But the weekend at my parents house was weird. I was very nervous and I tried very hard to act normal and make small talk - because in my family you never discuss heavy issues - even if you can see it weighing down on everyone. My mother and father are back together and my dad is still sober. But he looked miserable. Maybe he is just tired. Maybe he is miserable. Who knows. I'm not allowed to ask.
My mother still thinks everything that went wrong was because of the drinking and nothing else and that she does not need to apologise to anyone - we all just act like nothing happened and carry on until history repeats itself.
It was scary and frustrating. I know that things in my life really changed. I felt unwelcome this weekend. I felt strangely out of place. A large part of the sorrow and resentment I had to let go was because of my home life growing up. Was because of my mother's unforgiving nature and my father's drinking. Watching them sit there pretending, knowing what I am going through to really change my life, made me fear them. They can easily steal my happiness again. All they have to do is stop pretending.
So I made a decision, I have left home. Spiritually, emotionally and physically. I have not left my parents and I will always love them, but I have finally changed my priority list. I cannot stop history form repeating itself, but I can stop myself from repeating my part in it. And I think its high time I started rewriting my story.
I am not responsible for what my mother and father decide to do to each other. I am not responsible for my husband staying sober. I am responsible for me. I cannot change my past, but I can influence my future. And I intend to.
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