What bull shit! No strings attached? Can someone please explain to me how you have any form of relationship with anyone and not have strings attached? Is this what society boils down to? Meaningless, attachment-less, empty acquaintances?

The STBX has been harassing me lately about 'just looking'. I need to somehow commit, but not commit to trying to see how he has changed, but I don't have to do anything. WTF? Seriously? Its like standing next to a rotary blade to see how it works and sticking your hand in it! How can you commit to something and not really commit? Obviously (well to me), if I agree to see how he has changed, that implies that I am interested in what is happening or has happened in his life? Frankly I am not, at all. So please, correct me if I am wrong, but I smell a rat trap...it reeks of manipulation.
It's too late. I know people keep saying 'it's never to late', but I sincerely beg to differ. There are just some situations and relationships that cannot be remedied. I don't want to have any from of relationship with him apart from being civil when attending to matters of our daughter. Why can he not understand that I am done. That I have a right to be done. That regardless of what he and society generally believe to be right or wrong about divorce etc, I don't have to agree or follow the norm. I have sorted my decision with God. And just because I believe different than he does, does not neccesarily make either of us wrong or right.
It took me years to get his foot out the door, fuck I had to get a new door! How stupid does he think I am? With him it's not "strings attached' more like a noose...

My friend and I have been taking things slow. It works. Sort off. But once again, it feels like a rather pointless exercise. Due to all the uncertainty there will be no attaching. It's just too high risk. What is THAT? How do you try a new relationship but you are so paralyzed by fear that you just cause more damage? Is the mature option not rather backing off then? Why am I the only person on this godforsaken planet that still believes in all or nothing? You cannot be HALF my friend and if being a whole friend is high maintenance or demanding, then obviously you do not have the energy to remotely come close to fulfilling a single one of my needs. I have wasted enough time on people not willing to love. (Note all the aggression...not really a good week.)

I have grown so fond of my friends in Alanon. I would walk through fire for them. How do you survive a war and not have strings attach? How do you share so many common joys and pains and not be attached? You can't.

There are strings attached to everyone that crosses your path. We are all somehow entwined even if it just through our need to survive. There is always strings attached, whether we like it or not.

It's Friday. I should be excited, but really - I'm not. I received an email from my attorney (not the divorce one) regarding a matter about a woman screwing me out of R150 000 three years ago. There is still no progress on the matter even though it has already cost me another R30 000. When is this going to stop? I really need to close the chapter. I know if I stop now all the money I've already paid will be lost, but sometimes we need to know when to cut our losses. It really feels like I have reached that stage.
My emotions are going crazy. Half the time I function like a robot, barely getting through yet another physically and emotionally painful day. The other half I cry. In between there are bouts of excitement for what the future holds, then the fear and the anger and lastly...the hopelessness.
I received another email from an online support group on divorce that encouraged me to "Embrace my Singleness". It's hard. I know that my marriage is over. I know I have to get divorced - not just for me, but also for my husband. He needs to deal with the full consequence of what he had done. I need to be free and learn to live again. But it's really hard staying in the moment, when every cell in your body just needs for it to be over.
I've been struggling with my own sobriety as well. I suppose it's the desperate drive for pain relief that gets me down. Some days I will do anything to not have to feel the day. I consider drinking, and then I consider that drinking is what got me here to begin with. I'm also lonely - something that really scares me. I've always loved my own company, but lately I'm so uncomfortable with myself. It’s a bad feeling.
Anyway, I don't really have a choice. I have to keep moving forward, but today it will be one minute at a time.
"For some people things don't work out as they might have hoped. Hope is a strange thing. A currency for people who know they are losing. The more familiar you are with hope, the less beautiful it becomes." - Frankie, 16 Years of Alcohol.

I told my husband on Monday about the divorce. He had a rather unexpected reaction. He was fine with it. He said he had been expecting it and did not want to cause me any more pain. That he will try to work with me to sort it out as soon as possible. It was a relief, but also very sad that it had come to this. It is now final. Almost over.
So with my foot situation and the immobility that comes with it, I have had a lot of couch time. Crying, pleading, reasoning, thanking and other irrational outbursts towards God and myself. It felt good to finally come to a standstill (forcibly) and start dealing with what's happening. I need to start planning my 'perfect' future. Decide where I want things to go and then start working towards it. I need vision.
Sitting in my silent house I can hear God's voice for the first time in months. My head is quieting down. What's left of my ego, backing off. I cannot describe my feelings, it just hurts mostly. I feel hopeful though. It cannot last forever.
My daughter phoned last night. She's having so much fun on holiday with grandpa and grandma. I'm glad. I just want her to enjoy her childhood. Be happy and carefree before the world chews you up and spits you out. What I wouldn't trade for one day as a 4 year old...bliss. I miss my mother.

“I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.”
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