Day 70: On justification and experimentation

Okay, so this is kind of a long story which I would need to tell, to give some perspective on what happened this weekend.

Last week my mother told me I have serious depression problems, worse than apparently diagnosed and that I should consider seeing a psychiatrist and taking stronger meds. Koos also told me once that I should consider talking to someone professional. On top of that my mother told me that my sister's new psychiatrist said - and both her and my sister agree - that the 12 step program is a waste of time and only teaches you to blame others for your mistakes.

My take on the 12 step program was that it teaches you to write down you resentments and admit where you where wrong and actually see in front of you, written down, how stupid the things are you blame people for. If you are truly honest you will see that there is really no one to blame except yourself.

Anyway, all this resulted in some really destructive thinking and on Friday I decided - yes decided - to have some wine with my dinner at a restaurant, I mean all this stepping and stuff is apparently not helping and according to my mother I'm depressed and not an alcoholic. So I had 2 glasses of wine.

For the very first time I actually felt what everyone was talking about. That uncontrollable allergic reaction that made me want to finish off a 5l box of cheap rose. And I panicked.

Saturday was spent mostly trying to justify what I did and convince myself that I overreacted.

So on Sunday - having succeeded in convincing myself, I had another 2 glasses of wine. And there it was again. The CRAVING. On top of it I had a fight with my mother and I got so angry, felt so guilty and oh so very familiar.

The one thing that has changed is the subject of alcohol in my house. I could tell my husband that it made me uncomfortable and that maybe I shouldn't drink. No fight, no explanation. Only an encouragement from him to go back to my meetings.

So here's the result of the experiment:

1. I have passed step 1. I am an alcoholic.

2. I am my own worst enemy.

3. Alcohol truly is cunning, baffling and powerful

So my uneducated advice to all reading: Don't try this at home.....I did not really find out anything I did not know. Plus...imagine the added guilt baggage and struggle to decide what to do with my blog clock...

The 12 STEPS of ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS [Spiritual Principles]


Step 1 We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. [Honesty]

Step 2 Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. [Hope]

Step 3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him. [Trust]

Step 4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.[Courage]

Step 5 Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. [Integrity]

Step 6 Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. [Willingness]

Step 7 Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. [Humility]

Step 8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. [Compassion]

Step 9 Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. [Justice]

Step 10 Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. [Perseverance]

Step 11 Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. [Spiritual awareness]

Step 12 Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. [Service]