Day 57

Today I am very tired. I went to my meeting last night and a member from Australia shared with us. He spoke about resentment, something most alcoholics are very familiar with. And I thought about my father and my reaction to his drinking. I was immediately concerned about how it would affect me. How he would be the old distant, unreliable father again and how much that hurt. Me, me, me...so very selfish alcoholic behaviour. And listening to the speaker I realised: what about my father? Back out there in the dark? Carrying the guilt all over again having added on more. And I cried. I cried because I am the way I am. I cried because I am sorry, because I cannot change it even though I desperately want to. I cannot go back to who I used to be to make other people comfortable. I cannot drink again, because then I will die. I cried, because there are some things I cannot change.

I realised why I have been wearing myself down with guilt and despair. I want to finish off clean, tie up all the loose ends of my past, but that's not how recovery works. Recovery means doing things different, one day at a time. It means to keep on trying even if sometimes you still fail. It requires you to get up even if you are so tired of the battle you would rather hide. You have to remember your past, lest you forget how you ended up where you are today. I have to remember why I don't drink anymore and like Koos says: Get sober with your heart, not your head.
I will not drink today, but I might do a little more crying. Emotion is a new chapter for me. Anger is the only familiar one and I find it does not solve any of my problems. Imagine that?