with them, I will lessen my own exaggerated suffering.

Wow, turns out it had nothing to do with God's willingness or ability. Well I never...

Have a blessed sober day.