Day 31:

It's amazing how sobering up and staying sober consumes your life in early days. I wish I was past early days already. Now, for fear of sounding like an ungrateful whiner - I really experience allot of joy right now, but I crave normality and at the same time, now that things are settling into the new routine (and starting to feel normal), I feel stuck! I'm second guessing everything. I find myself worrying about what I would do if maybe my husband decides to drink again? I know I have no control over that and I know worrying is sinful and won't help a thing, but these thoughts and questions keep popping up in my head and driving me crazy.

Maybe I just have trouble accepting that the war is finally over. I am allowed to live now. I am allowed to be free and happy. I cannot really imagine an extended sober life, because I have no idea what that is. So I have to discover it day by day, one day at a time. And I'm impatient. But I'm also thankful. For 31 hangover less days.

I'm starting to miss my daughter - who is visiting her Gran for a week or two. I wonder if she knows how much I love her. I should make sure to tell her and show her when she comes back.

Spending time with my husband is wonderful. But sometimes I feel a little smothered. I feel forced to always be in a good mood - and I'm not, so sometimes I pretend and that's tiring. I'm scared that if I'm not happy chappy every day - he might use it as an excuse to drink. I want to believe he won't, but my past experience tells me a different story. And I don't have a new story to shove the old one off with. I don't have proof yet. I'm too scared to put it to the test - due to the consequence if the experiment should fail. All I know is this level of vibrant life will not last forever. Will we withstand our first storm? I would like to believe we would - having gotten this far, anything else should be pie. I really hope and pray that that is the reality. Sometimes just believing is very hard.

I get home some evenings after really busy days and it's like my words are finished. It's like constructing a sentence is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I long for quiet. I want to learn how to be comfortable doing and saying nothing. I want to learn not to feel guilty when I read my book and expect not to be interrupted. I want to be able to say no - and move on. I want to have some privacy that is respected. I would like to have something that is just mine. I want the clock on this blog to count faster and I want this new life to be familiar. Why does it take so long?

Perhaps, in all honesty, I am an ungrateful whiner today.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sannie