What bull shit! No strings attached? Can someone please explain to me how you have any form of relationship with anyone and not have strings attached? Is this what society boils down to? Meaningless, attachment-less, empty acquaintances?

The STBX has been harassing me lately about 'just looking'. I need to somehow commit, but not commit to trying to see how he has changed, but I don't have to do anything. WTF? Seriously? Its like standing next to a rotary blade to see how it works and sticking your hand in it! How can you commit to something and not really commit? Obviously (well to me), if I agree to see how he has changed, that implies that I am interested in what is happening or has happened in his life? Frankly I am not, at all. So please, correct me if I am wrong, but I smell a rat trap...it reeks of manipulation.
It's too late. I know people keep saying 'it's never to late', but I sincerely beg to differ. There are just some situations and relationships that cannot be remedied. I don't want to have any from of relationship with him apart from being civil when attending to matters of our daughter. Why can he not understand that I am done. That I have a right to be done. That regardless of what he and society generally believe to be right or wrong about divorce etc, I don't have to agree or follow the norm. I have sorted my decision with God. And just because I believe different than he does, does not neccesarily make either of us wrong or right.
It took me years to get his foot out the door, fuck I had to get a new door! How stupid does he think I am? With him it's not "strings attached' more like a noose...

My friend and I have been taking things slow. It works. Sort off. But once again, it feels like a rather pointless exercise. Due to all the uncertainty there will be no attaching. It's just too high risk. What is THAT? How do you try a new relationship but you are so paralyzed by fear that you just cause more damage? Is the mature option not rather backing off then? Why am I the only person on this godforsaken planet that still believes in all or nothing? You cannot be HALF my friend and if being a whole friend is high maintenance or demanding, then obviously you do not have the energy to remotely come close to fulfilling a single one of my needs. I have wasted enough time on people not willing to love. (Note all the aggression...not really a good week.)

I have grown so fond of my friends in Alanon. I would walk through fire for them. How do you survive a war and not have strings attach? How do you share so many common joys and pains and not be attached? You can't.

There are strings attached to everyone that crosses your path. We are all somehow entwined even if it just through our need to survive. There is always strings attached, whether we like it or not.

This past Friday (Good Friday) I was asked to share at the 2013 Convention. I could not decide what to really speak about. I don't like my story or telling it. I never feel as if it makes a difference. Has any meaning.
I decided to stick to what Alanon has meant to me. The self-worth I have gained. The fact that I have learned and accepted that it's ok to ask for help sometimes. I did not have to go through anything alone anymore. Someone asked where my daughter was and I said I left her with a friend because "they where too involved in playing". How have I missed this in my life. Laughing, happiness, spontaneity, fun! Having your heart soar and knowing you are worth something to someone.
Our "How Alanon Works" book has a share in the back and it has my favorite part: " there is something so healing about being treated as if you matter".
My life has been grey, dull and mostly on hold for the last decade, waiting for the alcoholic to make a decision. I eventually made my own. My life is too important to waste waiting for someone elses decisions - even if it is someone I dearly love.
What struck me was the response of the people afterwards. Somehow my story gives hope to so many and I can only thank my Higher Power that in some off and weird and sad way there was method in the madness. Maybe if I can only save one person, give hope to one mother, spare one child this life, I have accomplished something. My life and my story get's meaning.

My friend and I had a serious discussion and the fact that I am not formally divorced yet has wedged us apart. With reason I suspect. It made me so angry. For 12 years my life was on hold waiting to feel loved and wanted and the alcoholic made it impossible. And somehow even separated and emotionally being divorced for almost 2 years, he still controls what happens. But after moping for a day I know it's not anger. It's sadness. For the things I cannot change and the lost lives of so many because of this disease. It's so much bigger than a new boyfriend.
I can only pray that I will stay involved with playing and share my message of hope with those in need. To be of service and give what I have so generously received in the Rooms. By sharing my experience, strength and hope I may be happy, joyous and free.

" Sometimes you have to lose your mind to be free" Anonymous